Classic After-Dinner Sports Tales. Jonathan Rice

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СКАЧАТЬ he tried, the worse he got, and the more his temper increased. Off the 17th tee, he pulled his shot far left, fully 50 yards out of bounds. Furious, he put a second ball down, and gave it an almighty whack. That ball he sliced horribly; it hit a tree and rebounded way, way out of bounds to the right.

      Immediately he pulled out another ball, but before he took his next attempt, I thought I would calm him down with some advice.

      ‘Slow down. Take it gently. Imagine you’re making love to your secretary.’

      Back came the immediate response, ‘How the hell do you think I can hit a golf ball with a paper bag over my face!’

      CHRIS COWDREY

       Son of Colin, Chris Cowdrey captained both Kent and England at cricket. In a first-class career stretching from 1977 to 1992, he scored over 12,000 runs and took 200 wickets. He is now a cricket journalist and broadcaster.

      You will probably be aware that between my father Colin and me, we captained England on 31 occasions. I can’t remember the exact split, but I seem to recall that he was around the 30 mark.

      JOHN CRAWLEY

       Cambridge University, Lancashire, Hampshire and England batsman, who made his Test debut for England in 1994.

      The setting is a post-season tour to Jersey with Lancashire. It was a very friendly game, during which Andy Flintoff got hit in the private parts, obviously without a box on. He was carried off, and in the privacy of the dressing room used a pint glass to soothe the affected area.

      It was a very hot day and Gary Yates had been batting a long time. He was finally out, and on his return to the pavilion, immediately looked for refreshment. Dressing rooms being what they are, everybody pointed him in the direction of the offending pint glass. He supped the whole lot down. The dressing room erupted with laughter and sniggering. Gary’s reaction is, unfortunately, unprintable.

      ROBERT CROFT

       Glamorgan and England cricketer, off-spinner and useful lower order batsman, who has played more Tests for England than any other Glamorgan player.

      Hugh Morris (while captain of Glamorgan CCC) and Graham Gooch were interviewed about their hopes for the 1993 season.

      Hugh’s hopes were to score 1,000 runs, for Glamorgan to finish tenth in the County Championship, tenth in the Sunday League, and to reach the first round of the Nat West and Benson and Hedges Cups.

      Graham’s hopes were for 1,500 first-class runs, 1,000 Test runs in the calendar year, 35 first-class wickets, not to mention Essex winning the County Championship and the Nat West Cup, finishing in the top three in the Sunday League, and reaching the final of the Benson and Hedges Cup.

      He added, ‘I’m also feeling very fit and hope to do the London Marathon in under three hours.’

      The interviewer then said, ‘Isn’t that a bit optimistic, Graham?’ to which Graham replied, ‘Well, Hugh bloody started it!’

      BARRY CRYER

      Comedian, star of BBC radio’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, comedy script writer and brilliant after-dinner speaker.

      My membership number of the Lord’s Taverners is 1066, so I hope I can be allowed an archery story.

      The night before the Battle of Hastings, King Harold was inspecting his archers. He painted a target on a barn door, and told his archers to demonstrate their prowess. The first bowman fired an arrow and pinned a butterfly to the barn door in the middle of the target. The second threw a clod of earth in the air and pierced it with three arrows before it too was pinned to the door. The third fired, missed the barn door, and everybody was forced to duck when his arrow ricocheted off a tree.

      ‘Watch out for this one,’ said the King. ‘He’ll have somebody’s bloody eye out in the morning.’

      Willie Rushton, on checking into the Europa Hotel, Belfast, read on the registration form the question, ‘How did you hear about this hotel?’ As it had been blown up three times, he wrote, ‘News At Ten’.

       D

      DICKIE DAVIES

      The one-time face of ITV Sport, and long-serving presenter of World Of Sport, Dickie Davies is a legend in sporting journalism.

      Some years ago, Welsh rugby was going through some very bad times, and the team was beaten by the likes of Romania and Canada. The result was that the Welsh RFU just couldn’t sell any tickets for the games. So they tried new outlets, like a chemist’s shop in Llanelli. Gwyn and Gareth passed by and saw the ad in the window for tickets for the next Wales game. Because of their desire to support their country, Gwyn went into the chemist’s to buy two tickets, while Gareth waited outside on the pavement to check that nobody they recognised came by.

      Eventually, Gwyn came out again, carrying two packets of condoms.

      ‘What do you want those for, Gwyn?’ asked Gareth. ‘You don’t know any women.’

      ‘No, but I was too embarrassed to ask for the tickets.’

      GARETH Y DAVIES

       Head of Sport at S4C.

      Clive Rowlands captained Wales in all of his 14 appearances. He then became national coach, President of WRU, and was manager of the successful British Lions tour to Australia in 1989.

      He is often remembered as the scrum-half who ‘kicked the leather off the ball’, and was largely responsible for 111, yes 111 line-outs in the Scotland v Wales match at Murrayfield in 1963 which Wales won 6-3. As a result of this, the laws were changed within a short time, to prevent a player kicking the ball directly into touch outside the respective 22-metre areas.

      Six years or so ago, whilst Clive and I were on broadcasting duties in Edinburgh, The Scotsman newspaper carried a full page on famous Scotland v Wales matches, with photographs of Gerald Davies, Andy Irvine and John Taylor, who had all played key roles in some of the memorable clashes between both nations.

      At the foot of the page there was also a photo of Clive, and he was quite pleased despite the heading being ‘the man who nearly killed the game’!

      As we later entered Murrayfield a very enthusiastic steward – we’ve all met them – approached Clive in a very officious manner and said, ‘Pass please’, to which Clive instantly responded, ‘Don’t you read the papers? I never give a pass at Murrayfield!’

      KEVIN DEVINE

      Scots broadcaster and former member of the BBC TV That’s Life team.

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