The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five. Martha Sears

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СКАЧАТЬ Hayden needed, Martha discovered. Yet how could this be? She spent two weeks charting Hayden’s feeding habits in an effort to see what sort of schedule she had. At the end of the two weeks she looked at the chart and concluded that this baby simply didn’t have a schedule. That’s when Martha adopted the slogan “go with the flow”.

      Expect baby’s need to nurse to intensify during high-need days when baby will naturally gravitate toward her favourite pacifier and person, which to a breast-fed baby is one and the same. Yes, you will feel like a human dummy or “pacifier”, because you are. Yet, consider that “pacifier” means “peacemaker”. Certainly this is the ultimate goal of parenting the high-need baby: to give this growing infant an internal peace during those tumultuous months after birth, when baby is learning to settle into life; this will help her learn to create inner peace on her own.

      

       Nursing is a wonderful time-out when we are both wearing thin. It alleviates a tightened clash of the wills and provides a calm and loving oasis where we are both refreshed. I am always grateful for prolactin [the breast milk-producing hormone that has a relaxing effect on mother].

      Not only do high-need babies breast-feed more frequently, the need for breast-feeding lasts longer. These babies are notoriously slow to wean. They realize that they have a good thing going and that it would be foolish to give it up quickly. It is not unusual for high-need babies (unless forced to wean before their time) to breast-feed at least two years. (See weaning, pages 150–1, for how extended feeding benefits mother and child.)

demanding

      High-need babies don’t merely request feeding and holding, they demand it – loudly. This personality trait more than any of the others pushes parents’ buttons, causing them to feel manipulated and controlled. Adults who are stuck in the “parenting equals control” mind-set may have great difficulty realizing that baby’s demands equal communication, not control.

      Mothers of high-need babies often say, “I just can’t get to him fast enough.” These babies convey a sense of urgency in their signals; they do not like waiting, and they do not readily accept alternatives. Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. He will let you know quickly and loudly that you’ve misread his cues. The concept of “delayed gratification” is totally foreign to infants. It must be sensitively and gradually taught when the child is developmentally ready to learn it.

      It may be easier to cope with your baby’s demanding signals if you understand why high-need babies have to be demanding in order to thrive. Suppose baby had high needs but did not have a strong personality to “demand” that these needs get met. Suppose he did not use the kind of persistent cry that ensures a response. This would be a lose-lose situation: baby would not thrive because his needs would not be met, and parents would not get enough practice at cue reading to ever pick up on the baby’s real need level.

      If the child feels that she can trust her caregivers, she will eventually learn to make her demands in a more socially acceptable way, rather than overwhelming the whole care-giving environment. With parents who both respond to and wisely channel her demands, the high-need child develops into a person with determination, one who will fight for her rights. The child becomes a leader instead of a follower, one who does not just follow the path of least resistance and do what everyone else is doing. Certainly, our country needs more such citizens.

      Although being demanding is the trait of high-need children that is most likely to drive parents bananas, it is also the trait that drives children to succeed and excel. A high-need child with a demanding personality will, if nurtured and channelled appropriately during the formative years, exhaust teachers as she did her parents; yet she will also be able to extract from adult resources, such as teachers, the level of help and education she will need to thrive in academic and social endeavours. This is why it is so important not to squelch an infant’s expressiveness. The ability to know one’s needs and be able to express them comfortably is a valuable tool for success in life.

      As the high-need infant grows into a high-need toddler and child, parents must also help her learn that her demands have to be balanced against the needs of others, so that she can learn to be a likable and compassionate person. Helping a demanding infant develop persistence without becoming a controlling person is one of the challenges we will discuss throughout this book.

awakens frequently

      “Why do high-need babies need more of everything but sleep?” groaned a tired mother. You would think that high-need babies would need more sleep; certainly their tired parents do. In Chapter 8 we will explain why high-need children sleep differently, and offer nighttime parenting tips for you and your baby. To remedy your own tired feelings, remember what we said previously about living in the “mother zone”.

      

       I have gradually come to realize that she just doesn’t need to sleep, and I can’t force her to do so. The best thing I can do is to continue to provide a nurturing environment conducive to sleep and realize that she will eventually sleep more and so will I.

      channelling behaviour versus changing behaviour

       Channelling behaviour starts with knowing and accepting the child that you have been given. You use your knowledge of your child’s behaviour to structure your home environment and shape your interactions with your child in such a way that the child’s behavioural traits blossom to his advantage, as well as to his family’s and society’s. This is much healthier and more successful than trying to change your child’s basic nature, trying to reshape him into a behavioural clone of everyone else. High-need children whose behaviour is channelled appropriately may be the leaders of the future. In fact, many people who have contributed positively to society were once high-need children whose behaviour was gently shaped by wise and sensitive parents. Many people who have grown up to harm society have been high-need children who were not recognized or nurtured. A high need that is unmet may reappear later as a less healthy need, one that is difficult to meet in a socially acceptable fashion. A high need that is met early is more likely to reappear later as a positive quality for the child, one that works to his advantage. A mother who recognized early that she had a high-need infant and worked hard to channel that child’s behaviour confided to me, “Early on, I knew this child had the potential to be either a criminal or President.”

unsatisfied

      Not being able to satisfy a baby’s needs is very frustrating for parents of high-need babies. It seems like a direct attack on your abilities. After all, isn’t a contented baby the hallmark of effective mothering? Wrong! There will be days when you feed, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work. Don’t take this as a sign of failure. You do the best you can, and the rest is up to the baby. You have not failed as a mother even if your baby is miserable much of the time. This is partly his personality and partly his immature nervous system still in need of being organized. Meanwhile, keep experimenting with one comforting tool after another, and you will eventually discover one that works – at least for that day. Then you will feel like a genius! Keep your detective hat on to find clues to your baby’s discomfort (see here and here). Constant trial and error is how you build up your baby-soothing СКАЧАТЬ