The New Father. Armin A. Brott

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      My Baby Doesn’t Love Me

      For about the first six to eight weeks of life, your baby probably won’t give you much feedback about how you’re doing as a father: you’ll tell your best jokes, make your funniest faces, but he won’t smile, laugh, or react to you in any noticeable way. In fact, just about all he will do is cry. This can easily make you feel unloved and, surprisingly often, a need to “get even” with the baby by deliberately withholding your own love from him.

      As the grown-up, it’s your job to nip this destructive cycle in the bud before it gets out of hand. So if you find yourself feeling unloved or unappreciated by your newborn, here are a few things you can do:

      • Change your perspective. Although your baby can express preferences for sounds, tastes, or patterns, he’s not yet capable of expressing love. However, the fact that he often stops crying when you pick him up and that he easily falls asleep on your chest are signs that he feels close to you and trusts you—critical steps on the way to the love you want him to feel. Allow yourself the pleasure of stroking his incredibly soft skin, of admiring his tiny fingers, and of filling your lungs with his clean, new-baby smell. If that doesn’t hook you, nothing will.

      • Pay attention. Your baby’s needs and wants are fairly limited at this stage—feed me, change me, hold me, put me to bed—and he has a different way of letting you know which one he wants. If you pay close attention, you’ll soon be able to figure out what he’s “telling” you. Getting to know your baby in this way will make you feel less anxious and more confident as a parent, which will make the baby more comfortable with you, which in turn will make your mutual attachment more secure.

      • Read. Another important way to get to know your baby is to carefully read the “What’s Going On with the Baby” sections of this book. Knowing what your baby is capable of—and what he isn’t—at various stages can go a long way toward helping you understand his behavior and establish reasonable expectations.

      • Get closer. There’s a lot of evidence that parent-child bonding comes as a result of physical closeness. So if you’d like to speed up the process, carry the baby every chance you get, bring him with you whenever you can, and take care of as many of his basic needs as possible.

      Bonding and Attachment for Non-Biologically Related Dads

      Plenty of adoptive parents—particularly those who adopted because of infertility—feel a little insecure or inadequate. They often believe that the process of bonding and forming an attachment with a baby comes more naturally to birth parents than to them, and that since they weren’t with the baby from the beginning, they’ll never be as close to their child as a biological parent would. That’s just plain wrong.

      Similarly, many men who became fathers through donor sperm (sometimes called donor insemination, or DI, dads) feel inadequate or less than completely masculine, and worry that the lack of a biological connection will make it impossible for them to bond with their baby or that the baby will never see them as the “real” father. They may also feel some resentment of their partner because she has that coveted biological connection.

      Studies of adoptive parents have shown that a majority feel some kind of love for their children right from the very first contact; it doesn’t matter whether it’s when they went to pick up the baby, when they first looked at a picture that had arrived months before, or right at the birth, if they’re lucky enough to be there. At the same time, “most infants, if adopted before the age of nine months will take to their new parents as if they were born to them, developing an attachment to them as they would have done to their birth parents,” according to adoption psychotherapists Judith Schaffer and Christina Lindstrom.

      The prognosis is even better for DI dads. To start with, you and your partner aren’t biologically related (hopefully), and that hasn’t kept you from loving each other. And anyway, think about how involved you were during the pregnancy. You’re the guy who went to the OB visits, who saw the baby squirming around in the ultrasound, who helped your partner keep her hair out of the toilet when she was vomiting, who ran out for ice cream and pickles at 2:30 in the morning, who picked out names, was there for the labor and delivery, and cut the cord. In my book, anyone who goes through all of that is a real father—biologically related or not.

      There are things, of course, that can interfere with attachment in these situations, the most common being the feelings of inadequacy discussed above, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. With adoption, there’s also the age and physical health of the child. If you’re adopting a complete newborn, it’s going to be a little easier to establish a bond. But a lot of adoptions aren’t finalized until the babies are a few months older. Realistically, this makes the bonding process a little tougher for all concerned, as babies and parents take a little time to get used to each other. It’s by no means an impossible task.

      And remember, in all but the rarest cases, the desire for attachment to a child can overcome even the most formidable obstacles. (If you aren’t consumed with paternal feelings right away, start by taking a look at the “But What If I Don’t Bond Right Away?” section on pages 52–53.) So if you’re an adoptive or DI dad and you’re worried for any reason about your abilities as a parent, there is support out there. You’ll find a lot of great resources in the Resources appendix.

      The Incredible Shrinking Baby

      In their first week or so of life, most babies lose some weight—often as much as 10 percent of their birth weight. This can be pretty scary. After all, babies are generally supposed to get bigger over time, not smaller. This disappearing act is perfectly normal (in the first few days the baby isn’t eating much), and your baby will probably regain his birth weight by the time he’s two weeks old. After that, the rate of growth—for the next few months, at least—is phenomenal: about an ounce a day and an inch per month. Doesn’t sound like much, but if he continued at this rate, by his eighteenth birthday he’d be nearly twenty feet tall and weigh in at about 420 pounds.

      During every visit to the pediatrician your baby will be weighed, his overall length and head circumference will be measured, and the results will be given not only in inches (or centimeters) but in percentile. (If your baby is in the 75th percentile for weight, he’s heavier than 75 percent of babies the same age.) Newer growth charts also include your child’s BMI (body mass index), which is a ratio of weight to height and has been very successful in predicting obesity.

      Try not to get too caught up in these numbers. As with most things, bigger isn’t necessarily better, plus it’s normal for different parts of a baby’s body to grow at different rates. My two older daughters, for example, were built like nails—90th percentile for both height and head size, but 40th percentile for weight. The youngest was more of a pyramid: 50th percentile head, 90th in length and weight.

      Keep in mind that these height and weight charts, which are created by the National Center for Health Statistics (and included as an appendix in this book), are guidelines, and can’t possibly account for every situation. For the first few months, for example, breastfed babies tend to bulk up a little more quickly than their formula-fed agemates. But after that, formula-fed babies tend to be a bit heavier. Unless your child is in an extreme part of the range (5th percentile and lower or 95th percentile and higher), what’s important is that he grow steadily over time, not that he’s achieved some kind of milestone.

      YOU AND YOUR BABY

      The most important thing you can do for your baby is to make him feel loved and cared for. And the best way to do this is to continue to do the activities listed on page 28–29, only more so.

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