Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

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СКАЧАТЬ that she had never connected with her vacant love life. Joanie had a younger sister named Stephanie who was born severely handicapped. As a young girl, Joanie remembered helping carry her little sister everywhere, because she couldn’t walk, and helping to feed her, because she couldn’t coordinate her limbs. Stephanie was confined to a wheelchair at age five, and eventu-ally was put into a home for children with special needs.

      ‘I remember lying in bed as a child next to Stephanie,’ Joanie remi­nisced, ‘and looking at her beautiful face. I couldn’t understand why God did this to my little sister. She was my only sibling—my parents didn’t have any children after that—and I felt like she was taken from me. Everyone used to tell me how lucky I was to be healthy, but that only made me feel more … well, I guess “guilty” is the right word. I felt guilty to be so normal when poor Steph was so damaged.’

      Joanie broke down and cried tears of grief and love for her little sister. We talked about the decisions she had made as a child—that she didn’t deserve to be happy if Stephanie wasn’t happy, that she didn’t deserve to have a husband and a normal love life, since Stephanie would never be able to have one. Joanie hadn’t been aware of what a powerful affect her guilt had on her as an adult. Somehow her feelings translated into behavior that kept men away from her. She was emotionally programmed not to fall in love. Now that she was aware of the source of her pattern, Joanie could begin to heal her feelings of guilt and give herself permission to be twice as happy—one dose for herself, and one dose for Stephanie.

      USING YOUR PAST TO CREATE A LOVING FUTURE

      I’m sure you have been able to relate to some if not many parts of this chapter. Don’t be surprised if your personal experience is a combination of several things: Maybe you concluded that you’ve been ‘going home’ by choosing partners who don’t make you feel special, because that’s what your childhood was like, and have been falling in love with men or women just like Mom or Dad in order to rescue them. You may even have to read this chapter over several times before you can digest all of the information it contains. Here are some suggestions that will help:

      

Make sure to do all of the exercises I’ve included. They really work. Don’t avoid the ones that are scary—they are probably the ones you need to do most.

      

Write down all of the realizations and insights you have about yourself and your love choices. Putting your thoughts into words will help make them more tangible and will start the process of helping you change your emotional programming.

      

If you are in a relationship, share your insights with your partner, and ask him or her to read the book and do the same. If you are not in a relationship, do this with a close friend. THE MORE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW REALIZATIONS, THE LESS YOU WILL TEND TO FORGET THEM.

      This chapter is titled ‘Why We Choose the People We love.’ We’ve talked about emotional programming, completing childhood business, trying to rescue Mom or Dad, and other unhealthy motivators for choosing a mate.

      But what about healthy reasons for falling in love? Don’t they exist? Is it possible to choose a partner because we simply love them? The answer, of course, is YES. That magical feeling of connection called ‘love’ can draw us to someone. What’s important to remember, however, is that even in the best of relationships, many unhealthy patterns may manifest themselves. For instance, you could be in a very happy relationship but notice that you have a tendency to try to fix your partner, or rebel against your mate’s demands for intimacy. These behaviors probably have their source in that emotional programming we discussed.

      So if you are in a good relationship, and have discovered that some of the reasons you are together have to do with your emotional programming, don’t panic and think you need to break up or get divorced. Every relationship has some elements of healing in it, and there is nothing better than having a partner with whom you feel safe. You can work together to heal the wounded parts in each of you.

      And if you are in a relationship you suspect is not healthy, read Chapter Eleven in this book to help you determine whether to stay in a relationship.

      I know this can be a painful, though enlightening, chapter to read, and I’m proud of you for having had the courage to finish it! There is a wonderful quote by George Santayana:

      ‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’

      None of us can ever fully escape from the influence of our past. I truly believe, however, that by remembering, we can turn the pain of our poor choices into wonderful lessons that help us create the healthy and loving relationships we desire.

      

       A person doesn’t need a reason to fall in love. The experience itself is reason enough. BARBARA DE ANGELIS, AGE 17 JOURNAL ENTRY

      When I was seventeen and hopelessly romantic, I lived in a philo­sophical world of idealism and fantasy. The year was 1968. My favorite book was The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, my favorite song ‘The Impossible Dream’ from the Broadway musical Man of La Mancha. I used to listen to that song ten times a day because it helped me believe anything was possible; I believed in people; I believed in the hope of world peace. And most of all, I believed in love, To me, falling in love had to be the highest human experience there was. As you can see from the above quote, I didn’t really care about whether a relationship was good or bad, whether the person was right for me or not. I was fascinated with the mere idea of being in love.

      Many years and many lessons later, I have learned that what should be the joy of falling in love can quickly turn into sorrow if you are falling in love for the wrong reasons. Can there be wrong reasons for falling in love? In spite of what I thought at seventeen, the answer is yes.

       GETTING INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE FOR THE WRONG REASONS IS ONE OF THE WAYS IN WHICH WE CREATE UNHEALTHY AND UNFULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS.

      There are many reasons why people decide to have relationships other than being in love. This chapter talks about seven wrong reasons to have a relationship. As you read each one, ask yourself if you’ve made one or more of these mistakes in your past, or if you’re making them in your life even now. The more of these patterns you recognize, the more you’ll understand why some of your past relationships caused you so much pain and disappointment, and the more you’ll be able to avoid recreating these patterns in your future relationships.

       SEVEN WRONG REASONS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP:

       1. Pressure (age, family, friends, etc.)

       2. Loneliness and desperation

       3. Sexual hunger

       4. Distraction from your own life

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