This Isn’t the Sort of Thing That Happens to Someone Like You. Jon McGregor
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Название: This Isn’t the Sort of Thing That Happens to Someone Like You
Автор: Jon McGregor
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Зарубежный юмор
isbn: 9780008218669
isbn:
He’d definitely be coming back for some answers. There wasn’t any doubt about that. Just as soon as he’d sorted out this current situation. They didn’t need to worry about that, any of them. He’d be coming back, and someone was going to be asked, in no uncertain terms, to explain.
Scampton
On the long drive back from the funeral, they took the grandfather to see the airfield where he’d been stationed during the war. They thought this was something he might like to do. They parked on a grass verge beside one of the exit gates in the perimeter fence, and helped the grandfather from the car. The ground was so flat it was difficult to see anything at all. It seemed to curve away from them. They looked at him looking through the fence. The wind was blowing in from the east, and the long grass near the fence dipped and swayed with a sound like a low shush. They looked at him looking at the runway and the hangars and the other low buildings in the distance. They couldn’t really see much from where they were. They waited for him to tell them something, but he seemed at a loss. He lifted a finger, as though to point something out, and withdrew it. They walked along the verge for a short distance. The grandfather wasn’t much inclined to talk about the place, it seemed. Instead, he talked about living in digs in the next village along, with his new wife and their baby, and about how his wife had only ever been able to walk along the road and back because the fields and woods were too muddy for a pram. The wind picked up. It got colder. They climbed back into the car and drove south.
Later, they learned that the grandfather had worked as an armourer, loading munitions into the heavy bomber aircraft and cleaning out the gun-turrets and bomb-bays when the aircraft returned. The task would at times have involved the removal of bodies and body-parts, but that was never discussed. From this airfield, squadrons had flown out to destroy whole towns; burying households beneath rubble, igniting crematorial fires, busting dams and drowning entire valleys. Some civilians were killed. The war was won.
On their way home, they passed the modern RAF base at Coningsby, driving alongside the perimeter fence for a mile or two before entering the town itself. As they passed the end of the main runway, they saw a small gravelled car-park on the other side of the road, sheltered from the wind on three sides by a thick line of gorse bushes. The car-park was full. People were sitting beside their cars in ones and twos, on folding chairs, with blankets across their knees and thermos flasks cradled in their laps. They had binoculars and long-lensed cameras and notebooks. They were waiting for the modern fighter aircraft stationed at the base to take off and land, so that they could take pictures and make notes and gaze in awe. They were also waiting for something called ‘The Memorial Flight’: a regular display by vintage bomber aircraft. As though vintage was a word which could be used about a bomber plane in the same way it could be used about a car, or a suit, or a set of buttons.
As they drove past, the grandfather turned to look at the people in the car-park. He didn’t say anything. He watched them through the back window. He didn’t say anything as they drove through Coningsby, past the church and over the river and out along the main road to the motorway. He waited until they got back to the house, and as they helped him out of the car he asked just what it was those people with the binoculars had thought they might be waiting to see.
North Ormsby
We were just driving around.
It was late in the evening but it was still light. We’d been out for hours and it was one of those nights when it seemed like basically it was never going to get dark. We hadn’t seen anyone around, and a couple of times when we’d stopped and got out it had been totally quiet, like normal, but we had the music turned up loud in the car and it made things seem sort of hectic or like picturesque? With how far you could see across the fields, and the speed, and the light, and the music? Like when you’re walking around with headphones on and it makes everything seem like a film? Like that. Anyway.
Josh was talking about setting up a business selling handmade snacks. He said he wasn’t going to go to university, he was going to make his fortune straight out of school. His big idea was that you could get these like gourmet snacks made to order, right there in the shop. It would be like the deli-counter of the munchie world, he was saying. He was laughing about it, but he was totally serious, he was laughing because he thought it was so brilliant. Any flavour you want, he was saying, any snack you want! I’ll be a millionaire! He sounded like someone off The Apprentice. He was listing all the snacks he could think of, crisps and pretzels and Bombay mix and popcorn, and what they were all made of, and he was talking about how the economics of it were brilliant. Pennies into pounds, my friends! He kept shouting that. Pennies into pounds! He was shouting because the music was so loud but also because he was so excited about it? I didn’t really get it. Anyway.
Tom wanted to know if this shop was going to be located round here and if so then where did Josh think his customer base was going to come from? It didn’t look like Josh had thought about that. He waved his hand around a bit, meaning: like, around here somewhere? I don’t know yet, he said. There’s people around though, there’s like a widely distributed customer base, yeah? He pointed to a farmhouse over on the right, three or four fields away, and then another one a bit further off, the other side of the river. The lights in the windows were just coming on so it must have been a bit darker by then than it seemed. There you go, he said, that’s two of them right there. Tom said, what, are you going to do it like mobile? A mobile crisp van? Josh leaned over and punched him in the shoulder, and it was sort of a play-punch but he sort of meant it as well. No one said anything for a minute. It was just the music and the sound of the tyres on the road. I wasn’t even sure where we were. I could see the red lights of some television mast or something, and the sky all shadowy blue behind it. We went over a little bridge and it felt like the tyres left the road for a second. I don’t think Josh even knew where we were going. Josh said, don’t take the piss mate. This is serious, this is totally serious. This is going to work, yeah? It’s like, a totally unfulfilled market niche. And I’ll be filling in that niche, big-time.
That got us laughing for a bit, about Josh filling in an unfulfilled niche.
Tom wouldn’t let it go though, he was giving it all the economic model and the population density and the vulnerability of depending on impulse purchases and Josh was all nodding but then he goes Tom mate you don’t get it. You don’t get it. I’m talking about handmade gourmet snack products. Made to order! Like, locally sourced! They’ll come pouring in from every direction! They’ll be queuing up outside! He cut the music and put on this solemn face and a deep voice like from a film trailer and goes: If you fry it, they will come.
That set us off laughing again. The state we were in, it didn’t take much? Plus Josh had this very high-pitched laugh that was pretty infectious, and once he’d got us all СКАЧАТЬ