Самые лучшие английские анекдоты. Отсутствует

Чтение книги онлайн.

СКАЧАТЬ second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

      The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

* * *

      While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

      “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

      “Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

      They agreed this is a good idea.

      The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”

      The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

      The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

* * *

      A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

      “So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

      The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

* * *

      When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

      “I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

      “Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”

* * *

      “Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

      “When did this happen?”

      “When did what happen?”

* * *

      The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

* * *

      A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.

* * *

      “Why you are going to marry that police captain?”

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      Примечания

      1

      lived to be 107 years old – дожил до 107 лет

      2

      to putter along – плестись

      3

      22 MPH = 22 miles per hour – миль в час

      4

      pulls the driver over – останавливает водителя

      5

      Let’s get off the corner. – Ну-ка, разойдитесь.

      6

      picks up – забирает, подхватывает

      7

      nervousness builds – волнение растёт

      8

      walk around – подходить

      9

      as she got to – когда она подошла

      10

      without missing a beat – не задумавшись ни на секунду

      11

      Get in. – Садись в машину.

      12

      you were keeping company – вы были неразлучны

      13

      why in the world – почему, чёрт возьми

      14

      Here! – Эй, послушайте!

      15

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