Classic After-Dinner Sports Tales. Jonathan Rice

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СКАЧАТЬ seconds to on-air’ and there was, for some reason, a momentary hush around the ground, with drums and cymbals silenced. As if on cue, came a very loud, and very Bajan voice.

      ‘Hey, Sir Richard Benaud,’ it echoed around the small ground.

      Now he had everyone’s attention.

      ‘You de son of dat guy who couldn’t get out Atkinson and Depeiza all de fourth day in 1955?’ I managed a quick and slightly tight smile to acknowledge the minor connection, even if he did have the family line slightly astray.

      ‘If you couldn’t bowl dem out, you do right to take up television, man,’ he continued, just as I was saying, ‘Good morning and welcome to the paradise island of the Caribbean.’

      But I was saying it through my own laughter and that of a thousand spectators in the Kensington Stand right behind me.

      The man’s timing was perfect, and so was his memory.

      BOB BEVAN

       What can one say about Bob The Cat that he has not said already? He is not only the old Wilsonians greatest ever 6th-XI goalkeeper, but also one of Britain’s greatest after-dinner speakers. He was for many years a Trustee of the Lord’s Taverners.

      Last October, I sat in the dressing room before our first round AFA 6th-XI cup-tie. I was resting in between tying up my left boot and my right boot – the doctor has told me not to lace up one immediately after the other – when a young player in the corner piped up,

      ‘Pardon me, Cat, but is this the first round?’ I bit my lip. A tear rolled down my cheek. I tried to catch it, but missed.

      ‘Yes son,’ I said sadly. ‘We only play in first rounds.’

      In my first game of the 2003 season for Bells Yew Green away to Outwood, it might be fair to say that my fielding was not yet into its usual mid-season sharpness. Our captain,

      Mark Beard, who as club treasurer is not generally noted for his humour, said to me, ‘I’ve found out how to hide you in the field.’

      ‘How?’ I enquired.

      ‘I’m bringing you on to bowl.’

      HAROLD BIRD

       Dickie Bird MBE played county cricket for Yorkshire and Leicestershire and then went on to become our best known and best loved umpire. At the start of his 66th and final Test, at Lord’s in 1996, the Indian players stood as a guard of honour as he came out to umpire. He still gave Michael Atherton out lbw in the first over.

      I remember umpiring at Old Trafford (everything seemed to happen to me at Old Trafford) in an England v Australia Test. Bob Holland, the Australian leg-spinner, was bowling from my end to Graham Gooch. Holland bowled a full toss, which Graham hit straight back at me like a bullet. It hit me on the ankle and down I went. The Australian physio came out onto the field to give me treatment, to a huge cheer from the full house at Old Trafford.

      After I received my treatment and stood up rather shakily to restart play, Bob Holland thanked me for saving four runs. Graham Gooch, on the other hand, was not happy at having lost four runs. It’s amazing what can happen in the middle of a Test match.

      NAAS BOTHA

       South African rugby international, a former Springbok fly-half and captain during the 1980s, who scored 312 points in international rugby.

      We were watching an international soccer match at Loftus Versfeld stadium in Pretoria, when after the game I went off and got a bunch of my friends a round of drinks.

      As I returned with a tray full of beers, my mobile phone rang, It was my wife, Karen. She wanted to know when I was coming home, so I naturally replied that I was already on my way and wouldn’t be long.

      I then sat down with my mates and carried on chatting about the football.

      My mate Dave looked rather surprised, and he asked, ‘Didn’t I just hear you tell Karen you are on your way?’

      ‘Yah,’ I said, ‘but I’m the type of bloke who, if he is going to get into trouble, likes to do it in instalments.’

      IAN BOTHAM

       Perhaps England’s greatest all-round cricketer of all time, Ian Botham is best remembered for his amazing displays in 1981, when his batting and bowling transformed lost causes and brought the Ashes back home. Since his retirement, Botham has raised millions for charity by his marathon walks.

      I have many great memories of touring with the England team during my cricket career, and numerous stories to tell about my room-mates! However, one man stands out in particular – Derek Randall, or Arkle as he is known to his fellow players and friends.

      On returning to his hotel room in Adelaide, following a day in the field, he decided to run a bath. Having turned the water on, he remembered that he needed to pass on a message to Messrs. I.T. Botham and A.J. Lamb. He quickly wrapped a towel around his body and slipped across the corridor to their room. We opened the door to Arkle, invited him in for a drink (a cup of Earl Grey, of course) and spent a while chatting. On leaving the room, he realised that he had left his key inside his room. Unlike most people, instead of asking either Lamby or myself to ring down to reception, he decided to go down himself.

      At the Adelaide Hilton that night, there was a rather special function, with people from all over Australia arriving dressed in DJs – the works. As the towel-clad Arkle arrived at the reception desk, there was utter chaos, with people running hell for leather out of the dining room, some soaking wet.

      While asking the very flustered receptionist if he could have another key for his room, he also enquired what the problem was.

      ‘Some stupid **** has left their bath water running and flooded the dining area!’

      No need to ask who, as she handed over the replacement key to a slightly under-dressed Mr. Randall!

      MAX BOYCE

      Welsh comedian, raconteur and musician – and rugby fan. His album We All Had Doctors’ Papers was the first comedy album to top the charts.

      When I visited Madame Tussaud’s in London a few years ago, I was amazed to see some large life-size wax models of the Welsh rugby team being loaded into a forty-foot container marked ‘URGENT – for the attention of the England selectors, Twickenham’.

      I enquired what they intended doing with them and was told that the English selectors had ordered them and were going to install them at Twickenham. The England team were then going to practise tackling and sidestepping them. Intrigued, I rang the Chairman of England selectors and asked him how the new training method was going.

      ‘Not very well,’ he replied. ‘Wales won, 14-6.’

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