William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story. Matt Rudd

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СКАЧАТЬ 27 May

      Isabel found dark stubbly hair in her razor. Firmly told not to do it again or she’ll tell Johnson.

      ‘Evening, boys.’

      ‘Evening, Isabel.’

      The four of us are in the pub. Johnson is behaving like he’s in an interrogation room. He squints suspiciously at Isabel.

      ‘Well, since I’m the honorary bloke, I’ll get the first round.’

      While we sit in silence, she goes to the bar, returning minutes later with four pints of bitter, four whisky chasers and four packets of pork scratchings. Everyone starts to relax.

      Three pints later, we are playing one of Isabel’s traveller drinking games. A pint after that, Andy is explaining to us how breasts vary from one nation to the next. Then, Isabel tells everyone that I use a Ladyshave. Then Johnson tells us his post-pee dribble trick.

      Johnson’s post-pee dribble trick

      You have to trick it. Finish the pee, shake as usual, put away, zip up, pretend you’re leaving then retrieve when it thinks it’s in the clear and have another shake. I tried it and it works. Andy did too. Can’t believe I’m almost thirty and only now have I truly mastered the art of urinating.

      Rest of evening spent discussing where to hold the door handle on the way out of the toilet. I always hold it at the top corner, where other people don’t touch it. Johnson reckons that doesn’t work because it’s the bit least likely to be cleaned properly. Even though it’s touched less, the germs have longer to prosper. Andy uses his shirtsleeve or waits for someone else to come in. Isabel thinks we should get out more.

      Saturday 28 May

      Andy is unconscious, perhaps dead, on our sofa. Johnson called to say he fell asleep on the night bus and woke up in a depot near Hounslow. I feel as sick as I did on the third day of our honeymoon after eating the warm lamb rogan josh.

      Isabel, on the other hand, is eating toast and contemplating a fry-up.

      ‘I think I’ll skip the next few pub outings. You three are lightweights.’

      ‘Fine by me.’

      ‘And it really is true, isn’t it? Blokes can spend a whole night in a pub talking about absolutely nothing whatsoever. No “how was the honeymoon?” or “how’s work?” or “sorry things didn’t work out with the waitress” or “terrible what’s going on in Bangladesh”.’

      ‘Blokes don’t need to natter on the whole time.’

      ‘Oh, I see. Okay. Still, at least I know how to shake my willy.’

      Johnson was right—women should not be allowed to gatecrash bloke-nights.

      WHY BRITISH MEN DON’T NATTER ON THE WHOLE TIME

      It’s exhausting.

      We’re not Italian.

      Life is too short.

      We spend our (too short) lives being nattered at by women. It is therefore only sensible to think of male company as a pause between bouts of nattering. Isabel can’t see this because she is a woman. While she made a good honorary bloke last night, she has reverted to type this morning by nattering. Even if she did make an excellent fry-up.

      Monday 30 May

      Met Isabel four years ago today. Seems like much, much longer. Not in a bad way.

      Dinner at Andrew Edmunds (note for next time, refuse downstairs table if upstairs full and go somewhere else instead because left smelling like lamb chops), then a tour of all the bars we’d got drunk in back when we were all excited and unfamiliar with each other. Isabel gets super-nostalgic: ‘We sat on this sofa, you ordered those drinks, you tripped on that step and ruined the dress of a girl sitting at that table. And you were wearing that horrible off-centre skintight jumper.’

      I explain, as I did at the time, that it was bias-cut, very fashionable, chosen by a fashion PR who’d felt sorry for me. She explains, as she did at the time, that I will never be fashionable with my sticky-out ears and my sticky-out nose and my pointy little head. And I remember why I fell in love with her. And how we met on a speed-dating evening neither of us had planned to go to.

      What if she hadn’t gone along to support her recently dumped friend? What if my mate Tom hadn’t forced me to go along with him because he wasn’t going to turn up on his own ‘like some creepy pervert’?

      The speed-date girls I could have ended up with

      ‘Hello, I’m William.’

      ‘Hello, William. I’m Alison. Isn’t it hard to meet people these days? Just so busy at the firm…working all the hours. Not a min, simply not a min to meet a man. Wouldn’t be here otherwise, course. If I had some sensible job, you know. Not going to meet someone between my flat and the office, am I?, which is the only time I ever get out these days. I’m not going to fall in love with the fat middle-aged guy who looks up my skirt on the Tube every morning, am I? That’s why I’m here. Not because I’m desperate.’

      ‘Hi, my name is William.’

      ‘Right, William. I’ll be straight with you. I’ve been mucked about by men far too much and I’m sick of you lying bastards. Yes, I’m blonde and yes, I have very large breasts but that doesn’t mean I’m a tart. I want to know, right now, before we go a single second further, if you’re seriously looking for love, if you want to have a relationship. You know, with actual dating and cinemas and walks in the country. I’m not interested in wasting any more time with no-hopers. Capiche?’

      ‘Good evening, I’m William.’

      ‘William. Charlotte. Do you ride? Horses, that is. Hahahahaha. I love riding. I’m still talking about horses. Hahahahahahahaha-haha-snort. I ride three. Still horses, William, you filthy-minded man. Hahahahaha. Another glass of ssshampypampy? Oh go on. Oops. Spilt it. Bit squiffy, which is odd because I’ve only had two glasses. We should go riding sometime. Not talking about horses any more, William, hahahahahaha.’

       JUNE

       ‘Marriage is a wonderful invention;But, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.’

      BILLY CONNOLLY

      Wednesday 1 June

      REASONS TO BE HAPPY

      Married for a month, only one proper argument and that was under immense airport-related stress. Don’t know what Johnson was worried about. If anything, life with СКАЧАТЬ