Happy Kids & Happy Mealtimes: The complete guide to raising contented children. Cathy Glass

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СКАЧАТЬ rules are put in place now it becomes a lot, lot easier when the child is older.

      Rewards

      You can add a reward for later, but don’t bribe: it weakens your position. Never say, ‘If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets,’ because I guarantee that the next time you go shopping the child’s behaviour will be even worse. Children are not daft, and if a tantrum brings sweets then a tantrum he or she will have. I have fostered children who have actually said, ‘If you don’t buy me that I’ll scream.’ Such blackmail is inappropriate control, and had I given in it would have been an open invitation for the child to behave the same way next time, probably upping the stakes with a bigger demand. What you can say, by way of a reward is, ‘Claire, you are staying in the pushchair until we leave the supermarket, and then we could go to the park.’ But only if going to the park fits in with your plans and you can keep your promise.

      If you offer a reward or incentive for completing some good behaviour, then make sure you give the reward. A broken promise or unkept incentive is worse than no reward at all. Not only will the child begin to distrust what you say, so that any further offer of an incentive will be met with scepticism and doubt (and make the incentive worthless), but the child will see the unfairness in the broken promise. Children of all ages base much of their moral code on fairness, and will often take any unfairness very personally, more so than adults.

      I often foster older children with serious behavioural difficulties or ‘challenging behaviour’, as it’s sometimes euphemistically called. With these children comes years of unruly, demanding and anti-social behaviour that has to be unlearned before there is any improvement. I am guaranteed full-scale tantrums in public places in the early days when the child doesn’t get everything he or she wants. And if you thought a two-year-old had a good set of lungs, you want to hear a nine-year-old in full flight! Assured of getting his or her own way from years of learned negative behaviour, the child lies in the middle of the supermarket aisle and screams insults and abuse, while thrashing his or her limbs for full effect. It’s a show-stopper, believe me. I have to remain calm and wait for it to pass, talking to the child, Reassuring and Reaffirming when they pause for breath. The 3Rs works whatever the child’s age, although it can take longer to change negative behaviour permanently with the older child where the behaviour has become ingrained.

      One foster carer I know employed a different strategy when the child she was looking after erupted for the umpteenth time in the middle of a busy store, and turned the tables. Instead of cringing with embarrassment and trying to hide behind the water melons, which is very tempting, she called attention to the child by inviting the onlookers to have a closer look – ‘Come and see. Shane is having another tantrum,’ she announced in a loud voice to those staring. ‘I think he’s a bit old for that!’ The child was so surprised and embarrassed by the attention (which was less welcome after his carer’s comments) that he immediately got up from the floor, quietly, and never did it again. I’m not recommending this as a strategy for managing tantrums, but it is a neat example of how reverse psychology can work.

      The example of toddler Claire and the pushchair shows how the 3Rs technique works when a child is refusing to do something that you have reasonably Requested. The technique is used in exactly the same way if you want a child to stop doing something.

      If toddler Tom is busy running his toy lorry over the coffee table, where it’s likely to scratch the polished surface, you Request, ‘Tom, please use the floor/playmat as a road for your lorry. The metal wheels will scratch the coffee table.’ If Tom doesn’t stop, you Repeat the Request, guiding him and the lorry to the floor or playmat, and praise him – ‘Good boy’. If he returns the lorry to the table, then Repeat the Request, this time stating the consequences – ‘Tom, play with the lorry on the floor, please, where I have shown you. Otherwise I will have to put the lorry away for now.’ If Tom defies you and continues to run the lorry over the table, then gently (don’t snatch) take the toy away from him for a set period of time, telling him what you are doing and why – ‘Tom, I asked you to play with the lorry on the floor and you didn’t. I’m now putting the lorry away for ten minutes. Then you can have it back to play with on the floor.’

      When you return the lorry, ten minutes later, place it on the floor where Tom should be playing, and praise him – ‘Good boy, play with the lorry on the floor.’ The likelihood is that Tom will now do as you have asked, depending on whether you have seen through your Request before. If Tom defiantly returns the lorry to the table, then make another Request, with the consequences – ‘Tom, I have asked you to play with your lorry on the floor, and if you don’t, I’ll put the lorry away for longer.’ If he continues, then take the lorry away for thirty minutes.

      When you return it, put it on the floor where he should play and Reaffirm – ‘Good boy, play with it there.’ Assume he will do as asked; don’t wait around expecting to be challenged. If Tom still defies you, then put away the lorry for the rest of the morning or afternoon – ‘Tom, I think it’s better for you to play with something else today.’

      When you return it, assume he will do as asked, so that you are starting with a clean slate. If he does return the lorry to the table, then take it away for the rest of the day and the following day return it quietly to the toy box so that it doesn’t become an issue. When Tom rediscovers the lorry the incident of the previous day will be a thing of the past – for both of you.

      Be consistent

      The boundaries and rules you put in place must be clear and consistent. It is pointless not allowing Tom to play with his lorry on the table one day and then allowing it another day. Children can have very long memories, and will quickly spot inconsistencies or injustice – ‘But you let me do it yesterday’ – and I’m afraid no justification on your part will make up for the obvious: that mum’s rules are pliable and therefore can be bent. And don’t let your child manipulate you – ‘Can I have my lorry on the table if I don’t move the wheels?’ You have made the decision, which is based on your experience that it is inadvisable, so the answer is ‘No’.

      You can compromise, but only if it is an acceptable compromise to you, and one that you allowed from the start – ‘You can play with the lorry on the table, but I’ll put a cloth on the table first so it won’t get scratched.’ At this age children are learning all about compromise through sharing their toys with others, and compromise is an essential lesson for later life. But again, be consistent. If it is OK for Tom to play on the table covered with a cloth one day, then that is always the case.

      Some techniques

      Before we look at the next phase in a child’s development, I want to pause to look at some general strategies and observations which apply to managing children of all ages. Some of what follows may be obvious, and you may already be aware of, or using, the approach; other points will give you an insight into a new (or improved) way of guiding your child into a happy, confident and well-behaved individual.

      Positive rather than negative

      Always take a positive view, and assume that good behaviour in your child is the norm. Start each day afresh and do not hang on to past grievances. Children quickly move on and forget their bad behaviour. They want your praise for doing what is right, so they won’t dwell on instances when they didn’t get it right, and neither should you.

      You, as the parent, need to set the example, the base line, when it comes to assuming positive behaviour. If your child misbehaves, act surprised – ‘Good heavens, Tom! You know you don’t do that.’ And if Tom persists in misbehaving, then employ the 3Rs – Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. You can refer to a previous negative incident if Tom is repeating an act that you have already dealt with, but don’t labour the point – ‘Tom, I told you yesterday why you mustn’t run your lorry over the coffee table. Play with it on the floor. Good boy.’ Tom will more than likely СКАЧАТЬ