The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five. Martha Sears

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СКАЧАТЬ have a child like Hayden. Instead, we looked for support from people who truly understood our child and our parenting style.

what to call her

      Hayden didn’t fit any of the usual labels. She really wasn’t a “fussy” baby, as long as we held her and attended to her needs. “Demanding”, was just another way of saying, “spoiled”. She wasn’t “colicky”, since she didn’t seem to be in pain. Nor did the tag “difficult” ring true; some may beg to differ, but we were finding that holding and being near a baby to whom we were becoming so attached was not all that difficult. Besides, these labels were too negative for this little person who seemed to know so positively what she needed and how to get it. It wasn’t until five years later, after talking with other parents of babies who also needed to feed so often, needed to be held a lot, needed human contact at night, that the term “high-need child” came to us. It best describes the kind of baby Hayden was and the level of parenting she needed.

      In my paediatric practice, I discovered that the term “high-need child” was P.C. – psychologically correct. By the time drained parents came to me for counselling about their demanding baby, they had already been on the receiving end of a barrage of negatives: “You hold her too much.” “It must be your milk.” “She’s controlling you.” All this advice left parents with the underlying message of “bad baby because of bad parenting”. They felt it was somehow their fault their baby acted this way. As soon as I offered the description “high-need child”, I could see a look of relief on the faces of the parents. Finally, someone had something nice to say about their baby. “High-need” sounds special, intelligent, unique, and it shifts the focus to the baby’s personality, relieving parents from the guilt of believing that their baby acts this way because of their parenting. Further, “high-need” suggests that there is something parents can do to help this baby. It underscores the idea that these babies simply need more: more touch, more understanding, more sensitivity, more creative parenting.

      lesson

       Redefining our baby in more positive terms helped us focus on her exciting qualities rather than her inconvenient ones.

our high-need child grew and changed

      Needs change, but with Hayden her need level remained high. Hayden became a high-need toddler, then a high-need child, and we now tease her about being a “high-cost” teen. Her needs did not decrease as she grew; they merely changed (and so did our responses!)

      Since as a baby Hayden did not willingly accept substitute care, we started something new in our town – we took our baby with us. With three older children, we had a lot of school meetings and events to attend, plus social gatherings with friends and hospital colleagues, sailing outings, church services, and so on. Everyone got used to seeing the three of us there.

      Because she was breast-feeding, Martha could easily keep Hayden quiet when it was necessary. Usually, because her needs were satisfied, she was a joy to have around. No one objected to her presence. If it was obviously a “no kids” thing, we just didn’t go.

      We thought things would change when Hayden became a toddler, but we were definitely still in attachment-parenting training. We discovered that Hayden could sometimes be left with our thirteen-year-old, Jim, for short times, because she was attached to him. But it didn’t always work. We’d sometimes get called home when Jim’s magic wore off too quickly. Hayden knew her level of tolerance for separation, and we learned not to exceed it.

      One of our more vivid memories is that of frantic two-year-old Hayden running after us as we drove away. We stopped, even though we could see that Jim was right behind her, and reassessed our plans to go out alone. As we comforted her, listening carefully to her words and her expressions, we saw that her need to stay with us this time was much greater than our need to leave her behind. It was not hard for us to switch gears. Because of the way Hayden was able to communicate, we did not feel manipulated. The three of us set out together, feeling good about the way that we listened and were heard.

      Yes, we occasionally felt a touch of doubt. “Are we creating an eternally dependent child who will never wean from us?” It’s easy to feel that way, because you can see only a short distance into the future. Yet deep down we knew that what we were doing was right. We understood why at age two she couldn’t stay in the nursery at church without one of us with her. When she still wouldn’t at age three, we were embarrassed. Then, lo and behold, at three and a half she happily waved good-bye and didn’t look back as she hurried off to her Sunday school class. What a relief to see her find her wings and experience church as a secure place to be because we had not forced her to be independent before she was ready. Hayden weaned from the breast at four years and from our bed at four and a half, when baby sister Erin arrived. (Of course, we shared these milestones with only a few, select friends. Most assumed Hayden had crossed those bridges long ago.)

      attachment parenting

       Throughout this book you will read the term “attachment parenting”. This is the parenting style that we began to learn with our first high-need baby and one that has proven to be a valuable management tool for high-need babies whose parents we have counselled. Attachment parenting is a high-touch, highly responsive way of caring for your baby that helps you feel close to your baby and your baby feel close to you. Consequently, your baby is able to cue his needs better and you are more intuitively able to read his cues and needs. It helps you and your baby get connected and helps you enjoy one another more. Actually, attachment parenting is not just for high-need babies. All babies need a higher level of attachment than our culture generally recognizes.

       This style of parenting gets you and your baby off to the right start. By breast-feeding, carrying your baby a lot in a sling, and giving a nurturant response to your baby’s cries, you gradually feel more comfortable and competent at baby care and more open to refining your style of parenting until you find what works best for you and your baby, without the fear of spoiling or being manipulated.

       Attachment parenting is not an indulgent, unstructured, permissive style of childcare. On the contrary, it teaches parents how to respond appropriately to their child’s needs, which includes knowing when to say no to the child and helping the child learn to manage her own needs. Attachment parenting begins with giving the infant roots, then helps her develop the wings to become independent, and ultimately gives her the tools to become a solid and secure person.

      lesson

       Hayden not only had higher needs, but they lasted longer.

her discipline needs were higher

      We had been used to three compliant kids. When we held their hands, they turned in the direction we wished. With Hayden, we knew compliance would not come easily. Our earliest clue was her body language. Whenever we tried to redirect her impulse, her whole body would stiffen in resistance. We tried to turn her toward a safer activity; she turned toward the street. She was trying on her power. Back to the drawing board for discipline. As Hayden grew, it remained clear that we couldn’t force our control over her – and should not try to. We needed to consider Hayden’s sensitivity in disciplining her. This became more obvious СКАЧАТЬ