Australian Affairs: Tempted. Amy Andrews

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СКАЧАТЬ felt that!’ Juan said.

      Manuel was washing his arm and Juan felt something, a vague sting, but at least he felt it.

      His breathing came faster, scared to hope.

      It was two a.m., the nurses were doing their rounds the night after his meltdown.

      His roommates had all been wonderful.

      ‘Love you, Juan,’ André had called to him that morning as Juan had woken up. He was so ashamed for what he had put his roommates through, not knowing it was part of the process, not knowing two of them had done it too.

      ‘Love you, Juan,’ José had called, and Juan had closed his eyes.

      ‘Does it make me gay if I say I love you?’ young Eduard had called out, and Juan had smiled at the ceiling.

      ‘No,’ Juan finally answered. ‘I love you guys, too,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

      It had been a day of conversation, a day of comradeship in the room as they’d stared up at the ceiling and joked and laughed. With the nurses’ help they had even video-called each other that afternoon, finally face to face with each other. Eduard had told them about his amazing girlfriend, Felicia, who was currently flying back from a student exchange in France and would be coming in to see him tomorrow.

      Juan had woken at two a.m., as he always did when the nurses approached.

      ‘Not like this!’ Juan’s eyes snapped open as he heard Eduard shout. ‘I don’t want Felicia seeing me…’

      Poor man.

      Juan closed his eyes in agony as he heard Eduard screaming to Graciela, who was by his side. Poor man. Juan wept as Manuel wiped his tears and Eduard’s deranged, grief-filled rant continued.

      Oh, Eduard!

      Juan wanted to go over and hold him. He wanted to fix him, to heal him, but all he could do was lie in respectful silence, grimacing over and over in agony as Eduard let out his fears in a room, in a ward, that understood.

      Poor man.

      Good man.

      He looked up at Manuel, saw that his eyes were filling up too, but he gave a small smile of comfort to Juan.

      ‘It’s okay,’ he said quietly. ‘He will be okay.’

      Juan’s eyes snapped open and his heart was pounding as he came out of the memory. He moved his hands and it was luxury, checked that his legs still moved and then his hand moved to the heaven of an erection he could feel, even if was unsated, and he cried in the darkness, feeling the hell of that night again.

      He sat up and gulped water and then reached for his laptop. He blew his nose as he made the call on his computer and waited for the comfort of a familiar face.

      ‘Juan!’ Eduard smiled as he came into focus.

      ‘Does it make me gay if I call you in the middle of the night to tell you I love you?’ Juan asked.

      ‘Bad night?’ Eduard asked, and Juan nodded as he wiped the tears from his face. Their friendship was worth more than gold, silver and platinum combined. It was Juan’s most treasured possession. André struggled with Juan, jealous at his recovery, but they were trying to work through it. José was doing well and had movement in his arms and they kept in regular touch. But it was Eduard and Juan who were closest. The bond they had made back then was unbreakable and Juan smiled to see Eduard’s cheeky grin. ‘Bad luck for you if you are gay,’ Eduard said. ‘Felicia and I are getting married.’

      ‘Eduard…’ Juan was smiling and crying and then just smiling. Eduard was quadriplegic, with some small movement in his left hand and wrist. How he treasured that movement, how grateful he was for the exercises the nurses had performed over and over so that meant, with special equipment, he could type, could raise a beaker and drink from it. ‘She is so beautiful,’ Juan said. ‘She is amazing…’

      ‘I know.’ Eduard was serious. ‘Juan, will you be my best man?’

      ‘We don’t have best men in Argentina,’ Juan teased lightly, but then he was serious. ‘Except, for all that has happened, we do. I would be so proud to be your best man.’

      ‘I don’t want you to come home if you are not ready. I understand why you had to get away…’

      ‘You tell me the date and I will be there. Nothing would keep me from being there to share in your day.’

      ‘We are sorting the date out. Juan?’ Eduard’s tone changed to being tentative. ‘There is something I wish to discuss with you. We’re so grateful, but you don’t have to keep paying for my pills.’

      ‘Are the pills working?’ Juan asked, and grinned as Eduard gave a shy smile back. This was no crude conversation, there was nothing they did not discuss, and Juan, loaded with survivor guilt, refused to leave anything out of bounds.

      ‘Yes,’ Eduard said. ‘We have sex and it is getting better. She enjoys it, I think, and I love her pleasure.’

      ‘Then that money is there,’ Juan said. He knew the tablets were expensive and the young couple could not afford many, knew what must sometimes be on Eduard’s mind, so he said, ‘If I kill myself doing all this crazy stuff I have left money for you in my will. You will be pleasing your beautiful Felicia all your life, my friend.’

      ‘Thank you.’

      ‘No need,’ Juan said, and he meant it.

      ‘I tried what you said with my mouth,’ Eduard said, ‘and she was not faking!’

      ‘I’ll teach you more tricks another time,’ Juan said. No, it was no crude conversation—younger, far less experienced, Eduard had cried and cried to Juan about losing his ability to make love to Felicia, had doubted that he might ever please her again. But even as Juan smiled, it faltered. His tears were coming again, and he felt guilty because he was the one walking and yet he was the one crying. ‘Sorry, Eduard, you don’t need this today…’

      ‘Hey!’ Eduard said. ‘It’s me.’

      ‘I know.’ Juan looked at his friend and nodded, because they had agreed it went both ways. For it to work, Eduard had to be there for him too. How different Juan was from how he had once been—how much his priorities had changed since that day.

      ‘I was going to call you on Sunday,’ Eduard said. ‘I know it will be a difficult day.’

      It would have been Juan’s first wedding anniversary.

      ‘It’s not just the wedding anniversary,’ Juan admitted. ‘I like someone, Eduard. For the first time in what feels like for ever there is someone that I cannot get out of my mind and yet I cannot get her into bed.’

      ‘You can.’

      ‘I leave a week on Tuesday.’

      ‘You have to leave?’

      ‘Yes,’ Juan said. ‘My visa expires and anyway I don’t СКАЧАТЬ