Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits. Dr. Berman Robin

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СКАЧАТЬ it was five-year-old Zach’s turn. His sobs softened as he began to realize he was going to be heard. “I am making a car and I really, really need the blue Lego, and there are no blue Legos left.”

      So Mum offered the stick back to Eric with a question.

      “I see that you both want the Lego. How do you think you could work it out?”

      Eric thought for a moment and lit up with excitement. “I know, we both can start over and divide up all of the blue, green, yellow, and red pieces from the beginning and start over with exactly the same amount.”

      Eric passed the talking stick to Zach, who managed one sentence through his tears: “I love you, Eric.”

      The mum said to herself, Wow, I’m shocked that actually worked!

      Let’s review what she did right.

      • She calmed her own emotions down—we have to be the lesson before we can teach the lesson.

      • She modeled a gentle tone.

      • She set out clear rules for how to talk to each other.

      • She gave the boys an opportunity to learn conflict resolution by empowering them to work it out themselves. They became more invested in the outcome and active participants in the problem solving.

      And that’s how she transformed a fight about a piece into real peace.

       “Every time you are tempted to react in the same way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”

      —Deepak Chopra

      You are the hero or heroine of this fleeting story called childhood. How do you want to pen the tale?

      Setting Limits with Love

      1. Calm yourself. Check your own composure. Never discipline your child without first disciplining yourself.

      2. Have empathy for your child’s struggle. Be with him, not against him.

      3. Teach and hold the limit with respect. No shame, no blame.

      Time

      In The Gift of an Ordinary Day, the author Katrina Kenison writes about the preciousness of time and how quickly it passes.

      Somehow our treasured family ritual of reading together at bedtime slipped away. No one asked for stories anymore. Baths were replaced by showers. ... Baseballs stopped flying in the backyard. A bedroom door that had always been open, quietly closed. ... I missed my old world and its funny little inhabitants, those great big personalities still housed in small, sweet bodies. I missed my sons’ kissable cheeks and round bellies, their unanswerable questions, their innocent faith, their sudden tears and wild, infectious giggles.

      Soak it up while it is happening because it is gone too soon. Spend time. Make memories. Experience every moment you can. Give that gift to yourself and to your children.

      I once read: “Kids spell love T-I-M-E.” We need to put time into childhood—slow, present time. From a psychiatrist’s standpoint, errors of omission are tough to forgive. Remember Harry Chapin’s song “Cat’s in the Cradle.” It’s hard to shake the memory and pain of absence. How we prioritize our time sends a clear message to our kids about what we value.

       “I can promise you that no social engagement is as important as the one you have with your kids at home.”

      —Bobbi Brown, cosmetics guru

      We can’t farm out parenting to others, or to activities and electronic distractions. Our kids need to feel our real presence in their little lives. You don’t get a pass on this.

       “Parenting cannot be outsourced.”

      —Marc Weissbluth, MD, pediatrician and author

      On the first day of elementary school, Ray Michaud, a principal for thirty-six years, begins his speech to the parents: “As much as possible, clear your calendar. These are special, formative years; these are the years your kids want to be with you. Trust me; you won’t want to miss them, they don’t come back.”

      These are the years when your kids ask for one more bedtime story, for one more moment of watching them color, for you to stay in their room and snuggle one minute longer. Do.

       “So here are the things I do ... things that don’t come naturally to me ... things I could easily take a pass on, but I don’t. I do these things—not because I enjoy them—but because someone very important to me does....

       “I watch her lip-synch Taylor Swift music videos—not because I like to hear ‘We are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ ten bazillion times—but because the facial expressions she makes are indescribable, and I want to remember them when I am eighty years old.”

      —Rachel Macy Stafford, handsfreemama.com

      In interview after interview, parents talked about how spending time makes their children feel so loved. People carry with them always the small, daily acts of love. A few extras go a long way, too.

       “I was a single mum, exhausted, working full-time and raising my two kids. It was a cold winter’s night, and I had just read the story Owl Moon to my daughter.

       “ ‘How come we never go out at night owling?’ she asked.

       “What went through my mind was that I am exhausted and could barely make it through reading a story about owling, let alone go out on a cold winter’s night, but I decided to make a grand mummy gesture. I bundled my kids up in their winter clothes and took them in the car to chase the moon. We drove about twenty minutes until we found an open field and parked. We sat in the car, staring at the moon.

       “I will never forget the feeling of being with my kids, bundled up together and gazing at the starry sky. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more nights chasing the moon.”

      —Mother of two

The Parenting Pendulum
Old School	Today’s Trends	New Middle
Punitive dictator	Anarchy/kids rule	Benevolent leader
Harsh discipline	No discipline	Calm, clear, loving limits
Neglect	Hovering	Secure attachment
Naughty chair	Time-out СКАЧАТЬ В начало < 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 > В конец