How To Lose Weight And Alienate People. Ollie Quain

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СКАЧАТЬ I can tell he isn’t joking, and I am not particularly amused either. The anti-congratulatory way in which he refers to my neatly calculated portion control pisses me off. On The City, Allie Crandell’s boyfriend never said anything about her weight, despite her being so waifish she often wafted into scenes like an apparition. I did eat tonight. I had an Atkins bar. Then I did an hour of Jillian Michaels – Body Revolution. Then I had a vanilla Skinny Cow ice-cream.

      ‘I don’t know what you’re so worried about, anyway,’ continues Luke, shrugging. ‘There’s nothing of you. Put on a few kilos and there’d be more of you to do bad things to, which could only be a good thing. Guys like something to grip onto.’

      I nod as if I am taking on board what he is saying. I am not. He’s speaking like a larger lady who is trying to convince herself that she is happy with her size. Next he’ll tell me that Beyoncé is ‘bootylicious’ (read: bottom heavy) or that Jennifer Hudson looked better with ‘more junk in the trunk’ (she didn’t) or that Christina Hendricks’s curves are ‘old Hollywood’ (i.e., not so helpful when getting roles in this century). But I don’t bother repeating any of this. I can feel them – the thoughts from earlier – lining up, ready to start running through my head again.

      ‘Why don’t we go clubbing?’ I suggest. ‘Ask Warren to bung us on the guest-list somewhere. He’ll have some gear too, right?’

      Luke raises an eyebrow at me. ‘You want to get stuck into the speedo?’

      ‘You know I don’t do that any more.’ I may have stopped purely not to hear him say that beyond-irritating expression. ‘But I …’

      ‘… wouldn’t mind doing something to let the wheels come off?’

      Yes, I would like to. Maybe an E, but not because I want the wheels to come off. The opposite. When I occasionally use drugs, it is as a tool to get myself back in control. I see it like this: being yourself and convincing other people of this self is a mental marathon. One that does not have a finish line. The stop watch will never go back to zero. Nor will you be wrapped up in a heavily branded silver foil blanket. There is certainly no medal. It’s a hard slog. So sometimes you need time out from the race. For me, that’s what drugs are about: a reprieve from thinking. It’s a trick. Not a treat.

      ‘Why not?’ I say to Luke, reaching into the bag I brought with me. I get out a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and some beers for Luke (which he will probably ignore in favour of a Dr Pepper). ‘And stop looking at me like that.’

      ‘Why don’t you just tell me what’s the matter? You’ve obviously had a shit day.’

      I prickle, wrong-footed. ‘I haven’t. I simply want to go out and have fun. That’s all.’

      ‘Fair enough, but I can’t stay out late; I’m working in the morning.’

      ‘I thought the whole point of your job was that you didn’t do weekends or overtime.’

      ‘I could do with some extra cash right now.’

      ‘What for? More cables to add to your viper’s nest?’ I huff. ‘Look, I won’t keep you up for hours. Warren has got some Valium’ – another necessary trick – ‘hasn’t he? It’ll knock me out as soon as we get back.’

      ‘You’re really not dressing this up as A Night to Remember.’

      ‘Christ, Luke … live a little.’ I add another huff and untwist the cap on the vodka bottle.

      He huffs back at me, then opens the freezer compartment for a bag of ice and half fills two pint glasses with cubes. I pour at least three measures of Grey Goose into one of the glasses. He reaches into the fridge for a bottle of Dr Pepper. When he turns round I can see his face could be about to crumple.

      ‘Why do you always have to lash out at me like a cut snake?’

      I figure this is not the time to pull him up on his usage of Aussie slang. ‘I don’t mean to.’

      ‘Try harder.’

      ‘I am trying.’

      ‘Yes, you are … very trying.’

      ‘Why do you bother with me, then?’ I nod at my glass. ‘More ice, please.’

      He looks at my glass, then at me, chucks the ice on the table, and gently pushes me back against the fridge. ‘Why do I bother? I wish I didn’t feel I had to. But unluckily for me I find your combination of short temper and long legs extremely attractive.’

      ‘How attractive?’

      ‘On a scale of one to ten?’

      ‘Yep.’

      ‘With one being reasonably do-able if there was no one else around who I fancied the look of and ten being this much?’ He grabs my hand and places it firmly over his crotch. ‘I’d say you’ve got yourself full marks there.’

      So, we don’t go out. Luke keeps me entertained in his bedroom. He entertains me on the floor, in the chair, against the door, by the wardrobe and over the mixing desk – we video that bit. Basically, we do it everywhere except the bed because the frame is about to collapse. You can sleep in it but that’s about it. Bar the rickety bed, Luke has made a real effort to make the room comfier over the past year. Although the floor is still covered in cables, he has filled the shelves with candles (bit corny, I know, but the original ceiling light could have been used to perform laser eye surgery), painted the walls, acquired new bed linen (black to hide my fake tan smudges), stripped the floorboards and covered them with a fluffy rug from Ikea, bought a miniature fridge and kettle so I don’t have to go into the kitchen in the morning, and he’s had the window fixed so it can open and his boyish smells aren’t allowed to fester. He also keeps it pretty spotless. Okay, so it’s still not going to merit the cover feature in Architectural Digest but it’s a world away from the dank, putrid cave that is Warren’s bedroom up the corridor.

      Before we go to sleep, Luke gives me an early birthday present; not clothes, thank God. Hair straighteners. He says they are for me to keep in his bedroom so I don’t need to bring mine over every time I stay. The tongs are made by ghd, but they are the pink ones, which means that a certain amount of the purchase price will go to a breast cancer charity. Typical Luke; reminding me that having hair with a propensity to kink if left to dry naturally is not the most life-threatening condition that can affect a woman. They make me smile, and a few seconds later I find myself telling Luke about Adele’s engagement and asking him if he minds me staying with him for a short while when I move out of her flat. He reacts as a young spaniel might having just been told he is the new quality-control manager in charge of road-testing products at The Squeaky Ball and Throwable Stick Company. He is as ecstatic as it is possible to be without risking further structural damage to the bed … and I have to admit, that as I lie there under the more than adequately togged new duvet but with just the right amount of cool breeze drifting in through the window, I don’t think it’s the worst idea in the world. Just until I get myself sorted, anyway.

       CHAPTER ELEVEN

      ‘Oi oiiiii! Wozza’s in the hoooooooooouse. Time to get the mother-fuckin’ clown car out the rave garage! Vroom СКАЧАТЬ