To Have And To Hold. Myrna Mackenzie

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      “No. He didn’t want anything other than to use me. I fell for him when I was seventeen,” she explained quietly. “I moved in with him, wanted to be with him. Craig trained me, taught me everything I know. He was a gifted rider. I thought he loved me. But I found out too late that he only cared about his career. Our career, as he called it.” Another breath. “We’d worked hard, trained hard, put in hours and used all our money. The Grand Prix Championships were at our fingertips—and after that, the big one, the Olympics, every rider’s dream. But I got pregnant and everything changed. I couldn’t ride, I wouldn’t risk riding. Craig was furious. I’d never seen him like that. We argued about it for three days. In the end, he told me I had to make a choice.”

      She paused, took a long breath, gathered herself and blinked away the fresh tears in her eyes. “He wanted me to end it. The pregnancy.”

      Noah’s mouth thinned. “What did you do?”

      “Moved back in with my mom.”

      “And then?”

      “I decided to get on with my life. When I was about five months along, Craig came back. He said he wanted to try and work things out. He said he’d changed his mind about the baby, about me. And I believed him.”

      She knew he heard the “but” in her voice. “What happened then?” he asked.

      Callie shrugged. “For a few weeks it seemed like it would be okay. And as much as I felt betrayed by Craig, I knew my baby deserved a father. Craig even talked about setting a date for the wedding.” She paused, thinking, remembering. “On the day of the accident he came around early. We talked about me moving back in with him, about turning one of the guest rooms into a nursery. He asked me to go for a drive. I was happy to do it, happy thinking everything would work out. We got in the car and drove for a while. But he seemed edgy to me, like he had something on his mind. And then … and then he said it. He said it and I knew I could never trust him again.”

      Noah held her tighter. “What did he say?”

      “My horse,” she replied. “He wanted my horse, Indiana. That was what he wanted. That was all he wanted. Not me, not our baby. You see, Craig was a gifted rider with a good horse, where as I was a good rider with a gifted horse. He wanted to ride Indy in the Grand Prix qualifiers. He said if I loved him, if I wanted him to be a part of my life, and the baby’s life I had to do what he asked.”

      “And the crash?” Noah asked quietly.

      “He was furious with me, called me a few names. He tried to touch me and I pushed him off.” Her voice cracked, sounding hollow. “He lost control of the car. We ended up crashing into a guardrail and down an embankment.”

      Noah winced. He felt pain and rage rip through him. Anger toward a man he’d never met. A dead man. A man who’d hurt this woman so much, who’d broken her to a point Noah feared she’d never be whole again.

      “Was he killed instantly?” he managed to ask, though he didn’t know how. His heart thundered in his chest.

      She nodded. “Yes.”

      “And you?”

      “I was rushed to the hospital,” she said. “I had a lot of internal injuries and the baby was in distress. I was pretty out of it. My mom was there and they told her there were no guarantees for either of us. So the doctors delivered him.” Tears came again, brimming over. “He fought for two days. He was so tiny. I was so sick and only got to spend a moment holding him.”

      Noah swallowed, fighting the emotion in his throat. It was every parent’s worst nightmare. And she’d endured it alone. He wished he could turn back the clock and be there with her, hold her through every awful moment. He took a deep breath. “I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”

      Callie looked at him. “Ashamed that I didn’t see through Craig’s lack of integrity. If I had, maybe Ryan would still be alive, maybe my beautiful boy would be with me. He’d be nearly four years old now.”

      Four years old…

      Noah drew a sharp breath. And the truth hit him with the force of a sledgehammer.

      “The twins.” His words trailed and then picked up. “That’s why you. Ah, of course.”

      Her throat convulsed. “Sometimes … it’s hard to be around them.”

      Because they reminded her of all she lost.

      “I’m so …” He stopped, searching for the words. Everything he considered seemed grossly inadequate. “Thank you for telling me,” he said, and even that wasn’t nearly enough.

      “I needed to,” she said, and Noah felt her pull against his embrace. He let her go and she walked back to the seat and dropped into it. “I wanted you to understand that what I’m feeling is about me. Not them. Not you.”

      That didn’t sound right. Her resistance, her pain was about him. And the kids. She’d lost her baby—and that loss stopped her from wanting to feel again. Noah could see her struggle. He could feel it. But he wasn’t about to let her walk away from him.

      He returned to his seat and grasped her hand. “Callie,” he said gently. “What do you want to happen between us?”

      She looked uncertain and he felt panic rise in his blood. He wanted her to say she wanted everything—him, the kids, the life he knew was within their reach. But her silence was suddenly deafening.

      Finally, she spoke. “I’ve done a good job of putting my emotions on hold for the past few years. And as much as I’m drawn to you, Noah, I just don’t know if I’m ready to feel again.”

      His fingers tenderly rubbed her knuckles as he kissed her. “I’m no expert, Callie,” he said against her mouth. “But if you feel anything like I’m feeling right now, we’re off to a good start.”

      She moaned slightly and the sound undid him. He wanted her so much. Needed her so much. He felt like saying something to her, maybe tell her exactly what she meant to him. Something uncurled in his chest, thudding loudly. Liking Callie, desiring Callie had swiftly turned into something else. And this Callie—this beautiful, fragile woman who now trembled in his arms, was suddenly the one woman he wanted for the rest of this life.

      “Callie?”

      She looked up. And one look did it. One look from blue eyes shimmering with tears.

       I’m gone …

      The feeling reached right through to every pore in his skin, every blood cell, every scrap of air that filled his lungs when he took a breath.

      “Spend Saturday with me,” he said quietly. He kissed her again, slanting his mouth over hers in a sweet, possessive caress and he felt her tremble. “Can you rearrange your lesson schedule?”

      “Yes.” She sighed. “And thank you for understanding.”

      He nodded. He did understand. She wasn’t a woman to be rushed. And because he’d waited his entire life to feel this way, he’d do his best to give her whatever time she needed.

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