Australian Affairs: Wed. Barbara Hannay

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      Joe stood at the motel window on Sydney’s Coogee Beach, looking out at an idyllic moonlit scene of sea cliffs and rolling surf.

      So, it was over. He was home—finally, permanently. On the long flight back from Afghanistan he’d been dreaming of this arrival.

      For most Australians, December meant the beginning of the long summer holidays and Joe had looked forward to downing a cold beer at sunset in a bar overlooking the beach, and sitting on the sand, eating hot, crunchy fish and chips straight from the paper they were wrapped in, throwing the scraps to the seagulls.

      This evening he’d done all of these things, but the expected sense of joy and relaxation hadn’t followed. Everything had felt strangely unreal.

      It was unsettling, especially as his Commando training had taught him to adapt quickly to different environments and to respond effectively to any challenges.

      Now he was home, in the safest and most welcoming of environments, and yet he felt detached and disconnected, as if he was standing on the outside, watching some stranger trying to enjoy himself.

      Of course, he knew that the transition to civilian life would be tricky after years of strict training and dangerous combat. At least he’d been prepared for the Happy Family scenes at the airport today, but once he’d escaped those jubilant reunions he’d expected to be fine.

      Instead he felt numb and deflated, as if nothing about this new life was real.

      He stared at the crescent of pale sand below, silvery in the moonlight, at the rolling breakers and white foam spraying against the dark, rocky cliffs, and he half-wished he had new orders to obey and a dangerous mission to fulfil.

      When his phone buzzed, he didn’t have the heart to answer it but, out of habit, he checked the caller ID.

      It was Ellie.

      His gut tightened.

      He hadn’t expected her to call so soon, but perhaps she’d seen the TV news and she knew he was back in Sydney. No doubt she wanted to talk, to make arrangements.

      His breathing went shallow as hope and dread warred inside him. Was he ready for this conversation?

      It was tempting to let her call go through to voicemail, to see what she had to say and respond later. But in the last half-second he gave in. He swallowed to clear his throat. ‘Hi, Ellie.’

      ‘Oh? Hello, Joe.’

      They’d spoken a handful of times in the past three years.

      ‘How are you?’ Joe grimaced, knowing how awkward he sounded. ‘How’s the kid?’

      ‘We’re both really well, thanks. Jacko’s growing so fast. How are you?’

      What could he say? ‘Fine. Home in one piece.’

      ‘It must be wonderful to be back in Australia for good,’ she said warmly.

      ‘Yeah, I guess.’ Too late he realised he should have sounded more enthusiastic.

      ‘I...ah...’ Now, it was Ellie who seemed to be floundering for words.

      They weren’t good at this. How could they be? An unhappy silence ticked by.

      ‘I hear you’ve had a very dry year up north,’ Joe said, clumsily picking up the ball.

      ‘We have, but the weather bureau’s predicting a decent wet season.’

      ‘Well, that’s good news.’

      Joe pictured Karinya, the Far North Queensland cattle station that he and Ellie had leased and set up together when they’d first been married and afloat on love and hope and a thousand happy dreams. In his mind’s eye, he could see the red dirt of the inland and the pale, sparse grass dotted with cattle, the rocky ridges and winding creeks. The wide blue overarching sky.

      When they’d split, Ellie had stubbornly insisted on staying up there and running the place on her own. Even when the much-longed-for baby had arrived she’d stayed on, hiring a manager at first while she was pregnant, and then a nanny to help with the baby while Ellie continued to look after the cattle business as well as her son.

      His son. Their son.

      ‘Joe, I assume you want to see Jacko,’ Ellie said quickly.

      He gritted his teeth against the sudden whack of emotion. There’d been opportunities to visit North Queensland between his many missions, but he’d only seen their miracle baby once. He’d flown to Townsville and Ellie had driven in to the coast from Karinya. They’d spent an awkward afternoon in a park on Townsville’s Strand and Joe had a photo in his wallet to prove it.

      Now the kid was two years old.

      ‘Of course I’d like to see Jacko,’ he said cautiously. How could a father not want to see his own son? ‘Are you planning to come in to Townsville again?’

      ‘I’m sorry, Joe, I can’t. It’s more or less impossible for me to get away just now. You know what it’s like in December. It’s calving time, and I’m busy with keeping supplements and water up to the herd. And Nina—that’s the nanny—wants to take her holidays. She’d like to go home to Cairns for Christmas, and that’s understandable, so I’m trying to manage here on my own. I...um...thought you might be able to come out here.’

      Joe’s jaw tightened. ‘To the homestead?’

      ‘Yes.’

      His brow furrowed. ‘But even if I fly to Townsville, I wouldn’t be able to make it out to Karinya and back again in a day.’

      ‘Yes, I know...you’d have to stay overnight. There...there’s a spare bed. You could have Nina’s room.’

      Whoa.

      Joe flinched as if he’d been hit by a sniper. He held the phone away at arm’s length as he dragged a shaky breath. He’d been steeling himself for the heart slug of another meeting with his son, but he’d always imagined another half hour in Townsville—a handover of gifts, maybe a walk in the park and another photo of himself with the kid, a memory to treasure.

      Get it over, and then goodbye.

      He wasn’t sure he was prepared to stay at Karinya, spending all that time with young Jacko, as Ellie called him, spending a night there as well.

      That had to be a bad idea.

      Crazy.

      ‘Joe, are you still there?’

      ‘Yeah.’ The effort to sound cool and calm made him grimace. ‘Ellie, I’m not sure about going out there.’

      ‘What do you mean? You do want to see your little boy, don’t you?’

      The hurt in her voice was crystal freaking clear.

      ‘I...I do... Sure, of course I want to see him.’

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