Break-Up Club: A smart, funny novel about love and friendship. Lorelei Mathias

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      ‘No more than usual,’ Bella said.

      ‘That’s stress, that is,’ Olivia said, ‘when your eyelid gets a trapped nerve. It’s stress, or lack of sleep.’

      ‘Oh well, I’m sure it will go away. What’s everyone drinking? I’m getting this round.’

      ‘Hendricks and slim-line, please,’ Olivia said. ‘Remind me again why you guys drink here?’ she added as she sat down on the only non-saggy bit of sofa, surveying the scattering of Arsenal-shirted, skin-headed punters. As her eyes took in the peeling upholstery and the lighting that hid a multitude of nicotine stains on the walls, her expression read, ‘Take me back to West Didsbury!’

      ‘Because it’s cheap, and we can always get a seat,’ Bella began, ‘and because when you’re here, you can’t sink any lower. Lower your expectations, and you lower your propensity towards disappointment.’ It wasn’t entirely clear whether she was talking about their surroundings or something more. Either way, as was sometimes the case with Bella, there was a kernel of wisdom buried deep.

      ‘So how’s the exciting new job?’ Olivia said. ‘Is it getting any better?’

      ‘Nope. Starting to really wish I’d stayed where I was. Far better to be a junior editor in a company I liked, than a senior one in a clusterfuck of an omnishambles! Not only is it such a small outfit there that I’m doubling as general office gofer, and doing all my own grading as well as the editing, but Jeremy’s also got me and the other editor there competing to pitch him ideas for new shows in our spare time!’

      ‘Bet you’d be good at that though, wouldn’t you?’ Bella said.

      ‘Not the sort of rubbish he likes. From what I’ve seen so far, he’s got the creative judgment of a discombobulated goldfish. But I’m going to give it my best shot.’ Holly’s voice slowed as she noticed a Vesuvius of tears erupting all over Bella’s face.

      ‘What happened?’ she said, stroking Bella’s hair.

      ‘Dylan,’ Bella said, as if this explained everything.

      Holly’s eyes narrowed in confusion.

      ‘It’s bloody, bastarding Bob, on the cocking jukebox. I was doing fine until this!’

      ‘What’s wrong with Bob Dylan?’ Holly asked, regretting it as soon as she had.

      ‘Bob Dylan is Sam’s favourite singer. It’s like they know!’ Bella said, scowling across at a cluster of innocent bystanders at the jukebox. Then she looked hopelessly from Holly to Olivia, her eyes bloodshot.

      ‘Oh, dear,’ Olivia said, leaning forward to give Bella a hug.

      Holly rubbed Bella’s shoulders. ‘Poor B. It is awful now, I know, but it will get better. I think. It has to, doesn’t it?’ Holly looked for direction from Olivia, who smiled and nodded unconvincingly. ‘Um, will it help if I say something about focusing on the good times? Like, you know, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have—’

      ‘Oh don’t you dare start with that BOLLOCKS!’ Bella cut in. ‘Nothing but propaganda, perpetrated only by the likes of Moon Pig, to sell pointless cards! I can honestly say that I feel so much worse for having been shat on by Sam than I would do if I hadn’t ever met him!’ She was now swaying, having dispensed with any attempts to conceal her level of inebriation.

      ‘Are you calling Alfred Lord Tennyson a liar?’ Holly asked.

      ‘Well surprise me, it was a bloke that said it!’ Bella yelled, ever more irate. ‘And since when is Lord a middle name?’

      ‘OK,’ Holly said, stroking Bella’s hair again. ‘Let’s take some deep breaths now.’

      ‘I’ll bet Alfred didn’t have any useful advice on what to do with the stupid little leftovers you have after a break-up, did he?’ Bella said in between deep breaths. ‘For instance, I have this weird little pack of break-up detritus that I’ve been carrying around all day. It’s basically the contents of my “drawer” at his house. You know, the shit I’d leave at his for when I stayed over.’ She paused for a breath, mid-rant. ‘When I left, I just shoved the lot into my rucksack, and now I don’t know what to do with it all. Do I unpack each and every sad bit of toiletry and make sure I use them one by one? That might make for really sad showers?’

      ‘Can you even say the word toiletries in singular form?’ interjected Olivia, prompting a scowl-ette from Bella.

      ‘Or, do I pack it away and save it until we ever get back together, or until I meet someone else who is ready to give me a drawer again? Is that sick though?’

      ‘Little bit,’ Olivia said.

      ‘Haha,’ snorted Holly, realising something. ‘You’ve got a BOYFRIEND PACK! You beautiful nut-nut!’

      ‘Just throw it all away, surely?’ Olivia said. ‘Buy new stuff. I don’t know why you didn’t just leave it all there!’

      ‘Where is it all? Let me at it!’ Holly said.

      Reluctantly, Bella produced the Boyfriend Pack from within her rucksack. She opened the bag and upturned it so that the contents splayed out all over the floor. Shampoo miniatures, a small travel hairdryer, hairbrush, manicure set and suchlike.

      Holly dived in to claim some of the miniatures. ‘These will come in handy for the gym!’

      ‘When have you ever been to a gym?’ Olivia said, who had started going to Gym Box every morning at 6 a.m. without fail since moving down to London.

      ‘I’m going to start. This will make me start!’

      ‘I guess I could use that hairdryer if you’re not going to use it,’ Olivia said, grabbing it with both hands.

      Before long, the bag was empty, save some weathered nail-files, and the problem was solved.

      Fuuuuuuuuck, was all Holly could think as she stared at the empty bag. What if she ever broke up with Lawrence? After nearly five years, it would be her life in duplicate. Her Boyfriend Pack would be more than some tiny Dick Whittington pouch; it would probably stretch to three suitcases’ worth.

      ‘So,’ Bella said, turning to Olivia in a bid to deflect the embarrassment away from herself if only momentarily. ‘How are you, Liv? How have you been coping?’

      ‘Yeah, fine. Ross has been in touch a few times over the house stuff. He’s finished buying me out, so it feels good not to be tied together by bricks and mortar anymore! I had to see him the other day, just to give him back a few of his things and sign all the papers. I’d thought it would be good to clear the air a little. But it turned out to be like a kind of exit interview, you know, like when you leave a job? He kept telling me all the things I could have done better!’

      ‘I hope you made sure you gave him ample “360 degree feedback” in return,’ Holly said.

      ‘Oh I did! I can’t help still missing him a bit though. You know, there are just so many reminders of him everywhere I go. Ridiculous things! Like, a pop-up online advert turned up in my face the other day, for this anti-virus software he used to go on about. It reminded me of how I used to СКАЧАТЬ