Awful Auntie. David Walliams

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      “Are you sure?” The woman brought her face right up close to her niece’s. So close that Stella had to try not to breathe, such were the fumes of sherry and pipe tobacco on her aunt’s breath.

      “Yes,” replied the girl. Stella tried her best not to blink, in case that gave her away. However, she was so unused to lying that her mouth went as dry as hot sand, and she just had to swallow.

       GULP.

      “If I find out that you’re lying, young lady, there will be trouble. Mark my words there will be trouble. T,R,U,B,L,E. Trouble.” Yes, spelling was certainly not Aunt Alberta’s strong point.

      “Now if you need anything, my dear, anything at all, just ring this bell.”

      Out of the patch pocket of her tweed jacket, Alberta produced a tiny gold bell. It was in the shape of a miniature statuette of an owl. The woman teased the top, and the quietest DING-A-LING sounded.

      “Either myself or Wagner will come as soon as we possibly can.”

      “I’m not eating any more mushed-up creepy-crawlies from that horrible bird!” shouted Stella.

      The noise startled Wagner, who flapped his wings as he jumped up and down on his mistress’s hand, squawking. The huge creature’s wings were so long that as he flapped and squawked a picture hanging on the wall was sent flying. It fell to the floor, the glass smashing. It was a wedding photograph of Stella’s mother and father. It was her absolute favourite photograph of them. They were stood outside the local church, the same one they were now buried at. In the picture they looked so young and in love, her mother achingly beautiful in her flowing white wedding dress, her father boyishly handsome in his shiny black silk top hat and morning suit.

      Aunt Alberta leaned down to pick up the photograph. “Tut-tut-tut…” she said in a pantomime of caring. “Look what you’ve done now, you selfish child! Startling poor little Wagner like that.” The woman pulled the photograph out of the frame, and with one hand screwed it up into a ball. “I’ll put this on the bonfire for you!”

      “No!” screamed Stella. “Please don’t!”

      “It’s no trouble,” replied her aunt. “Now as I said before your outburst, if there’s anything you need, anything at all, just ring the belly-welly.”

      “But how can I ring it? I can’t move either of my arms!” Stella protested.

      The woman leaned over the girl’s bed.

      “Open wide!” she ordered, as if she was a demonic dentist. Unthinking the girl did as she was told, and Aunt Alberta placed the bell into her niece’s mouth.

      The woman chuckled at the strange sight, and her owl squawked brightly, as if he was laughing too. The gruesome twosome giggled their way over to Stella’s bedroom door, and slammed it behind them.

      BANG!

      Stella heard the key in the lock turn.

      CLICK.

      There was no escape.

VII

       The Human Caterpillar

      But Stella had to try to flee. Even though this great country house was her home, she didn’t want to be alone here with this creepy lady a moment longer. The girl had always found Aunt Alberta spooky when growing up. The woman would sometimes tell her niece traditional bedtime stories, but with a twist. The twist was that in Alberta’s versions evil would always triumph.

       Hansel and Gretel

      It’s not the witch that is shoved in the oven at the end, but the two children. The witch lives happily ever after in her house made of sweets.

       Three Little Pigs

      The big bad wolf huffs and puffs and blows all three little piggies’ houses down. He then has roast pork for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for a week.

       Goldilocks and the Three Bears

      When Goldilocks gobbles up their porridge, the bears get their revenge by gobbling up her.

       Snow White

      When Snow White finds the seven dwarfs’ cottage they lock her up and make her do all their cooking and cleaning. Snow White then spends the rest of her life hand-washing seven pairs of dirty dwarf underpants every day.

       Sleeping Beauty

      She never wakes up. Just blows off violently in her sleep. Alberta particularly enjoyed adding the sound effects on this one, even providing some with a trumpet.

       Jack and the Beanstalk

      Jack loses his grip on the beanstalk while climbing up it and falls down to earth, landing on top of his mother with a giant SPLAT!

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