Fern Britton Short Story Collection: The Stolen Weekend, A Cornish Carol, The Beach Cabin. Fern Britton

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      Helen ended up waiting in all day for ‘Gasping Bob’. Despite leaving him numerous messages, there had been no word from Piran. Presumably he’d been so absorbed in his Roman fort that he’d forgotten all about her. That evening, the storm took a nasty turn as another weather front settled in over the region. Helen made her way up to bed with a strong sense of foreboding about what the latest bout of wind and rain would do to her little cottage. She slept fitfully and was already awake when a large chunk of her bedroom ceiling caved in, the water cascading down the flaking plaster and all over her John Lewis symmetric weave, thick-pile rug.

      Not normally given to crying, she sat in stunned silence and surveyed the wreckage of what used to be her bedroom. Feeling the hot well of tears threatening to bubble over, Helen realised she had reached some sort of breaking point. Grabbing her dressing gown, she made her way down to the front door and pulled on her wellies. Within minutes she’d jumped into her little car and driven the short distance to Piran’s house. It took a few angry thumps on the old wooden front door before his gruff voice could be heard from within.

      ‘All right, keep your ruddy ’air on. Where’s the fire?’

      The words died in his mouth as he took in the vision of his usually elegant and graceful girlfriend. Sopping wet and looking like she’d been dragged through a hedge backwards, Helen fired out her words like short, sharp pistol shots.

      ‘If I have to suffer one more night of Chinese water torture in my own home, I, Helen Merrifield, am personally going to beat you, Piran Ambrose, to death’ – she yanked a sodden and muddy welly from one foot – ‘with this Wellington boot!!’ She brandished it at him.

      For a moment Piran could only stand there in his hastily pulled on boxers, gawping at her. Then he collapsed into gales of helpless laughter. Helen promptly burst into tears and Piran scooped her up, took her inside and then tucked her up in his bed.

      It was now Thursday morning and Helen was watching slightly aghast as a man of indeterminate age, but somewhere between eighty-five and one hundred and five years old hoisted a ladder from the top of a battered white van and staggered towards the door of Gull’s Cry. His wispy grey hair was tied back in a ponytail, he wore the tightest of skimpy shorts that showcased the knobbliest of brown knees. He was wearing a T-shirt bearing the legend Cornish Men Do It Slowly and a brown roll-up poked out of the side of his mouth.

      ‘This is Gasping Bob? The man who’s going to fix my roof?’ she whispered to Piran, incredulous.

      ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover, maid.’

      Piran greeted Gasping Bob like a long-lost friend and Helen was surprised to see the old man shoot up the ladder and on to the roof with the agility of a geriatric Tarzan.

      Moments later, he’d assessed the damage and was back down again.

      ‘Well, what do you think?’ asked Helen.

      Gasping Bob shook his head and said, ‘Ah …’

      ‘Is that good news or bad news?’

      He shook his head, shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Ah …’

      ‘Well, are you going to fix it?’

      ‘Ah …’

      Helen turned to Piran. ‘Please tell me that this man is going to fix my roof. I don’t think I can take much more of this.’

      Piran looked at her with irritation. ‘Leave the man to do his work and stop wittering, woman.’ And with that, he and Gasping Bob wandered off in a huddle and carried on their private conversation in what sounded to Helen like more ahs and umms.

      Helen balled her fists in annoyance. ‘Bloody Cornwall! Bloody Cornish men!’

      And with that she headed off across the village green to the vicarage in hope of finding a cup of tea, or something stronger.

      ‘So, you’re camping out at Piran’s until further notice then?’ Penny poured them each a cup of tea from the shiny brown tea pot and offered her friend a chocolate HobNob.

      ‘Looks that way, but we’ll drive each other nuts after a few days. He can’t bear to have a woman cluttering up the place and he’s impossible to live with – just so bloody male, and Cornish male to boot.’ Helen sipped her tea. ‘Got anything stronger?’

      ‘Brandy? Can’t join you – Simon’s car is playing up again and I’ll have to pick him up in Trevay.’

      ‘No fun tippling on your own,’ Helen responded. ‘What about you – you look exhausted?’

      ‘I am. It’s been one thing after another. What with the shoot, then Simon’s stress levels, plus the whole village contriving to drive us into an early grave … I spent most of yesterday СКАЧАТЬ