Upon a Midnight Clear. Gail Gaymer Martin

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СКАЧАТЬ lived a full and glorious life, loving her Lord and her family.” Callie pictured the wrinkled, loving face of her dying patient. Ethel’s earthly years had definitely been full and glorious.

      In contrast, Callie’s nearly twenty-six years had been empty and dull. Her dreams had died that horrible March day that she tried to block from her memory. Her life seemed buried in its own tomb of guilt and sorrow.

      “So, about the funeral—?”

      Callie slammed the door on her thoughts and focused on her mother.

      “Tell me about the music? Any hymns?” Grace asked.

      Callie eyed her, sensing an ulterior motive in her question. “Real nice, Mom. Organ music and hymns.”

      “Which hymns?”

      Callie pulled her shoulders back, feeling the muscles tightening along the cords of her neck. “‘Amazing Grace,’ ‘Softly and Tenderly.”’

      “I can hear you singing that one. So beautiful.”

      Callie fought the desire to bolt from the room. She sensed an argument heading her way. Instead, she aimed her eyes at the newspaper clutched in her hands.

      Grace leaned on an elbow. “So what will you do now?”

      “Find a new job, I suppose.” She hesitated, wondering what comment she’d receive about her newest resolve. “But I’ve made a decision.” Callie met her mother’s eyes. “I’m not going to give elderly care anymore. I’ll find something else.”

      “Praise the Lord, you’ve come to your senses. Callie, you have a nursing degree, but you continue to waste your time with the deathwatch. You need to live and use the talent God gave you.”

      Deep creases furrowed Callie’s forehead. “Please don’t call it the deathwatch. Caring for older people has been a blessing. And I do use my talents.” She shook her head, amazed at her mother’s attitude. “Do you think it’s easy to nurse someone who’s dying? I use as many skills as I would in a regular hospital.”

      Grace fell back against the chair. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to belittle your work, but it’s not a life for a young woman. Look at you. You’re beautiful and intelligent, yet you spend your life sitting in silent rooms, listening to old people muttering away about nothing but useless memories. What about a husband…and children? Don’t you want a life for yourself?”

      She flinched at her mother’s words. “Please, don’t get on that topic, Mom. You know how I feel about that.”

      “I wish I knew when you got these odd ideas. They helped put your father in his grave. He had such hopes for you.”

      Callie stiffened as icy tendrils slithered through her. How many times was she reminded of how she had helped kill her father? After his death three years earlier, the doctor had said her dad had been a walking time bomb from fatty foods, cigarettes and a type-A personality. Though guilt poked at her, she knew she hadn’t caused his death. Yet, she let her mother rile her.

      Grace scowled with a piercing squint. “I think it began when you stopped singing,” she said, releasing a lengthy, audible sigh. “Such a beautiful voice. Like a meadowlark.”

      “Stop. Stop, Mother.” Callie slammed her hand on the tabletop. “Please, don’t call me that.”

      Grace looked taken aback. “Well, I’m sorry. What’s gotten into you?” She gaped at Callie. “You’re as white as a sheet. I only called you a—”

      “Please, don’t say it again, Mother.” Callie pressed her forehead into her hand.

      “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” Grace sat for a moment before she began her litany. “I don’t know, Callie. I could cry when I think of it. Everyone said you sang like an angel.”

      Callie stared at the newspaper, the black letters blurring. Her mother wouldn’t stop until she’d made her point. Callie ached inside when she thought about the music she’d always loved. She struggled to keep her voice calm and controlled. “I lost my interest in music, that’s all.” Her fingernails dug into the flesh of her fisted hand.

      “Your father had such hopes for you. He dreamed you’d pass your audition with the Jim McKee Singers. But his hopes were buried along with him in his grave.”

      Callie modulated her pitch, and her words came out in a monotone. “I didn’t pass the audition. I told you.”

      “I can’t believe that, Callie. You’ve said it, but everyone knew you could pass the audition. Either you didn’t try or…I don’t know. Being part of Paul Ivory’s ministry would be any girl’s dream. And the Jim McKee Singers traveled with him in the summer all over the country, so it wouldn’t have interfered with your college studies. And then you just quit singing. I can’t understand you.”

      “Mother, let’s not argue about something that happened years ago.”

      “But it’s not just that, Callie. I hate to bring it up, but since the baby, you’ve never been the same.”

      Unexpected tears welled in Callie’s eyes, tears she usually fought. But today they sneaked in behind the emotions elicited by Ethel’s death, and the memory of the baby’s Christmas birth dragged them out of hiding.

      Callie had never seen the daughter she bore six years earlier. The hospital had their unbending policy, and her parents had given her the same ultimatum. A girl placing a child for adoption should not see her baby.

      She begged and pleaded with her parents to allow her to keep her daughter. But they would have no part of it. She struggled in her thoughts—longing to finish an argument that held weight. In the end, her parents were correct. A child needed a secure and loving home. Adoption was best for her baby daughter. But not for Callie. Against her wishes, Callie signed the papers releasing her baby for adoption.

      Grace breathed a ragged sigh. “Maybe your father and I made a mistake. You were so young, a whole lifetime ahead of you. We thought you could get on with your life. If you’d only told us who the young man was—but you protected him. Any decent young man would have stood up and accepted his responsibilities. For all we knew, you never told him, either.”

      “We’ve gone over this before. It’s in the past. It’s over. It’s too late.” She clutched the newspaper, crumpling the paper beneath her fingers.

      “We meant well. Even your brother and sister begged you to tell us who the fellow was. You could have been married, at least. Given the baby a name, so we could hold our head up in public. But, no.”

      Callie folded the paper and clasped it in her trembling hand. She rose without comment. What could she say that she hadn’t said a million times already? “I’m going to my room. I have a headache.” As she passed through the doorway, she glanced over her shoulder and saw her mother’s strained expression.

      Before Grace could call after her, Callie rushed up the staircase to her second-floor bedroom and locked the door. She could no longer bear to hear her mother’s sad-voiced recollections. No one but Callie knew the true story. She prayed that the vivid picture, too much like a horror movie, would leave her. Yet so many nights the ugly dream tore into her sleep, and again and again she relived the life-changing moments.

      She СКАЧАТЬ