The Complete Short Stories: The 1950s. Brian Aldiss

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СКАЧАТЬ If only I knew – my leg, you blue swine!

      That picture …

       Well done! I’m really sorry to rouse you so early, but it’s vital.

      Praise for me, warm feelings. Good. Better than being alone in the universe.

       That’s a great step forward, son. I can almost realise how the Creator felt, when you say that.

      Non-comprehension.

       Sorry, my fault; let the thought slip by. Must be careful. You were going to ask me about the picture I sent you. Shall I send again?

      Only a little at once. Curious. Shape, colour, beauty. Is that the real universe?

       That was just Earth I showed you, where I was born, where I hope you will be born.

      Non-comprehension. Show again … shapes, tones, scents … Ah, this time not so strange. Different?

       Yes, a different picture. Many pictures of Earth. Look.

      Ah … Better than my darkness … I know only my darkness, sweet and warm, yet I seem to remember those – trees.

       That’s a race memory, son. Your faculties are beginning to work, now.

      More beautiful pictures please.

       We cannot waste too long on the pictures. I’ve got a lot to tell you before you get out of range. These blue devils –

      Why do you cease sending so abruptly? Hello? … Nothing. Father? … Nothing. Was there ever anything, or have I been alone and dreaming?

      Nothing in all my universe but the throbbing. Is someone here with me? No, no answer. I must ask the voice, if the voice comes back. Now I must mmmm. Am no longer content as I was before. Strange feelings. … I want more pictures; I want … to …

      Mmmm.

      Dreaming myself to be a fish, fin-tailed, flickering through deep, still water. All is green and warm and without menace, and I swim forever with assurance … And then the water splits into lashing cords and plunges down, down, down a sunlit cliff. I fight to turn back, carried forward, fighting to return to the deep, sure dark –

       – if you want to save yourself! Wake if you want to save yourself! I can’t hold out much longer. Another few days across these mountains –

      Go away! Leave me to myself. I can have nothing to do with you.

       You must try and understand! I know it’s agony for you, but you must stir yourself and take in what I say. It is imperative.

      Nothing is imperative here. And now my mind seems to clear. Yes! I exist in the darkness where formerly there was nothing. Yes, there are imperatives; that I can recognise. Father?

       What are you trying to say?

      Confused. Understanding better, trying harder, but so confused.

       Do not worry about that. It is your twin sister. The Pollux II hospital diagnosed twins, one boy and one girl.

      So many concepts I cannot grasp. I should despair but for curiosity prodding me on. I’m one of a pair?

       There you have it. That is a little girl lying next to you: you can hear her heart beating. Your mother –

      Stop, Stop! Too much to understand at once. Must think to myself about this.

       Keep calm. There is something you must do for me – for us all. If you do that, there is no danger.

      Tell me quickly.

       As yet it is too difficult. In a few days you will be ready – if I can hang on that long.

      Why is it difficult?

       Only because you are small.

      Where are you?

       I am on a world like Earth which is ninety light-years from Earth and getting farther from you even as we communicate together.

      Why? How? Don’t understand. So much is now beyond my understanding; before you came everything was peaceful and dim.

       Lie quiet and don’t fret, son. You’re doing well; you take the points quickly, you’ll reach Earth yet. You are travelling toward Earth in a spaceship which left Mirone, planet where I am, sixteen days ago.

      Send that picture of a spaceship again.

       Coming up …

      It is a kind of enclosure for us all. That idea I can more or less grasp, but you don’t explain distances to me satisfactorily.

       These are big distances, what we call light-years. I can’t explain them for you properly because a human mind ever really grasps them.

      Then they don’t exist.

       Unfortunately they exist all right. But they are only comprehensible as mathematical concepts. OHHH! My leg …

      Why are you stopping? I remember you suddenly stopped before. You send a horrible pain thought, then you are gone. Answer.

       Wait a minute.

      I can hardly hear you. Now I am interested, why do you not continue? Are you there?

       … this is all beyond me. We’re all finished. Judy, my love, if only I could reach you …

      Who are you talking to? This is frustrating. You are so faint and your message so blurred.

       Call you when I can …

      Fear and pain. Only symbols from his mind to mine, yet they have an uncomfortable meaning of their own – something elusive. Perhaps another race memory.

      My own memory is not good. Unused. I must train it. Something he said eludes me; I must try and remember it. Yet why should I bother? None of it really concerns me, I am safe here, safe forever in this darkness. This whole thing is imagination. I am talking to myself. Wait! I can feel projections coming back again. Do not trouble to listen. Curious.

       … gangrene, without doubt. Shall be dead before these blue devils get me to their village. So much Judy and I planned to do …

       Are you listening, son?

      No, no.

       Listen carefully while I give you instructions.

      Have something to ask you.

       Please save it. The connection between us is growing attenuated; soon we will be out of mind range.

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