William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story. Matt Rudd

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СКАЧАТЬ 21 May

      Slept for a whole day in lovely bed with lovely wife who still loves me despite honeymoon, then got dragged to John Lewis to rearrange wedding list. It’s a shame they let you do this. Suspect Isabel knew all along. Lets me put lots of stuff on before the wedding, lets me get all excited when people buy them for us, then switches it all around as soon as I’ve signed the marriage certificate. Clever.

      STUFF I WANTED AND DIDN’T GET

      Gas barbecue: ‘We don’t have a garden.’ ‘We will one day.’ ‘We need something to eat off before then.’

      Croquet set: same.

      Black beanbag: ‘We’re not living in a bachelor pad any more.’

      Rothko prints: same.

      Chef ’s blowtorch: same. ‘But what about crème brûlée?’ ‘You’ll use it once and get bored.’

      Juicer: ‘Boy’s toy. Pointless gadget. Kitchen clutter. No.’

      Coffee machine: same.

      STUFF SHE WANTED AND DID GET

      Twelve dinner plates: I thought the seven we’d got would do.

      Ditto side plates, bowls, spoons.

      Towels: boring.

      Toastie-maker: ‘Isn’t that a pointless gadget?’ ‘No, every kitchen needs one.’

      Duvets: ‘But darling, we’ve got two already.’ ‘Does that include the one with the candle burn from when you were trying to impress Saskia in your horrible Acton bedsit? When you lit a hundred tea lights and she thought you were terribly sophisticated and it was all perfect until the bed caught fire? I can’t believe you told me that. I want that duvet thrown out. It’s horrid.’

      Yoga mat, hairdryer, pair of Birkenstocks: ‘But darling, these aren’t even on the original list.’ ‘I don’t care, I’m still annoyed about the duvet.’ The shop assistant gives her a go-girl look and types B-I-R-K-E-N-S-T-O-C-K-S into her annoying wedding-list computer with a triumphant flourish.

      Saskia. The one crazy fling of my life. The only example of me behaving like a total cad. Ever. Pretty much. I still feel bad about it but that was a long time ago. And it’s still coming back to haunt me, even now I’m married, even here at John Lewis, even though it had nothing to do with Isabel. Why did I ever tell Isabel about the bloody duvet?

      Monday 23 May

      I expected some sort of fanfare, going back to work. To be treated differently. I feel different. Very grown-up. Last time I saw everyone, I was Single Man, now I’m Married Man. I speak the language of Married Man. I’m part of the Holy Order of Married Men. I know the Code. I can do mother-in-law jokes.

      Favourite mother-in-law joke

      My father-in-law was pulled over by the police the other day. The policeman said, ‘Sir, your wife fell out of the car five miles back.’

      My father-in-law replied, ‘Thank God for that, I thought I’d gone deaf.’

      Second favourite mother-in-law joke

      A guy brings his dog into the vet and says, ‘Could you please cut my dog’s tail off?’

      The vet examines the tail and says, ‘But look here, there’s nothing wrong with his tail. Why do you want it off?’

      The man replies, ‘Because my mother-in-law is coming to visit, and I don’t want anything in the house to make her think she’s welcome.’

      I deserve some sort of recognition. A plaque? But all Johnson and the other blokes want to know is if I managed to consummate the marriage on the night (‘None of your business but yes’), and the girls only ask about the dress (‘It was white’), the confetti (‘Yes, there was some’) and the honeymoon (‘I don’t want to talk about it’).

      Then they all see I’m not wearing a wedding ring.

      ‘You’re not wearing a wedding ring.’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Want to keep your options open, do you?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Why aren’t you wearing one then?’

      ‘Because it’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery. And I don’t need to wear one to make sure I’m faithful. Our relationship is based on a bit more than a meaningless bit of platinum. And I looked stupid with a ring on.’

      Can’t wait to get home to my wife. Got home and she’s out with bloody Alex. When she comes back, she says, ‘Well, why aren’t you wearing one?’

      ‘We’ve already discussed this a thousand times. It’s not traditional for men to wear jewellery.’

      ‘Not traditional in your family.’

      ‘I’ll wear one if you want.’

      ‘It’s up to you but I think it would be nice. You know, I’m really, really proud to wear my wedding ring.’

      This is something Isabel is good at: twisting an argument so that what a minute ago sounded fair and reasonable coming out of your mouth sounds like something about as acceptable as kitten-stamping. If you were cynical, you’d interpret this as manipulative. I know Isabel though: it’s only 20 per cent manipulation, 25 per cent misguided reasonableness and 55 per cent being typically female.

      Tuesday 24 May

      Pub crisis meeting with Andy and Johnson. Johnson starts, as he always does, by sucking in his cheeks, crossing his elbows and rocking back on his bar stool authoritatively. He reminds me, as he also always does, that he’s been married for ten difficult years; that if he can do it, married to the woman he is, then anyone can. What he doesn’t know about patching up quarrels, dodging marital bullets and ducking domestic pincer movements isn’t worth wasting good beer time discussing.

      ‘Come on then,’ Andy and I say in unison, ignoring, as we always do, the fact that Johnson’s hard-working, sensible, intelligent, patient and long-suffering wife Ali has almost certainly had a harder time putting up with ten years of the infant Johnson than he has putting up with her.

      ‘It’s not traditional,’ he offers at last.

      ‘Said that.’

      ‘How’s a piece of jewellery going to make any difference whether you’re faithful or not?’

      ‘Said that too.’

      ‘If you’re going to shag someone, a ring won’t stop you. You could just take it off.’

      ‘Yep, СКАЧАТЬ