THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace

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СКАЧАТЬ you’re askin’ for — comrade,’ sez Spud, still tryin’ to be polite, ‘is a thick ear.’”

      Smithy went on to a faithful recital of what Private Clark had said in response to this threat of personal violence.

      For reasons purely private I suppress the lurid details.

      “So at last Nobby paid for his own pint,” Smithy resumed, “and sat in a comer by hisself, countin’ twenty. For about a week after the barracks was like a Sunday school.

      “The orderly sergeant comin’ round to warn chaps for duty was like a parson givin’ out notices just before the collection.

      “‘Is Private Jordan here?’ sez the sergeant.

      “‘Yes, Sergeant,’ sez Jerry Jordan.

      “‘I regret that I must warn you for picket duty tomorrow evenin’.’

      “‘Thank you kindly, Sergeant,’ sez Jerry, who’d made arrangements to take his girl out that night.

      “‘Is Private Purser here?’

      “‘Yes, Sergeant, at your service,’ sez Long Purser.

      “‘It’s my painful duty to inform you that you must appear at company office tomorrow morning to answer the charge of not complying with an order.’

      “‘Don’t mention it, Sergeant,’ said Purser.

      “One night Nobby comes to me an’ sez, ‘Look ‘ere, Smithy, I’m about fed up with this countin’ business.’

      “‘Are you, comrade?’ I sez.

      “‘Not so much of the “comrade,”’ sez Nobby nastily; ‘I’m gettin’ tired of hearin’ Spud Murphy call me “ole friend” an’ “chummy” an’ “comrade,” an’ the very next time he comes snackin’ me, I’ll put him through the mill.’

      “‘Will you, dear friend?’ sez I.

      “‘Yes, I will, fat ‘ead,’ sez Nobby.

      “Next day, me an’ Nobby bein’ orderly men, we went down to the cookhouse about four o’clock to draw the tea.

      “Spud’s our cook; so Nobby sez to ‘im: —

      “‘Ullo, greasy, wot’s the price of drippin’?’ Spud’s got a second-class certificate, so rather fancies hisself.

      “‘Be a little more polite, Private Clark,’ ‘e sez in a loud voice so’s the sergeant-cook could hear.

      “So Nobby sez something to him.

      “‘Did you ‘ear that!’ sez Spud in an ‘orrified voice.

      “So Nobby sez something else to ‘im.

      “‘Don’t use that language in this clean cook’ouse.’ sez Spud loudly, but the sergeant didn’t take no notice. ‘I’m surprised at you, Private Clark, losin’ your temper like that.’

      “So Nobby sez something else to ‘im.

      “‘Say that again,’ sez Spud, takin’ off his coat.

      “‘Count twenty,’ sez Nobby, with a sneer, ‘like I do.’

      “‘Say that again,’ sez Spud, so Nobby did.”

      Smithy paused to ruminate on that joyous memory.

      “We got ’em apart at last, an’ the sergeant-cook fell-in four of us to put ’em both in the guardroom.

      “Next morning they was both up at company office. an’ Uncle Bill sez, ‘Did you count twenty, Clark?’

      “‘Yes, sir,’ sez Nobby, ‘five at a time,’ ‘e sez.

      “‘I ought to send you before the Colonel,’ sez Uncle Bill, but I won’t; you’ll be both let orf with a caution.’”

      “That was very sporting on the part of Umfreville,” I remarked in some surprise.

      “Yes,” said Smithy, with a ghost of a smile. “Uncle Bill doesn’t like takin’ men before the Colonel.”

      “Why?” I asked.

      “Him an’ the Colonel ain’t on speaking terms,” explained Smithy naïvely.

5. The Umpire

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      Smithy sprawled lazily on the grassy cliff. A gentle breeze blew in from the south, and the glassy, sunlit sea was dotted with laden transport boats.

      Grazing within a radius afforded by the loose rein that Smithy held was the major’s horse. In the soiled mustard-coloured garb that the soldier affects on manoeuvres, Smithy had followed both Red and Blue forces, for Major Somebody-or-other, whose serf he was, had been umpiring.

      “If,” said Smithy reflectively, “if we’d fought with umpires in South Africa, who do you think would have won?

      “I can tell you,” he went on, without waiting for an answer. “Take Ladysmith. Why, if that job had been part of manoeuvres, you’d have seen twenty little umpires come streaking up in their Panniers and Napiers and Baby Peugeots, blinding the Boers with dust, and they’d have had a conference on Wagon Hill and then they’d ‘ve sent for George White.

      “‘Good mornin’, Sir George,’ they’d say. ‘Fine weather we’re havin’. ‘Ow are the birds in this part of the world? My fifty-horse-power Damyer put up a dozen brace between here and Colenso,’ they’d say. Then Sir George would talk about the shootin’.

      “‘Oh, by the way,’ sez the umpire, ‘wot about Ladysmith?’

      “‘Wot about it?’ sez Sir George.

      “‘Well,’ sez one of the umpires, polishin’ his motor-goggles, ‘I think you’re out of action, don’t you?’

      “Sir George gets huffy.

      “‘Nothin’ of the sort,’ he sez; ‘I can hold Ladysmith for months and months,’ he sez.

      “Then all the umpires larf, except one with spectacles.

      “‘Pardon me,’ sez this one, ‘you don’t seem to understand that the strategic defensive calls for the preponderance of the tactical defensive—’

      “‘You dry up,’ sez Sir George quick; ‘I’m goin’ to hold Ladysmith as long as we’ve got boots to eat.’

      “But he’d have had to give way before the umpires, and Ladysmith would have gone in.

      “Then,” СКАЧАТЬ