Another Way to Fall. Amanda Brooke

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ just one thing,’ Emma told him. ‘I’m going to have to move back in with Mum for a while.’

      ‘Maybe that’s for the best. You’ll need a lot of looking after.’

      Emma was tempted to tell him that she wanted him to look after her. She wanted him to be the one to wrap her in his arms and tell her she was going to be alright but she took the easy option. She said nothing.

      ‘We’ll get you through this,’ he added. ‘We’ll all help.’

      ‘I know,’ she said, but she didn’t know at all. It was an automated response to an automated offer and perhaps they both knew it.

      ‘I’d better go,’ Alex said to fill the pause, ‘but we’ll speak soon. Love you, Em.’

      Emma kept the phone to her ear until her link to everyday life was severed and silence returned. She felt drained as she closed her eyes and she didn’t resist when she began to slip towards slumber, freeing her mind to take her on a journey of its own.

      In her dreams she was still sitting in Mr Spelling’s sun-filled office, looking out of the window towards a group of forlorn trees. A handful of bedraggled leaves, silhouetted against the crisp blue sky. Her focus centred on a single leaf that had survived the autumn gales, holding on staunchly to its branch as it prepared to brave the winter frost. Without warning, a vicious gust of wind spun it into the air, where it twirled out of control, leaving sparks of orange and gold as it fluttered in the sunshine. Its descent was inevitable and it came to rest on a pile of leaves whose skeletal remains were being crunched underfoot by passersby who were blissfully unaware of the devastation around them. Emma tried to look away but the vision followed her as she twisted and turned to escape its grasp.

      ‘Emma, are you OK?’ Meg asked as she gently brushed away strands of Emma’s damp hair from her sweaty brow.

      Emma opened her eyes but struggled to emerge from her dream. She felt disorientated and for a moment she was transported back twenty years. She half expected her mum to tell her that she had the flu and wouldn’t be going to school that day.

      ‘I’ll get you some water,’ Meg said when Emma didn’t respond other than to open her mouth to expose dry lips.

      As Meg busied herself pouring water from a jug, Emma’s eyes settled on the window opposite. The afternoon was growing old but there was still enough light left in the day to reveal a thin scattering of autumn leaves clinging to the denuded treetops. Autumn had been her favourite time of year as a child and she had loved stomping through the deep layers of crisp autumn leaves as she collected conkers with her dad. It was only following her diagnosis that she realized there was nothing beautiful about nature’s death throes and she had firmly switched her allegiance to spring, preferring the life that erupted from the depths of winter with a shock of apple blossom.

      She had greeted each spring with a sense of victory but now more than ever, she wondered how many more victory dances she had left. As that thought settled on her mind, she gave up holding back the crushing weight of fear that had been growing for days if not weeks.

      ‘I’m scared, Mum,’ she said, the confession slipping out as easily as the first tear that slid down her cheek. ‘I don’t think I can go through it all again.’

      ‘I’m scared too,’ replied Meg, turning to face Emma, her tears a mirror image of her daughter’s.

      ‘Why me? Why is this happening to me?’ Emma demanded, neither expecting nor wanting an answer. ‘It was bad enough first time around but now, now it’s just so damned unfair.’

      ‘I know,’ Meg said, stepping towards Emma and wrapping her in her arms.

      ‘I thought I’d paid my dues.’ Emma’s voice was muffled as she buried her head within her mother’s embrace. ‘I was almost at the five-year mark, I was almost there. That was meant to be the start of the rest of my life. I was going to look for a better job, maybe even move back to London.’

      ‘I know,’ repeated Meg, her voice raw with emotion. ‘And to think, a month ago I wasn’t happy about the idea of you moving back there. I should be careful what I wish for.’

      ‘There’s so much more I wanted to do,’ Emma whispered as she let her mind dip into the pot of dreams she had once kept sacred. ‘I wanted to do everything, see everything, travel the world.’

      Meg pulled back a little and chanced a look at Emma. She was clearly about to hand out another dose of blind faith but one look from Emma told her not to make promises that could not be kept. ‘We’ll see,’ Meg said.

      There was another desperate hug as Emma and her mum clung to each other. Their bodies shook, muscles contorting and throats constricting as they tried to control their sobs. Emma heard the curtain being pulled around her bed and assumed it was Peter giving them some much-needed privacy. That simple act of kindness only intensified her pain and desperation. Somewhere between muffled gasps for air, she thought she heard her mum whisper, ‘Please don’t break my heart.’ Emma felt the crack in her own heart cut a little deeper. Time ticked by, precious seconds that she knew she shouldn’t waste. Slowly the sobs subsided until Emma was ready to face the world again. She sat up straight and unceremoniously sniffed back the tears until her mum handed her a tissue with an unspoken reproach.

      ‘I suppose I can expect this from now on,’ Emma said. ‘Being mothered.’

      ‘Mothered but not smothered,’ Meg assured her. ‘I know I had no right to interfere and make plans without speaking to you first. You’re not the frightened young woman you were four years ago. You’re old enough and certainly experienced enough not to have me telling you what to do. I promise I’ll give you more space.’

      ‘Easier said than done in your apartment,’ answered Emma as she thought back to the time she had already spent there. Her memories of the place were not pleasant. Meg lived in a modern two-bedroom apartment that overlooked the river Mersey, not far from the city centre. She had bought it after her divorce seven years earlier. At the time, Emma had her own life in London and Louise was away at university – it had been sufficient for her needs, or so she had thought.

      She gave her mum her best impression of a rueful smile but it was forced. ‘So how did Louise take the news?’

      ‘She’s going to do whatever it takes to help,’ Meg answered.

      ‘She’s OK about moving out? She has somewhere to go?’

      ‘It’s all arranged. Ally and Gina will help over the weekend to move your things into the apartment ready for Monday.’

      Emma let her body slump back against her pillows in resignation and as she did so, the corner of her laptop pressed against her thigh, vying for her attention. She was no longer in control of her own destiny and she was desperate to find a way back.

       I ran down the corridor as if the hounds of hell were at my heels, driven by an all consuming desire to get out of the hospital. As I pushed my way through the exit doors, it felt as if I was crossing a finish line. I’d done it. At last I could stop running.

       I came to an abrupt halt as soon as I hit fresh air. The sun had disappeared and the sky was leaden but it couldn’t dim my mood. I looked down at the dog-eared appointment card still clutched in my hand. Its list of dates marked my passage through the hospital corridors over the years and the final entry was today and СКАЧАТЬ