Happy Kids & Happy Mealtimes: The complete guide to raising contented children. Cathy Glass

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      It works like this. You want a child to do something which you think is going to be an issue, as it has been an issue in the past, so you offer two alternatives which lead to the same result – i.e. the child does as you want.

      Let’s say you want Tom to clear up his toys, which are littering the entire downstairs of the house. Tom has had a great time playing, but you know from previous experience that he is less enthusiastic about clearing up and likely to refuse, ignore you or throw a wobbler. Now is a good time to use the closed choice. Instead of simply saying, ‘Tom, put your toys away, please,’ you say, ‘Tom, it’s time to put your toys away. Which room do you want to clear up first?’ Rather than refusing, Tom will find the answer (the decision as to where he wants to begin) already on his lips – ‘This room first.’

      Or say Claire needs to put on her shoes, because you are going out, but you know from past experience that Claire doesn’t like wearing her shoes and would rather go barefoot, as she does in the house. Instead of saying, ‘Claire, we’re going out shortly, so put on your shoes, please,’ and then bracing yourself for a tantrum, try instead: ‘Claire, we are going out soon. Here are your shoes. Which one would you like to put on first – left or right?’ You say this positively, while offering her the two shoes. Claire will already be taking the shoe she has chosen to put on first without realising she is completing your Request.

      The closed choice works with children of all ages, right through to teenagers, although obviously the situation and choice offered varies. For a teenager there might be issues surrounding keeping their bedroom tidy (untidy bedrooms are synonymous with teenagers). So instead of ‘Tom, can you clear up your room now, please?’ which is likely to be ignored or at best acknowledged with a grunt and no movement to tidy, try: ‘Tom, do you want to clear up your room before you have your shower or after?’ Tom now has to make a decision, and both options result in some tidying of his bedroom.

      If Tom or Claire says ‘Neither’ in answer to your closed-choice question (more likely in the older, teenage Tom than the younger Tom), then see it through with the 3Rs. Begin with a Request that is also a closed choice – ‘Tom, your bedroom needs tidying. Do you want to tidy it before or after your shower?’ If Tom says ‘Neither’, then Repeat, and Reaffirm with a warning of the sanction for not complying. With the teenage Tom, who likes MSN-ing his friends in the evening, the sanction might be that the computer doesn’t go on until he has done as you have asked. However, if you have been using the 3Rs for some time Tom will be more likely to do as you have asked without being warned of a sanction. He will know from past experience that you mean what you say, so he might as well comply – if not immediately then within a reasonable time.

      If you have two or more children not cooperating at the same time, as can easily happen in a large family, you can address them both together if they are in the same room. If they are not, address whichever child’s behaviour is causing the greater problem first. Once that child has co-operated, having his or her cooperation will be a good example to the other children and they are more likely to follow suit. Siblings can be catalysts for each other, positive and negative. I will say more about this later in family meetings.

       CHAPTER TWO

       Preschool

      Rising five: 3–5

      Also known as preschoolers, this is the age group of three to five years, when your child’s world is opening even wider, and with it increasing opportunities to explore, question and socialise. Obviously you will still be nurturing your child and tending to his or her needs (and will be for many years to come), but you will also be giving your child more responsibility, including responsibility for his or her behaviour. The conversations you have with your child will have greater depth: you will discuss options and outcomes, and make decisions together. At the same time you will be providing discipline and enjoying your child’s character. Your child’s behaviour will be reflected in the multitude of little choices and decisions he or she is now faced with, each and every day. The guidelines and boundaries you put in place in the previous years, using the 3Rs, will be even more important now, as your child strides towards greater autonomy and independence.

      The preschool child should now be aware of your rules for acceptable behaviour and will already be following many of them without being reminded. However, children of this age are naturally enthusiastic and impetuous, diving into things without the pre-thought or consideration an older child might give. Even the ‘easiest’ and most cooperative child will sometimes surprise/shock a parent with a burst of unacceptable negative behaviour. The child’s world is opening up very quickly, and all manner of things are now possible for the child, which weren’t before, and this can be overwhelming. Your child will need to know more than ever that you are there to guide, advise and reassure, and that you love him or her unreservedly, regardless of how bad his or her behaviour is.

      If your child is already off track and displaying very challenging and demanding behaviour, which leaves you frustrated, sad, angry and dreading the next day, see Chapter 6. Now let’s look at what we can reasonably expect of a child in the three-to-five age range with the average likes, dislikes, needs, demands and negative behaviour.

      Nursery

      Most children at this age will be starting nursery or preschool, and this will expand their world even further. Your child will socialise and interact with his or her peer group on a daily basis and within the structured environment of the nursery. There will be a different routine to the one your child has been familiar with at home, with different adults, in the form of teachers and assistants, standing in your place for a large part of the day. Not only will these adults look and smell different from you, but they will also act differently, and may have different expectations to yours (which your child is used to). Your child will be expected to follow these adults’ instructions and rules, as well as sharing and cooperating with his or her peer group.

      Tom and Claire will need a lot of reassurance, explanation and praise at this time, both from you and the nursery staff, as they slowly integrate into this new and important setting – the next stage in their lives. Don’t underestimate the effect starting nursery or preschool can have on your child. Even a very confident and outward going child may suddenly present with fractious or bad behaviour. Be sensitive to the changes but do not let starting nursery become an excuse for unacceptable behaviour.

      The morning routine

      A good working routine is essential now your child is at nursery, as you will be expected to have your child there on time, washed, dressed and breakfasted, not rushing in late (and irritable) from having been dragged out of bed. Apart from allowing your household to run smoothly, routine gives your child security and reassurance, and reduces confrontation. If Tom knows he has to be up and dressed at a certain time every morning, or have his bath at 7.00 p.m. every evening, then he will be expecting it, and be less likely to put up resistance.

      I am talking here not about a dogmatic and inflexible routine, such as that which some child-rearing gurus enforce on a child right from babyhood, but a sensible working routine that accommodates all family members and allows the household to run smoothly. Obviously always allow plenty of time in the morning for the things you have to do before you leave the house. Leaving in a last-minute dash will find you stressed, short on patience, and with frustration and confrontation setting in when Tom dawdles. The morning routine you develop now will continue with some modification when your child starts school.

      Use the 3Rs to put your routine in place. For example: Tom has to get up and dressed in the morning ready for nursery, but getting ready at a set time can often cause СКАЧАТЬ