THE SMITHY & NOBBY COLLECTION: 6 Novels & 90+ Stories in One Edition. Edgar Wallace

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СКАЧАТЬ whilst three others was diggin’ a big hole in the ground. ‘Bridge-buildin’ and Trenchin’,’ said the picture.

      “Didn’t you buy one of them books they was advertising so much last year?” Smithy asked abruptly.

      I confessed.

      “Did they send you a book showing you the advantages of buying a — what-do-you-call-it Britannia?”

      I owned up to three pamphlets, eight letters, and a telegram.

      “Ah !” said Smithy craftily, “and did they send you a picture showing you how you might get the brokers in if you didn’t pay your instalment? No, of course they didn’t. Well, this ‘ere bill had six pictures. A pore slave of a lancer cleanin’ his saddlery — advantages of the cavalry; a Tommy got up in marchin’ order, with fifty pounds of equipment on his back — advantages of the Line ; and so on. What made ’em stop short of havin’ one showin’ Tommy being frog-marched to the clink,” added Smithy, with gentle irony, “an’ labellin’ it. ‘Advantages of the Canteen,’ I can’t imagine.”

      “What would attract a desirable class of recruits to the Army?” I made bold to ask.

      “You’ll laugh when I tell you,” said Smithy very seriously. “A neat uniform for walkin’ out; neat regulation boots instead of beetle crushers; a cap that ain’t a pastrycook’s cap.

      “Make your bloomin’ soldier advertise the Army make him look so as every counter-jumpin’, quill-pushin’ board-school boy who thinks ‘es a cut above Tommy will be proud to change clothes with him. Dress him as ugly as you like for fightin’; but when he’s at home, where he’ll meet his pals and, likely as not, the girl he left his happy home for, give him a uniform that a civilian might envy.” Smithy grew warm.

      “If you want to show the advantages of the Army in pictures, give a picture of a soldier as he fancies himself best. Show his institutes; show him playin’ billiards; show him in India lyin’ on ‘is charpoy with a bloomin’ nigger servant taking orf his boots and another one pullin’ a punkah. Show him in China ridin’ like a lord in a ricksha; show him in his white helmet smokin’ a cigar — ten for four annas — or in Gibraltar seein’ a bull-fight; but don’t show him in his shirtsleeves carryin’ coal!”

      *

      I was saying goodbye to Smithy when Nobby Clark of “ B “ Company met us.

      Rude criticism of Smithy’s civilian clothes was followed by a proposal that Smithy should accompany Nobby for a stroll round the town.

      Smithy drew himself up.

      “I hope, Private Clark,” he said haughtily, “ that I respect myself too highly to be seen walking about the streets with a common soldier!”

4. Army Manners

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      Officers commanding regiments are instructed to note among their subordinates such defects as shortness of temper or weakness of character likely to harm them in their career. — vide Army Order.

      I Stepped back quickly on to the kerb; the cab wheel that brushed against the sleeve of my coat spattered me with black mud.

      The cabman threw over his shoulder the rudest expression he could summon at the moment, and I, who am a terrific linguist where the bad language of foreign countries is concerned, fired off three choice morsels of Tamil, which, had they been translated, would have brought that cabman back thirsting for my blood.

      Smithy, from a place of safety on the pavement, chuckled.

      “Don’t lose your temper,” advised my military friend — on furlough, by the way, and spending the Christmas holidays with a married sister off Portobello Road. “Puttin’ down bad temper’s a new Army reform.” We had crossed the road in safety and were walking up Queen Victoria Street.

      “Wot we want in the Army nowadays is politeness; bad language we can’t abide; if we can’t be good soldiers, let’s be little gentlemen. The Anchester Regiment is the politest regiment goin’ ; they call us the ‘After you’s’; our motto is, ‘Quo fus et gloria ducunt,’ which means, ‘It’s far better to be decent than glorious’; in fact—”

      “In fact you’re talking a lot of rot,” I said irritably. Smithy smiled in a superior way.

      “The other day,” he went on, without taking further notice of my interruption, “we ‘ad a lecture; Uncle Bill it was, the chap that ‘ad the motorcar. ‘Company will parade at 11 a.m. in “B” Company’s barrackroom for a lecture on military manners, by Captain Umfreville.’

      “We all like lectures,” explained Smithy; “you can sit down to ‘em, an’ there’s generally a fire in the room. Well, Uncle Bill starts off with a long yarn about a new Army Order, sayin’ that chaps must not lose their tempers with other chaps; they ought to be polite an’ kind an’ courteous, an’ he finishes up by sayin’ he hoped he’d see an improvement in the company, that before we let our angry passions rise we ought to count twenty.

      “After lecture we all goes over to the canteen; me an’ Nobby Clark an’ Spud Murphy an’ Ugly Johnson.

      All the chaps was talkin’ about Uncle Bill’s lecture, an’ a chap of the ‘G’ Company says they’s bin havin’ a lecture too, about losin’ your temper, in fact, the whole bloomin’ regiment was lectured on it.

      “We take it in turns to buy beer,” explained Smithy; “this day it happened to be Spud’s turn, but he seemed to forget it.

      “‘Pardon me, Spud,’ sez Nobby, as polite as you please, ‘talkin’ about beer—’

      “‘I wasn’t talkin’ about beer, dear friend,’ sez Spud, liftin’ his cap.

      “‘Well,’ sez Nobby, tryin’ to smile in a friendly manner, ‘suppose you talk about it — comrade?’

      “Nobby nearly choked sayin ‘Comrade,’ owin’ to his hatin’ Spud Murphy worse than poison.

      “So Spud shuts his eyes an’ makes a noise like a chap thinkin’. ‘Um — m — ah — oh, yus,’ et cet’ra, whilst me an’ the other chaps stood gaspin’ for a drink.

      “‘When you’ve done makin’ faces,’ sez Nobby, gettin’ red in the face, ‘p’raps, gallant comrade, you’ll buy some beer.’

      “‘It ain’t my turn, dear Nobby,’ sez Spud, as bold as brass.

      “Nobby sort of went blue.

      “‘Not your turn!’ ‘e sez in an ‘usky voice, ‘not your turn — gallant soldier; not your bloomin’ turn — brother?’

      “‘No,’ sez Spud shortly; ‘I bought it yesterday — comrade.’

      “Nobby looks round at all the chaps who was watchin’ ‘im be polite to Spud, an’ sez: —

      “‘Bought it yesterday СКАЧАТЬ