Are You the One for Me?. Barbara Angelis De

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      I believe that we all have some unfinished emotional business from childhood, but if you aren’t happy with your relationship choices and suspect you may still be held hostage by your childhood feelings, spend some time thinking about all you’ve read and look for some connections between your past and your present.

       FEAR OF INTIMACY

      

Do you attract people who can’t make a commitment?

      

Do you feel frightened or smothered when someone expresses strong feelings of love toward you?

      

Do you find yourself pushing people away, even when they’re giving you what you want?

      If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be affected by the third way in which your emotional programming can determine your love choices: it gives you a fear of intimacy.

       ITS NOT INTIMACY WE FEAR, ITS THE CONSEQUENCES OF INTIMACY.

      Here’s how it works. Let’s say that, as a child, someone with whom you were intimate, such as a parent, sibling, or relative, hurt you in some way. Maybe you loved your mother and she died when you were a child. Your mind makes an association between intimacy and that painful experience.

      Intimacy = Loss or Intimacy = Shame or Intimacy = Pain

      In other words, you associate intimacy with a negative consequence.

      Years pass. You consciously tell yourself you want a loving, intimate relationship with a partner, but your emotional programming associates intimacy with something undesirable. So your unconscious mind makes choices in partners who will ‘protect’ you from intimacy because they are either unavailable or uncomfortable with intimacy themselves. ‘Why can’t I attract someone who will give me the love I want?’ you complain. The answer: Because you don’t want to be loved that way. You don’t trust it. It caused you pain in the past, and you are afraid it will again.

      Suzanne is a thirty-eight-year-old graphic artist who attended a women’s seminar I gave. ‘My biological clock is running out,’ Suzanne told us. ‘All I want is to find a husband, settle down, and have a fami­ly. I’ve been looking for the right man for years, but I keep finding the wrong ones—married men, men who don’t want kids, men who are afraid to feel. Why aren’t there any good men out there?’

      I listened to Suzanne complain about her love life, and had a feeling there was something else to it. A few hours later, after an emotional exercise, I found out what it was. ‘I’ve never realized this before,’ she began with a shaky voice and tears in her eyes, ‘but I don’t think I ever forgave my father for leaving me and my mother. My parents got divorced when I was three years old, and my father moved to another state. I only saw him a few times after that. I remember my mom telling me that we were better off without him, and I think I convinced myself that she was right. I’ve tried for years to block him out of my mind, to tell myself his leaving didn’t affect me, but I know it must have. Ever since I walked into this workshop, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, and I’m tired of pretending that it was okay. I’m tired of feeling so numb.’

      Suzanne continued to attract unavailable or unsuitable men into her life because she was petrified of intimacy. To Suzanne, intimacy meant loss, fear, mistrust, pain, and disappointment. Consciously she wanted a man in her life, but unconsciously she was emotionally programmed to avoid intimacy at all costs. Before she could have a healthy relationship with a man, Suzanne would have to purge herself of the pain she had avoided feeling for so long, and create a new, positive picture of intimacy.

       Exercise: Write down any negative words you have associated with intimacy. Think about why you may have made those decisions about what intimacy means, and ask yourself if those decisions have been affecting your choices in partners.

       LOW SELF-ESTEEM

      There’s a popular concept in many metaphysical philosophies that says:

       YOU GET WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE.

      Not only do I believe this, but I have seen it manifest itself in my own life and the lives of thousands of people I have worked with. For many of us, the problem is that we don’t think we deserve a lot when it comes to love. This is the fourth way your emotional programming can affect your love life: it unconsciously tells you that you don’t deserve the love you consciously think you want.

      I could write a whole book on self-esteem, but here’s the important point:

       IF YOU WERE TOLD OR CONCLUDED THAT YOU WERE NOT LOVABLE AS A CHILD, YOU MAY HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME ATTRACTING LOVE.

      As children we believe what our parents tell us, because we love them and because they are the only authorities we know. So if your parents told you you weren’t good enough, or smart enough, or likable enough, part of you believed them. Even if they didn’t actually use these words, but treated you in an unloving way, you probably still concluded that you were unlovable. When you grow up, you either attract people into your life who can’t love you, or mistreat you, or you have a difficult time finding partners at all.

      The big problem with low self-esteem is that you may not even realize you aren’t being treated well in your relationships. People with self-esteem problems typically either make excuses for why their partner isn’t loving them enough or blame themselves for their partner’s behavior.

      CASE#1

      Craig, twenty-seven, is dating a woman who constantly breaks dates, shows up late or not at all, and doesn’t call to explain. It’s obvious to his friends that she doesn’t really care about Craig, but he doesn’t see it that way. ‘Patrice is just really busy,’ he insists. ‘She is dedicated to her career, and sometimes things come up at the last minute she needs to do.’ Craig grew up with a father who told him he would never amount to anything, and a silent mother who was afraid to interfere. Craig is used to being ignored and treated like he is unimportant, so Patrice’s behavior doesn’t seem strange to him.

      DO YOU FEEL TOO GUILTY TO BE LOVABLE?

      Sometimes it isn’t our parents’ influence that destroyed our self-esteem, but repressed feelings of guilt or shame we’ve been carrying with us since childhood.

       IF YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING YOU HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOURSELF FOR, OR FEEL IN SOME WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S PAIN, YOUR EMOTIONAL PROGRAMMING MIGHT HAVE CONCLUDED THAT YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

      CASE#2

      Joanie was a vivacious thirty-two-year-old nurse who couldn’t seem to meet men, let alone start a relationship. I was surprised to hear Joanie describe her lonely life, since she was so outgoing and attractive. ‘I don’t know what it is about me,’ she complained, ‘but no matter what I do, I can’t find someone to love. All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends. What’s wrong with me?’

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