The New Father. Armin A. Brott

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СКАЧАТЬ to certain times of the day, some cry all day or all night or get progressively fussier as the day goes on. The duration and intensity of crying spells peaks at about six weeks, and usually disappears entirely within three months.

      

      “See what Daddy has for you if you stop crying?”

      As hard as crying is on your baby, it’s going to take a toll on you and your partner too. Here are some things that may help you cope:

      • Go to the drugstore. Some parents have been able to relieve (partially or completely) their colicky infants with an over-the-counter gas remedy for adults. But before you give any medication to your child, talk to your doctor about whether she thinks taking this medication would help.

      • Tag-team crying duty. There’s no reason why both of you should have to suffer together through what the psychiatrist Martin Greenberg calls “the tyranny of crying.” Spelling each other in twenty-minute or half-hour shifts will do you both a world of good. Getting a little exercise during your “time off” will also calm your nerves before your next shift starts.

      • If you’re bottle-feeding the baby, try changing his formula. Some pediatricians suspect that colic may be linked to a milk intolerance and suggest switching to a non-cow’s-milk formula.

      • Hold the baby facing you. Put his head over your shoulder with your shoulder pressing on his stomach.

      • Hold the baby a little less. I know this completely contradicts my suggestion a few paragraphs ago to hold the baby more, but some doctors believe that babies may cry because their nervous systems aren’t mature enough to handle the stimulation that comes with being held and stroked and talked to. But don’t do this unless your physician advises you to.

      • Put a hot water bottle on your knees. Place the baby face down across it to warm his tummy, and stroke his back.

      • Baby massage (see pages 85–88).

      • Try swaddling. Being enveloped in a blanket may make the baby feel more comfortable.

      • Let the baby “cry it out.” If you’ve tried everything you can think of and the crying has gone on for more than twenty minutes, put the baby in his crib and give yourself a break. If the baby doesn’t stop screaming after five minutes, pick him up and try to soothe him again some other way for ten more minutes. Repeat as necessary. Note: The “crying it out” approach should be used only after you’ve tried everything else. Generally speaking, you should respond promptly and lovingly to your baby’s cries. Several studies show that babies who are responded to in this way develop into more confident youngsters.

      • Get some help. Dealing with a crying child for even a few minutes can provoke incredible rage and frustration. And if the screams go on for hours, it can become truly difficult to maintain your sanity, let alone control your temper. If you find yourself concerned that you might lash out (other than verbally) at your child, call someone: your partner, pediatrician, parents, babysitter, friends, neighbors, clergy person, or even a parental-stress hotline. If your baby is a real crier, keep these numbers handy and see the section on anger (pages 270–73).

      • Don’t take it personally. Your baby isn’t deliberately trying to antagonize you. It’s all too easy to let your frustration at this temporary situation wear away at your confidence in your abilities as a parent, and it could even permanently interfere with your relationship with your child.

      Helping Older Kids Adjust to Their New Sibling

      Handling your older children’s reactions to their new baby brother or sister requires an extra touch of gentleness and sensitivity. Kids often start out wildly excited at their new status as big brother or big sister, but most will have some adjustment problems later on—as soon as they realize that the new kid is going to be sticking around for a while.

      Some react with anger and jealousy. They may cry, have tantrums, and even try to hit the baby. They need to know immediately and in no uncertain terms that you understand how they feel and that it’s okay to be mad and talk about how mad they are. It’s even okay to draw hateful pictures or beat up a doll. But it’s absolutely not okay to do anything to hurt the baby.

      Others may react by regressing. My oldest daughter, for example, was completely potty trained before her sister was born, but began wetting her bed again a few weeks after we brought the baby home. Some kids start talking baby talk again, suck their thumbs, need more bedtime stories and cuddling, or make demands for attention that you may not be able to satisfy.

      Here are some ways you can help your older children cope with the big changes in their world:

      • Get them involved from the very start. My oldest daughter stayed at my parents’ house while my wife was in labor with our second daughter. But as soon as the new baby was born, we called and gave her the chance to break the news to everyone else that she was a big sister. We also had her come to the hospital right away (even though it was past her bedtime), where she got to hold her new sister “by herself.”

      If your older child comes to the hospital, keep the visit short. It won’t take long for the initial excitement to wear off. And be sure to let him spend some time visiting with Mom too. He may have been worried about her, and seeing her in a hospital bed, possibly with IV tubes hanging out of her arms, can be a scary sight.

      • Don’t push too hard. Letting the older sibling help diaper, bathe, feed, push the stroller, and clothe the new baby is a great idea if it helps bring him into the process by making him feel that the baby is “his.” But don’t force the older child to get too involved. It can make him feel as though you want him around only to wait on the more important new baby, which can make him resent the little interloper even more.

      • Prepare them for reality. The first lesson is that infants aren’t a whole lot of fun to have around for a little while. All they do is poop and cry and eat. They can’t even play any games. It might be helpful to show your big kids their own baby pictures and talk to them about how they were when they were young and how you cared for them. Also, before going out as a family, warn your older child that everyone’s going to be oohing and aahing over the baby, and he may feel a little left out.

      • Model good behavior. Show your older kids the right ways to hold and behave with a new baby. Practicing with a doll is a great, risk-free way to get the hang of it—particularly the all-important head-supporting part. If you’re bottle-feeding, show the older kids the right way to hold a bottle and how to recognize when the baby’s had enough. Never, ever leave the baby unattended with an older sibling (unless you’ve got a teenager), and make sure the older child is always sitting down when holding the baby.

      • Be patient. If your older child is angry or jealous, encourage him to talk about his feelings. If he’s having trouble articulating them, you might offer a few suggestions (“Are you mad that that the baby is getting more attention than you are?”) or have him draw pictures of how he feels. If your child is regressing, resist the urge to demand that he “grow up.” Kids who adopt baby behavior are usually doing so because they figure that being helpless is a good way to get people to pay attention. So instead of snapping, point out some of the big-kid things they get to do that babies don’t, such as using a fork and knife, riding a trike, putting on their own shoes, washing their own faces, going down a slide by themselves …

      • Spend some extra time with them. СКАЧАТЬ