The Good Behaviour Book: How to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. Martha Sears

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СКАЧАТЬ him: “Pet the cat. Be gentle to the cat. Don’t pull the cat’s tail.” By two, children can follow most verbal commands without physical help.

      A one-year-old baby can understand that “no” or “stop” means that she should stop what she is doing, and that is about the limit of her understanding. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t offer an explanation: “Stop. Don’t touch”, you say as you pull her hands away. “Hurt baby.” As time goes by, make your explanation more complex: “Stop. Don’t touch. Hurt baby. Cooker hot!” Parents can usually tell how much of their explanation sinks in by their child’s reaction. For the toddler, keep explanations simple and brief. Better to spend your creative energy devising alternatives to misbehaviour than defining terms.

      A useful developmental fact that parents need to remember is that toddlers think concretely. They cannot generalize concepts. An eighteen-month-old can learn that your cooker is hot (usually by experiencing it solo – the hard way – or by some supervised exploration), but when he goes to Grandmother’s house, don’t rely on his knowing that all cookers are hot. This ability to generalize develops around age four.

      Discipline through talking. A toddler’s growing receptive language skills (what she understands) make discipline easier. Between eighteen months and two years, children may say little, but they understand all. (All brief, simple sentences, that is.) Capitalize on this developmental achievement by announcing what you’re going to do before you do it: “Daddy’s going to change your nappy.” Rather than catching your toddler by surprise, a prior announcement at least gives daddy a fair chance of getting the child’s cooperation. (See related feature, “Discipline Talk”.)

      Baby’s expressive language skills (what she says) also make discipline easier. Not only can she now understand what you want her to do, she can tell you what she wants: “Off” means she wants her nappy off. Here’s when your wise investment in responding to your baby’s cues begins to pay off. A baby who trusts that her signals will be responded to learns to give more readable signals.

Between eighteen and twenty-four months of age another developmental perk makes discipline easier, the ability to think before acting. How consistently a toddler does this depends more on temperament than intelligence. Impulsive children often rush into a feat instead of first figuring out the consequences and plotting an alternative course. Just watching your child play will teach you where he is in his developmental thought processes. At fifteen months Lauren used to drive us bananas by trying to go up a flight of steps carrying a bowl of cereal. To prevent the inevitable spills, we didn’t allow this activity. At nineteen months Lauren grabbed a bowl of cereal and started for the steps. She stood at the bottom, looked up turned around, and handed the bowl of cereal to Martha before taking off up the steps. Reaching the top, she turned around and reached out for Martha to bring the bowl of cereal up to her. She now had matured enough to figure out the consequences of her action and develop creative alternatives using her adult resources for help. These improvements in language and cognitive skills also decrease the likelihood of tantrums, since the child is less frustrated and better able to figure out alternative ways to get what she wants.

      developmental discipline

      Think “age-appropriate behaviour” and you’ll be able to give age-appropriate direction. Here are some helpful reminders that will help your discipline be developmentally correct.

      Some challenging behaviours are developmentally correct

      In the normal course of development those same behaviours the child needs to exercise in order to move on are the very ones that can get him into trouble. As a child goes from dependence to independence, he will often merit labels like “defiant”, “won’t mind”, “bossy”, “sassy”, and “impulsive”. Some of these behaviours are simply a by-product of the child’s need to become an independent individual. And the “stubbornness” that keeps your child from obeying is the same spunk that helps him get up after a fall and try again.

      Get in “phase” with your child

      Developing children take two steps forward and one step backward. In each stage of development, they bounce back and forth from equilibrium to disequilibrium. While they’re stepping forward into uncharted territory, finding new friends, trying new things, expect discipline problems due to the anxiety that tags along with experimenting. In each stage, expect the calm to come after the storm. The same child who spent two months in a sulk may act like an angel for the next three. This developmental quirk can work to the child’s advantage and yours. Spot which phase your child is in. If he’s trying to move away and grow up a bit, let out the line. During this phase, your child may seem distant from you; she may even answer back and defy you. Don’t take this personally. This phase will soon pass. The child is just in the “do it myself” phase and needs some space and coaching (including correcting) from the sidelines. One day soon, as sure as sunrise follows nightfall, you’ll find your child snuggling next to you on the couch asking for help with tasks, suggesting activities you can do together. You may even wake up one morning and discover your six-year-old nestled next to you in bed. This child is now in a reconnecting phase, a pit stop in the developmental journey when your child needs emotional refuelling. Take advantage of this intermission. It’s time to patch up breaks in communication, cement your relationship, and recharge your child and yourself for the next unsettled phase.

      When parents and child are out of harmony, discipline problems multiply. If your child is trying to break away when you are trying to bond, you are likely to overreact to what may be normal behaviours of independence. If you are too busy while your child is in the reconnecting phase, you miss a window of opportunity to strengthen your positions as comforter, adviser, authority figure, and disciplinarian.

      Respect negative phases

      When your child is developmentally negative don’t take it personally. This is hard sometimes because life does have to go on. This is why a project such as toilet training should not be undertaken during a negative phase. To do so would just frustrate you and give your child more to say no about. Another way to respect negativity is not to punish behaviour that a child is developmentally incapable of (such as saying “yes” during a negative phase). Use non-punitive methods of directing developmental negativity. Above all, do not punish for any aspects of toilet learning. As with food discipline, it’s your child’s body. Trust him to learn its natural functions.

      Plan ahead

      Discipline problems are likely to occur when a child is making the transition from one developmental stage to another, or during major family changes: a move, a new sibling, family illness, or so on. I recently counselled a family whose previously sweet child had turned sour. The mother had started a new job, and at the same time the child started a new school. If possible, time major changes in your life for when a child is not going through major changes herself.

      What is “normal” may not be acceptable

      “I don’t care what the book says, Bobby and Jimmy, fighting is not going to be normal in our home”, said a mother who knew her tolerance. Part of discipline is learning how to live with a child through different developmental stages, and the child’s learning how to live with you. A child’s early family experience is like boot camp in preparing for life. A child must learn how to get along with family members in preparation for future social relationships. He needs to be adaptable, to learn to adjust his behaviours to a particular family need. Billy is boisterous by temperament. Yet Billy is expected to play quietly for a few days because СКАЧАТЬ