Your First Grandchild: Useful, touching and hilarious guide for first-time grandparents. Paul Greenwood

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       I’ve made up a new name for you, Gran! I’m going to call you ‘Old Bones’.

      Harry: When I grow up I’m going to marry Grandpa.

      Mum: I’m afraid you can’t do that, Harry.

      Harry: Why not?

      Mum: Because he’s my father.

      Harry: Well, you married my father!

      Joe: You’re never going to die, are you Grandma?

      Gran: (Gently breaking the bad news.) Well, I might have to some day, you know, Joe.

      Joe: Oh well, could you do it when I’m at school?

      Gran: (Showing granddaughter photo of herself at twenty)

      Who do you think that is, Anna?

      Anna: Don’t know.

      Gran: (Disappointed) It’s me when I was young.

      Anna: You’re still young, Gran.

       I love my Gran and Grandpa because they are nice and soft to cuddle, and Gran has holes in her ears, and Grandpa has hairs in his nose and they sleep a lot.

       My bed is beside my Grandad’s and he holds my hand while I go to sleep.

       When we arrive at my Nan’s house, she always says, ‘Mercy, it’s the invasion!’

       Park there, Grandpa. Look, no bloody yellow lines.

       Nan, I dreamt that you were flying about in the air, holding a cup of tea.

      Grandpa: Why are you crying, Tom?

      Tom: I’m sad for my baby sister.

      Grandpa: Why?

      Tom: ‘Cos she’s bald like you, Grandpa, and she’s a girl!

      It was said of the novelist, Sir Hugh Walpole, that he did not speak at all until he was three and a half years old, by which time his family had almost given up hope and feared for his mental capabilities. One day, his grandmother accidentally scalded him on the hand whilst pouring tea. The boy was brave about it but was obviously in some pain. After a time his grandmother asked him if he was feeling any better. Out came little Hugh’s first words ever … ‘Thank you, Grandmama, the agony has somewhat abated.’

      Contents

       Cover Page

       Title Page

       Excerpt

Introduction

1 I Can’t Be a Grandparent: The Announcement

2 Only 230 Knitting Days: The Pregnancy and Birth

3 Rather You Than Me: The Immediate Postnatal Period

       4 Here We Go Again: Baby Takes Over

       5 The Techno Babe: Gizmos, Gadgets and What Not To Do with Them

       6 They’re Wonderful Parents, But … What Grandparents Really Think

       7 They’re Wonderful Grandparents, But … What Parents Really Think

       8 Discipline: Showing Who’s Boss

       9 Eating: Crisps, Chips and Chocolate!

       10 The Night Shift: But I’m Not Tired …

       11 I’ve Never Seen Her in It: Children’s Clothes

       12 Bottom Bits: ‘Darling, She’s Done a Poo …’

       13 Developing Potential: Bringing Out the Best

       Practical Matters: Safety in the Home

       Index

       Copyright

       About the Publisher