Clandestine Christmas. Elle James

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СКАЧАТЬ swelled in her stomach. She had not forgotten the Alfa Romeo had been a thirtieth birthday gift from him. She turned the key in the ignition. The only gift he had given her during their two years together. An expensive gift—not only for the money, but it had been one of many things that had cost them their relationship.

      “Yes, I kept the Alfa,” she said quietly.

      She stared ahead at the sparse traffic. “Uncle Nash says my old room over the dry cleaners is empty, so let’s head there.” Chad’s voice cut through the thick air. “We’ll pick up some Chinese and—”

      Hannah shifted the car into drive. “I am not going to Coney Island with you, Chad.” She pulled away from the curb, then remembered she hadn’t intended to take him with her.

      “You’re being unreasonable, Hannah. You lived there…we lived there together. You’re as familiar with the place as I am. All I’m suggesting is we get out of this heat and get an early start in the morning. The last thing on my mind is getting you into bed.”

      She took a corner a little too quickly. “Interesting you should say that. It’s one of the things you were very good at,” she said quietly. “Look, Chad, there’s no going back. Not to Coney Island. Not to the way things were between us, either professionally or personally.”

      Despite her argument, the months they’d been apart began to fade into the background, leaving her feeling insecure and defensive. Which didn’t make any sense, really. She and Chad were no longer a couple. They no longer shared the same apartment. Their lives were completely separate. Still, that didn’t change the fact that one important thing connected them and always would.

      Bonny.

      Gripping the steering wheel, she concentrated on this important detail.

      “I have something I need to do,” she said. “If you want me to drop you off, let me know. If not, you’re welcome to come along for the ride for now.”

      “I’ll come along for the ride.”

      “And after that, you’re on your own. Right?”

      “Right.”

      Something in Chad’s voice compelled her to look at him. She winced at the shuttered expression he wore.

      “Why don’t we forget about the past and start from scratch, okay, Hannah? I don’t need the hassle any more than you do. We’re both adults. Why don’t we approach this like the professionals we are and forget the rest?”

      Her hand shaking, she switched on the radio, the only part of the car that worked properly. The interior filled with the neutral sound of country music.

      What would he say when he found out a reminder in the shape of an eight-month-old little girl made it impossible for her to forget?

      Chad studied Hannah from beneath half-closed lids, then pulled at his collar. It was hot. But whether his new sense of discomfort had to do with the August heat or how right Hannah had felt in his arms again was unclear. He glanced at her slender ankles visible below the hem of her gauzy skirt, then budged his gaze up her long, almost too slim body to her blue, blue eyes. Everything about her spoke of freshness, strength and a love for life.

      Face it, Hogan, you missed her.

      While the admission didn’t come easily, he’d always known Hannah struck an unnamed chord in him. He watched the freckled backs of her hands as she gripped and released the steering wheel, and fought the urge to reach out, take one of those hands in his. It had taken a lot to walk away from her nearly a year and a half ago. But he’d had no choice. She had made that clearer than a Florida sunrise. He forced his glance away from where the humid breeze stirred her curly red hair. Why did he feel like someone had just taken a paintbrush to his gray, cynical life? And why did he feel that her vital presence was exactly the reason he had to freeze her out?

      Because, he told himself, whatever primal urges made him ache to touch her, to lose himself in the taste, the feel of her, he couldn’t risk letting her in again. She had come too close the last time.

      The moment he met Hannah nearly three years ago he knew he’d end up hurting her, but had been helpless to stop himself. He recognized instantly that the qualities that drew him to her would be the very traits that would eventually push them apart. Hannah demanded everything from life—and she’d expected everything from him. Only she hadn’t known that he no longer had everything to give.

      The way he saw it, their breakup had been inevitable. It had never been a question of “if” but of “when” and “how.” He knew from the outset that Hannah would one day finger him for the fraud he was. Would notice his shortcomings and boot him out of her life. What he hadn’t banked on was that her rejection would cut so deep. Or that his hurting her would hurt him so much it was painful sometimes to breathe.

      During his self-exile in Florida he had hoped his absence would help heal Hannah’s wounds. He had also sought forgiveness for having hurt her. From the sea where the Gulf met the Atlantic in the Keys, and from the vodka bottles that never had anything to give beyond illusionary escape. Each and every day he pushed himself to the limit in his two-bit assignments in order to feed his untouched savings account, and each and every morning when he awakened, he found himself more restless than before. He had moved his secondhand trailer from seacoast town to town, concentrating on local skip-traces and collecting license plates from uninsured vehicles for twenty bucks a pop. He had searched for a peace that proved as elusive as the answer to why his wife and son had been torn from his life four years ago, before he even met Hannah.

      No, he had nothing left to give Hannah…except his apology. And he’d been offered the perfect opportunity to give it to her when Elliott called him that morning.

      Hannah pulled into the no-parking zone outside the central Queens police station and turned off the ignition. Chad knew it was where she had served five years as a NYC police officer.

      “I thought we were going to pick up the Alfa,” he said.

      Hannah let herself out of the car and Chad followed. He tried not to watch her, appreciate the way she moved, the way she walked. He tried harder still to ignore the fear she tried to hide. He’d expected several reactions from her, but fear wasn’t one of them. Hannah had never been afraid of anything. Was it fear of him? Possible, but not probable. All he knew was he didn’t like to see the emotion coloring her eyes when she looked at him, which wasn’t often.

      “We are,” she replied. “Right after I find out what the police have on these bail-jumpers.”

      “Hey, McGee!” the uniformed officer at the front desk greeted Hannah as they entered. “What brings you back to this part of town?”

      Hannah stepped up to the desk and smiled. “Slumming it, I guess, Smitty.”

      The fifty-some-odd-year-old officer eyed her. “Slumming it! You’re a real barrel of laughs, McGee.”

      Chad noticed the way Hannah relaxed, appearing comfortable with the precinct banter she must have mastered during her stint as a police officer. Much more comfortable than she was with him.

      “Is Schindler around?” she asked.

      The officer moved a hand to his right. “Just where he always is. Guy should have gone home hours ago. I think he’d die without those blasted files.”

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