Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life. Penny Palmano

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СКАЧАТЬ The answer is, clearly, no.

      But it’s not the child’s fault, as the parents have unintentionally trained him that way.

      It is surprising how many children are taught that ‘No’ means ‘Maybe’ and, to some, ‘No’ eventually means ‘Yes’.

      Parents eventually giving in to their children’s continual requests for something may seem harmless, but it will be a complete pain in the backside when, ten years down the line, it becomes a perpetual droning every time they want something.

      And this is how it happens. For example, a toddler wants another biscuit and the parent says, ‘No.’ The toddler will then go on and on that she wants another biscuit. The parent still says, ‘No.’ Bear in mind toddlers have little conception of time. So the child continues to whine about the biscuit. The parent often becomes fed up with the whining and to keep the peace gives in and gives the child another biscuit with some lame response, such as, ‘Now this really is your last one.’

      By this seemingly harmless action, the child has been taught that although ‘No’ was said several times, if she whines long enough she will eventually get what she wants. And let’s face it, at the time it may seem so much easier to give in than to hold your ground, but be firm. And don’t be fooled by the dramatics; a young child begging for another biscuit then crying for just one more will pull at the old heart strings. Stand your ground. You are doing your child a disservice if you give in.

      In a situation like this, if you have said, ‘No,’ remove the biscuits or the wanted item out of sight, and divert the child’s attention with a toy, a book, a drawing, anything. If you are in company, don’t be embarrassed, simply explain, you’ll get far more respect than if you’re seen to be giving in.

      If you start this at an early age, a child will have learnt that ‘No’ means ‘No’ by the time they are three or four, and life will be much easier. This is not to say they will never ask a second or third time for something, after all you want them to show a bit of spirit, but they will expect and accept a definitive ‘No’.

      Remain calm and in control

      ‘Easier said than done!’ you’re probably thinking, when the children have been arguing all day, refuse to leave the TV and won’t do their homework or tidy their room. In a perfect world we would never lose our tempers and shout at our children, but in a perfect world our children would never do anything to make us. However, in the real world they do and sometimes we do lose it.

      In such cases when you suddenly snap and scream or shout at your children, if they are young, they may burst into tears as they have never seen their mother or father in this state and it frightens them. As soon as you compose yourself, apologize to them and say that you’re sorry you lost your temper. Some young children may need to be reassured that although you shouted you still love them. Don’t go thinking you are a terrible parent or having a guilt trip because you screamed a short monologue at your children. First, you are not alone and secondly, you are a parent not a saint!

      However, even older children can be upset by seeing a parent suddenly losing it. Again apologize, but do not let your sudden lack of control become the substitute for their punishment. If during your rant you unrealistically said that they were not going to go out for a month and anything still remaining on their bedroom floor was going to be binned, when you have composed yourself, impose a sensible punishment. If your children are not used to seeing you lose control, they too will feel guilty that they pushed you that far, where in truth it was possibly a combination of things, culminating in their behaviour being ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back’. If this is the case explain it to them, as they can start to understand, as they get older, the pressures adults are put under with work, relationships, money issues and children.

      Try to stay calm.

      Making a habit of shouting at your children will just teach them that if you can’t control yourself, why should they? They will revert to shouting and screaming when they are angry. Shouting is very ineffective and they will cease listening to what you are saying. Some children actually quite enjoy seeing a parent losing their self-control and will wind them up accordingly. Don’t fall into that trap.

      It is far more effective to speak in a very firm, very controlled voice, as if to say, ‘I am in control and I intend remaining very much in control.’

      Dealing with Unsociable Behaviour: 1–4 years old

      What to expect

      Toddlers are as much maligned as teenagers; they are labelled rebellious, defiant, even impossible. And yes they can be all those things. In fact these two development stages are similar, as the children are battling for independence. Our mission as parents from day one is to help, guide and educate them towards that independence.

      However, a few valuable points to remember about toddlers are:

      

They have a short attention span

      

They do not have the ability to see the consequences of their actions

      

They are curious about everything

      

They are easily distracted

      First, never forget that you are an adult. You are a responsible adult who can have a mortgage, drive a car, reproduce and earn a living. Your children may not yet be two, they probably can’t hold a pencil correctly, hold a conversation or control their bowels. So there’s no reason they should get the better of you, is there? Is there?

      At around two your toddlers will start to assert themselves as the battle for their ultimate goal, independence, begins, which will incorporate winning and losing a few battles along the way. This two-year period is actually the time when they suss out what sort of parents you are and how much they will be able to get away with in the future. Their respect for you starts here. Crack it now and life will be easier for all of you. Although your children won’t recognize it, they will feel reassured and safe knowing that their parents are there constantly guiding, helping, correcting and leading them on their long road to independence.

      Children need, and subconsciously want, boundaries and they need to know what they are. Keep rules simple so that they can understand, such as they are not allowed to hit the cat, or bang their sit-on car into the cupboard. Once they know their boundaries they will try and cross them.

      Very often they will watch for your reaction as they do it, as if to say, ‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Do something about it. Stop them immediately. In these examples, remove the cat or the car and tell them why. They will be so much happier for it (so will the cat).

      When toddlers start to disagree with you it’s not because they’re being disrespectful, they just have a different opinion. If you were to have a toddler that just sat quietly in the corner and obeyed your every command, then worry!

      Tantrums (Theirs Not Yours)

      Anytime СКАЧАТЬ