Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits. Dr. Berman Robin

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      It’s hard to cast off the messages of childhood and to silence the voice that is now on automatic replay.

       The way you talk to your kids is the way that they will talk to themselves. You are the voice in your child’s head.

      The effect of shaming words can’t be overstated. You are lazy, you’re selfish, you’re sneaky gets programmed into your offspring’s head and directly into their feelings of self-worth. Whether talking to your toddler, teen, or emerging adult, remember that your words will echo for years—and likely get passed down to your grandkids.

      I recently walked into a basketball practice, and as I stepped one foot into the gym, I heard a mother berating her son: “Move it, you’re so slow. What is wrong with you? What is your problem?”

      I must not have hidden my shock. The mum said, “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t talking to you!”

      I laughed and answered, “Oh, that’s a relief! That’s just how you talk to your son!”

      Someone who screams at her child is not an involved parent but an unenlightened parent. Can you imagine what is already programmed into this nine-year-old boy’s head?

      Parents today are hypervigilant about the wrong things. The value of going to every game is lost when you spend that time tearing down your child. Using harsh words to coach basketball moves is shortsighted. Loving through carefully chosen language pays much bigger psychological dividends. Nothing will line up future success more than having your child internalize a loving and compassionate voice instead of a harsh and punitive one.

       “Would you feed your kids junk food all day long? So don’t feed them junky thoughts.”

      —Family therapist

      This is a tall order, I know. Parenting presents you with so many unpredictable moments that shock you. When we don’t take time to think about how to respond, we revert back to the old way we were parented. Words fly out of our mouths before we have a chance to filter them.

      If it was someone else’s kid on the court throwing the racket, we would not feel as reactive. But with our own child, love makes us irrational, and we go from zero to irate in two seconds. Emotions hijack our best judgment and can lead to a delivery that we are not proud of. It is easy in the heat of the moment to react with anger, shame, or blame.

      The classic example is parents screaming at their kids to calm down. We can either model calmness or we will match their agitation tantrum for tantrum. So breathe, and think, before you speak.

      Think of choosing language as a way of loving your child! Language can unite, or language can divide. Mindful parenting is the ultimate in damage control. Think of how you would have been spared had your parents chosen their words with more care.

      The most stellar parents and teachers I interviewed all understand this essential secret: choosing words with grace is the most underrated tool in creating a strong parent-child bond—or any healthy relationship, really. In order to engage your child’s highest self, you have to talk to his or her highest self.

       “If I can’t reach my child, I need to approach them with more care and different words.”

      —Judy Mansfield, teacher

       “When emotions are charged, and a child is frustrated, and when real learning is at a premium, words should be highly choreographed.”

      —College coach

      If words are choreography, delivery is music. And if the volume is turned too high, kids will just tune out.

       “When my mum screams so loud, I can never hear her words, only the screaming. First I feel scared, then sad. ... Sometimes I wish that I had a different mum.”

      —Tales from the couch

      Rage and punishment may control behavior in the short run. Kids who are scared of their parents might appear submissive and even well behaved. But I assure you that intimidation as a means of control chips away at the foundation of the child’s self-esteem and paves the way for defenses to be built. The child’s real self goes underground. My job as a psychiatrist is to chisel away at those defenses and re-parent in a safer way.

      So please help put me out of business. Let’s not fire the verbal arrows that make our kids build walls around their hearts. Instead of unleashing sharp words, try to keep them to yourself. We have an opportunity in each moment to give or to take, to add or subtract to our kids’ lives. Conscious choices with our words can edit a frustrated inner monologue into a more constructive dialogue. Practice filtering your thoughts so you don’t say hurtful words that can’t be taken back.

      In other words, grow the muscles that will let you be reflective, not reflexive. This takes patience, practice, and commitment. But I can assure you it is so worth it. When you are calm and rational, you can set limits with love.

       “When I am on overload and my kids are acting up, I give myself a time-out. I give myself a beat. I tell my girls that I will be right back. I sit on my bed and breathe. I give myself a moment so that I can calm down and feel more balanced.”

      —Stay-at-home dad

      That simple act has a profound effect. Exciting neuroscience research shows that if we parents can model calmness when our emotions are running high, we teach our kids to manage their emotions—what doctors call affect regulation. Affect regulation, in turn, lays down neurological pathways for a more resilient brain. In the prefrontal cortex, the brain governs decision making, attention, problem solving, and judgment. When emotions run high, the brain does not work as well. But if you stop to pause and calm your emotions, rational thought kicks back in. That takes practice to learn, and watching a parent do it helps children learn it, too. The brain is shaped by its experiences. Put simply, if you scream or get agitated at your kids, and your children regularly experience your uncontrolled emotions, then their brains will wire for uncontrolled emotion. But if you can parent calmly, you are literally wiring your child’s brain to be calmer. Thus your parenting has profound implications for your child’s brain development. That’s why it is essential to regulate your own emotions and teach your children to do the same.

      But here is the parenting paradox: you can’t teach what you don’t know. Ah, so this is why they say our children are our greatest teachers. At the heart of good parenting is a lot of self-reflection and self-discipline. If you tend to fly off the handle or be short-tempered or impatient, here is an opportunity for growth.

      Look how everyone evolved in this story. Two brothers were fighting and screaming over Legos. Just when Zach went to grab a piece out of the hand of his brother, Eric, the mum intervened. “Stop that! Stop fighting!” she yelled, frustrated. But then, instead of playing the harried referee, she quieted her tone and remembered a technique used in Montessori schools.

      “Boys, I have an idea,” she whispered. “Let’s have you sit in the peace chair to settle the fight.” She placed two kids’ chairs facing each other. She picked up a giant paintbrush and held it with reverence. “This is the talking peace stick,” she said quietly, as if creating sacred folklore. “When you hold the stick, you may tell your side of the story. Your brother can’t speak while you hold it, he can only listen. Then your brother will get a turn.”

      Seven-year-old СКАЧАТЬ