5 Habits to Lead from Your Heart. Johnny Covey

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СКАЧАТЬ wants to feel good about her mothering efforts, there isn’t a checklist long enough for her to feel good. There will always be a way to mess up actions. What you do does not permanently change how you feel. Here is the correct order of the think, feel and do continuum: what you do is a result of how you feel. What you think is what actually changes how you feel. The feelings you have are a result of the thoughts you choose.

      Maybe you have had these experiences like I have. Whether the game of comparison is something you struggle with or whether you have unhealthy feelings towards yourself, these experiences are trying to get us to change. As you look at this list, notice the experiences you have unhealthy feeling towards:

       My body looking the way I want

       My house looking the way I want

       My significant other being the way I want

       My friends being the way I want

       My kids being the way I want

       My income being the way I want

       My job or business looking the way I want

       My bills being the way I want

      The experiences where you have unhealthy feelings that paralyze you when you can’t move through them, like embarrassment, frustration, anxiety and disgust create a troubling problem. The problem is that you don’t think you know what to do. However, rarely do we not know what to do, even if it is just the next step.

       Eat more greens

       Pick up the living room

       Schedule time to talk

       Spend more time with a specific friend

       Spend more time teaching and less disciplining

       Find how I can add more value

       Talk to an employee who needs support

       Call up and cancel a service I don’t use

      Even if you were to take the next ten steps on each of these, the result may be that you still feel the same. You still feel you have to do more to feel better.

      The root of the problem comes from believing if I do____________ then I will be______________.

      The reality is that we must experience something different. The game of avoiding painful experiences does not last. The reality is that no matter how successful you are and how much you do, you will still have many experiences that will be very painful.

       Death of loved ones

       Sickness

       Trust being betrayed

       Being judged by others

       Being misunderstood

       Lied to by those you love

      An example of this was a particular time when my wife and I had a disagreement. It was a real doozy. I ran my usual play of being hurt and offended. I truly believed and told myself she is the problem. I took it so far in my mind that I really believed that, for my life to be better, she needs to change. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. Anyone who knows my wife would know how incredible she is. What hurt me was that she was letting me know about something that I could improve upon. Instead of listening to her and trusting her, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to help her see what she needed to do to change. It was very obvious to me what she should do and I could not figure out why she would not just do it. I created a lot of pain for her, with unrealistic expectations and instructing her on how she could change.

      Maybe you have been like me and wanted someone else to change in order to solve your problem. The real problem in my situation was that I was not being respectful. I was trying to protect myself by making her wrong. I was not trying to be disrespectful; the problem came from playing a game that did not work.

       Shocking Experiment

      We often don’t see options that are right in front of us, especially if our previous experiences show us that they are impossible. Consider the implications of this “shocking experiment.”

      In the 1960s, before animals had any protection, rights or representation, researchers would electric shock dogs when conducting experiments. One group of dogs could stop the shocks by pressing a lever. Another group of dogs could press the lever but it would not stop the shocks. So then when they put those dogs in a box where they could escape shock by jumping over a short divide, the dogs that had previously been shocked without relief simply laid down, as if to accept their fate. The dogs that had pressed the lever to stop the first shock jumped over the divide to escape the shocking situation. The dogs that laid down could not be threatened, bribed or shown how to jump over the simple obstacle. They had to physically experience being walked through it. The scientists lifted the legs of the dogs and mimicked the action of step-by-step going over the divider. After two experiences, the dogs could do it on their own. (Seligman and Meir, 1967).

      Seligman, M.E.P.; Maier, S.F. (1967). “Failure to escape traumatic shock”. Journal of Experimental Psychology 74: 1–9.

      The reason we do not change is that we have had experiences over and over that bring us to the belief that those dogs had. We cannot change our experience, so we lay down and accept it. There are usually a few things we are willing to change, but they are external rather than internal. The reason for this is because we are using the part of our brain that is designed to protect us. I refer to this as being in our head. In our head, our conscience sends our feelings as messengers, telling us to change. We don’t understand the message and try and protect ourselves. If we understand that feelings are actually indicators that we need to change, we can choose to use the part of our brain designed to progress. I refer to this as being in our heart. In our heart, our conscience uses our feelings as messengers, telling us to have courage and progress forward. Like the dogs, we can jump up and get out of that box. If we are in our head, we protect ourselves and let the past dictate our future rather than progress by leading from our heart. We keep playing the same game looking for different results, even though the solution can be as simple as jumping over a divide. I want to show you how to jump over the divide in your life. The problem is I can tell you all about it (remember the scientists threatening, bribing and modeling for the dogs), but it will not change anything until you experience doing it for yourself.

      Rather than closing our heart so we do not get hurt, we need to have courage and choose to change how we experience the same experience from our heart. This new way of playing the game is not easy to learn or master, but it is a lot more fulfilling because we progress rather than repeat the same experiences over and over and over.

      You can probably think of experiences you have where no matter what you do, you cannot seem to change. They may even be experiences that others are enacting on you. I am telling you there is another way.

      You might have had an experience where you walked away feeling:

Ignored	Unappreciated
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