The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five. Martha Sears

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ

how we felt

      If Hayden had been our first child, we would have concluded that it was our fault she couldn’t settle herself, since we were inexperienced parents. But she was our fourth child, and by this time we felt we had a handle on caring for children. Nevertheless, Hayden did cause us to doubt our parenting abilities. Our confidence was getting shaky as our energy reserves were nearing empty. Our feelings about Hayden were as erratic as her behaviour. Some days we were empathetic and nurturing; other days we were exhausted, confused, and resentful of her constant demands. Such mixed feelings were foreign to us, especially after parenting three easily managed babies. Soon it became obvious that Hayden was a different kind of baby. She was wired differently from other babies.

      lesson

       It wasn’t our fault. Hayden fussed because of her temperament, not because of our parenting abilities.

      The challenge for us was to figure out how to mother and father this unique little person while also conserving enough energy for our other three children – and ourselves.

      Our first obstacle to overcome was our professional past. We were educated in the fifties and sixties, so we were victims of the prevailing parenting mind-set of those times – fear of spoiling. We entered parenthood believing it was mandatory to control our children lest they control us. And there was that horrible fear of being manipulated. Were we losing control? Was Hayden manipulating us? We consulted books, a useless exercise. No baby book contained a chapter on Hayden. And the mostly male authors were either beyond child-rearing age or seemed far removed from the trenches of everyday baby tending. Yet here we were, two experienced adults, whose lives were being taken over by a ten-pound infant.

      

      Hayden opened us up as people. The turning point came when we closed the baby books and opened our hearts to our child. Instead of defensively getting caught up in the fear of spoiling, we started listening to what Hayden had been trying to tell us from the moment she exited the womb. As soon as we discarded our preconceived ideas of how babies are supposed to be and accepted the reality of how Hayden was, we all got along much better.

      If she fussed when we put her down but was content when we held her, we would hold her. If she needed to feed a lot, Martha would feed her. We believed Hayden knew what she needed, and fortunately she had the persistence to keep telling us until we understood.

      lesson

       Hayden’s persistent personality forced us to keep working at a parenting style until we found what worked.

      Hayden taught us that tiny babies don’t manipulate, they communicate. A child psychologist friend who was visiting us was interested in Hayden’s cry. She was impressed that the cry was not an angry, demanding one but rather an expectant one, as if Hayden knew she would be heard.

      Hayden caused us to re-evaluate our job description as parents. We had always thought an effective parent needed to be in constant control. Then we realized that mind-set was self-defeating. It assumes that there is an adversarial relationship between parent and child: the baby is “out to get you”, so you better get her first. Hayden made us realize our role was not to control her. It was to manage her, and to help her learn to control herself.

      What helped us get over the fear-of-spoiling and the fear-of-being-manipulated mind-set was the realization that it was better to err on the side of being over-reactive and over-responsive. As we worked on developing a balance of appropriate responses, there were times when we responded too slowly and times when we jumped too quickly, but we felt that when in doubt, it was better to be responsive. Children who are perhaps indulged a bit (as many firstborn high-need children are) will at least develop a healthy self-image and trust in their parents. With this foundation it is easier to back off a bit as you try to create a healthy balance between parents’ needs and child’s. The child of parents who respond too little develops a poor self-image, and a distance develops between parent and child. This situation is harder to remedy. I have never heard parents in my paediatric practice say that they wish they hadn’t held their baby so much. In fact, most, if able to rewind their parenting tape, would hold their baby more.

      lesson

       When in doubt, we listened and responded to her cries. She was trying to tell us something.

      We also considered one of the earliest teachings that Martha had learned as a nurse and I had learned as a physician: first, do no harm (primum non nocere). We decided that if we tried to squelch Hayden’s personality, we would be doing her harm and crippling her development. Our job as parents was not to change Hayden into a behavioural clone of every other baby. It would have been wrong to try to change her. (How dull the world would be if all babies acted the same!) It was better to widen our expectations and accept her the way she was, not the way we wished she was. Our parental role was like that of a gardener: we couldn’t change the colour of the flower or the day when it would bloom, but we could pull the weeds and prune the plant so it blossomed more beautifully. Our role was to channel Hayden’s behaviour and nurture her special qualities so that instead of being a liability, these temperament traits would later work to her advantage and serve her well.

      lesson

       Our job was to accept Hayden’s unique personality, appreciate her special traits, and channel them into behaviour that would work for her, and for the family. It was not to change her for our own convenience.

      Sleep, or rather the lack of it, became a major problem. Actually, for the first six months Hayden slept quite well, waking once or twice at night to be fed. She slept in a cradle right next to our bed, and when she stirred, Martha would nudge the cradle into motion or pat her. Unless she was hungry, she’d settle right back to sleep. Then Hayden learned to sit up, and the cradle was no longer safe. We replaced it with a cot up against the wall about twelve feet from our bed. Somehow she knew that was too far away, or maybe it was that the cot couldn’t be nudged to rock. She woke more and more, until one night she was awake every hour. Martha said, “I don’t care what the books say, I’ve got to get some sleep.” Whereupon she nestled Hayden next to her in our bed. Once we discarded the picture of a self-soothing baby sleeping solo in a cot, we slept together happily.

      lesson

       Hayden was not a standard baby, and standard baby advice wouldn’t work. Once we regarded her not as a behaviour problem to be fixed but as a personality to be nurtured, living with her became easier.

      We found we had to be selective in choosing people with whom to commiserate. When we discussed our parenting dilemmas with friends, we came away feeling as if Hayden were the only baby in the whole wide world who couldn’t satisfy herself during the day or settle herself at night. We concluded that no one could understand a baby like Hayden unless they’d had a baby like Hayden. Eventually, Martha found some like-minded mothers and surrounded herself with supportive friends. One of these women was a La Leche League leader who had recently moved to our community. A La Leche League group was started, and the mothers who came to the meetings gave and received valuable support.

      lesson

СКАЧАТЬ