Awful Auntie. David Walliams
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Название: Awful Auntie
Автор: David Walliams
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Книги для детей: прочее
isbn: 9780007453634
isbn:
Alberta and Wagner. Wagner and Alberta. It was a very close relationship.
The pair travelled everywhere together on Alberta’s motorcycle, with Wagner in the sidecar. Both had matching leather flying helmets and goggles.
What was more unusual still was that Alberta and Wagner also shared a bed. When Stella would bring her aunt her nightly glass of sherry, Alberta and Wagner would be tucked up together in matching striped pyjamas reading the day’s newspapers. It was a bizarre sight. Another time Stella heard the two of them splashing around in the bath together. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t right, and it definitely couldn’t be hygienic. Especially not for the owl.
However, this closeness between man and beast was not without purpose. For all this time, Aunt Alberta was training her owl to obey her every command. Even to do unspeakable evil.
Now we have learned all about Alberta and her Great Bavarian Mountain Owl, we can return to our story.
Up in Stella’s bedroom, at the top of Saxby Hall, the little girl was laid out on her bed. A deep shadow loomed over her. The shadow of her Aunt Alberta, with her pet owl Wagner perched on her hand.
Stella’s voice cracked as she asked her aunt, “I don’t understand. How can I have been asleep for months?”
Alberta thought for a moment, and took a live mouse out of her pocket by its tail before dropping it into Wagner’s mouth. The bird wolfed the unfortunate creature whole.
“Ever since the accident…” replied the woman.
“Accident?! What accident?” Stella pleaded.
Aunt Alberta approached the girl’s bed, and rested a hand on the blanket.
“The accident that did this to you…”
With a theatrical flourish the woman whipped the blanket off the bed. Stella looked down in horror to see that her entire body was bandaged up. It was as if she was an ancient Egyptian pharaoh, mummified in a pyramid.
“Every bone in your body has been broken.”
“Nooooo…!” cried the girl.
“Yeeeesssss…!” replied Alberta, mocking her niece’s tone. “Each little bone was shattered into hundreds of pieces. You had to be scooped up like a piece of wibbly-wobbly jelly!”
“How on…? W-w-what happened? And where are Mama and Papa?” pleaded Stella. The little girl had so many questions her words were tumbling out in desperation.
Aunt Alberta merely smirked. She sucked on her pipe and blew some smoke into her niece’s face. “Oh! So many questions! All in good time, child.”
“But I need to know!” demanded Stella. “Now!”
Alberta tutted. “Perhaps you would like a game of tiddlywinks first!”
The girl couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “What are you talking about?”
The woman pulled a box off the girl’s shelf and put it down on the bed.
“This isn’t the time!” said Stella.
“There’s always time for tiddlywinks!” replied Alberta, as she busied herself arranging all the pieces of the game. “My go first!” she said excitedly, as she pushed down on her squidger to flip one of her winks into flight. It landed with a ping in the pot.
PING!
“A million and seven points to me. Your go!” Stella stared at her aunt, her eyes bulging with fury.
“Oh no, silly me, I’ve forgotten. Both your arms are broken! Looks like I’ve won again.”
“I never wanted to play.”
“No one likes a bad loser, Stella.”
“I need to know what has happened to my parents!” shouted the girl.
Alberta shook her head at her niece’s behaviour. “Now if you can be quiet for just a moment, your aunty-waunty will tell you exactly what happened!” She often spoke in this baby talk. It made Stella’s skin crawl. “You have no memory at all of the accident?”
“N-n-no.” Try as she might Stella could not remember anything. She must have hit her head hard. But how? “Please! Tell me!”
“Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Oh deary deary me.”
“What?! Tell me! I’m begging you!”
“Hush! This instant!” hissed the woman.
The girl had no option but to fall silent.
“Now Auntie can begin.” It was as if she was telling a bedtime story. “It was a rainy morning. You were sat in the back seat of your father’s Rolls Royce, on your way into London. Your father had another appointment with the bank manager, while your mother was going to take you to see Buckingham Palace. But alas! Your jolly jaunt was not to be.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Perhaps your father had been drinking…”
“He never drank!” protested Stella.
“…and he must have been driving too fast…”
“He never drove too fast!”
But Alberta was in full flow now and there was absolutely no stopping her. “The Rolls Royce was speeding along a coastal road. Your father lost control of the car on a sharp bend and…” Suddenly the woman paused, for dramatic effect. It was as if she was enjoying being the bearer of bad news.
“What?!”
“It plunged over the side of a cliff!”
“NO!” Stella screamed.
“Yes! Smashing on to the rocks below,” Alberta said, before adding her own sound effect.
“BOOM!”
Stella was sobbing now.
“There there!” said Alberta, patting her niece on her head as if she were a dog. “You, child, are very lucky to be alive. Very lucky. You have been in a coma for СКАЧАТЬ