The Cynic's Word Book. Амброз Бирс

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      BAAL, n. A deity formerly much worshipped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever name worshipped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshipped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttle and Swig.

      BABB, or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

       Ere babes were invented

       The girls were contented.

       Now man is tormented

       Until to buy babes he has squandered

       His money. And so I have pondered

       This thing, and thought may be

       'T were better that Baby

       The First had been eagled or condored.

       Ro Amil.

      BACCHUS, w. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

       Is public worship, then, a sin,

       That for devotions paid to Bacchus

       The lictors dare to run us in,

       And resolutely thump and whack us?

       Horace.

      BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

      BACKBITE, v. t. To "speak of a man as you find him" when he can't find you.

      BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

      BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways— by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

       But whether the plan of immersion

       Is better than simple aspersion

       Let those immersed

       And those aspersed

       Decide by the Authorized Version,

       And by matching their agues tertian.

       G. F.

      BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

      BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

      BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying eggs.

      BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.

      BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

       The man who taketh a steam bath

       He loseth all the skin he hath,

       And, for he 's boiled a brilliant red,

       Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,

       Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling

       With dirty vapors of the boiling.

       Richard Gwow.

      BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

      BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.

      BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

      BEFRIEND, v. t. To make an ingrate.

      BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

       Who is that, father?

       A mendicant, child,

       Haggard, morose, and unaffable—wild!

       See how he glares through the bars of his cell!

       With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.

       Why did they put him there, father?

       Because

       Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.

       His belly?

       Oh, well, he was starving, my boy—

       A state in which, doubtless, there 's little of joy.

       No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry

       Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"

       What 's the matter with pie?

       With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;

       To beg was unlawful—improper as well.

       Why did n't he work?

       He would even have done that,

       But men said: "Get out!" and the State re marked: "Scat!"

       I mention these incidents merely to СКАЧАТЬ