The Guilty Mother. Diane Jeffrey

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       Chapter 4

      

       Melissa

       April 2012

      I hadn’t wanted to host the dinner party in the first place, but Michael insisted it was high time we invited our friends round. It was only Rob and Jenny, he said. They were coming with their daughter, who was a few months younger than Callum. Michael’s daughter, Bella, would be there, too. She seemed to spend as much time as possible at her mum’s – she was taking her A levels that year and apparently it was quieter for her to study there – but, to Michael’s delight, she’d agreed to come to us for the weekend. With Clémentine, our au pair, that made eight of us, not counting the twins.

      Clémentine helped out with all the food preparation. She was a godsend, that girl, or so I thought at the time, and I’d been hoping she would extend her stay with us after her year was up. I realised just how much I’d come to rely on her in the short two months she’d been with us and I didn’t know what I’d do without her. She shopped and cooked and helped me look after the twins. Her patience was boundless and self-confidence oozed out of every pore of her flawless olive skin. No matter what I asked her to do, she did it graciously. She often took the initiative, too, anticipating what needed to be done before I could make a to-do list in my head.

      Clémentine had even impressed Michael, who had initially been reluctant to employ an au pair. But once my husband, a self-professed wine buff, found out that Clémentine’s parents were winegrowers in the Rhône Valley, it was a done deal. The two of them had taken to discussing and tasting wines in the evenings and Michael had started to take Clémentine with him to his oenology classes once a fortnight.

      As for Callum, he was besotted with her. His eyes practically popped out of his spotty face on stalks whenever she sashayed into the room, a cloud of Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle invariably wafting in with her. I’d heard him stutter more than once as he tried out his schoolboy French on her and then witnessed him blushing when she answered in her native tongue and he didn’t understand. I think it amused Clémentine.

      I couldn’t fault her except for one thing. For some reason, she always seemed to tend to Ellie, leaving me to look after Amber. I’d tried to talk to Michael about this, but he argued that at only a few weeks of age, it probably didn’t matter one iota to the twins who looked after them as long as someone fed them, changed them and talked to them. I sometimes wondered if I wished Clémentine would take Amber more often because she was prone to colic and colds whereas her sister Ellie was considerably calmer. I kept that thought to myself, though, feeling guilty whenever it wormed its way into my mind.

      I tried to convince myself it would be lovely to see Jenny again, but in truth I wasn’t looking forward to having guests. Despite that, I’d put a lot of thought into making myself presentable for them coming. I’d had my hair layered and highlighted that afternoon, and as I still didn’t fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, I bought a new outfit in Oasis, opting for dark colours in the hope of concealing my bulges.

      If I’d spent a little money getting ready for this evening – too much for Michael’s liking – I didn’t get to spend much time. Amber cried for what seemed like hours and by the time I finally got her down, I was running late. I did a quick job with my make-up and I was doing up my dress when the doorbell went. I appraised the result in the bedroom mirror. Not perfect, but not too bad. It would do.

      When Jenny arrived, though, self-doubt consumed me in one big gulp. ‘Sleek’ and ‘slim’ were the words that sprung to mind when I looked at her. In comparison, I could only come up with ‘fat’ and ‘frumpy’ to describe myself. The same age as me, Jenny didn’t appear to have aged at all since I’d known her whereas I would need to apply a whole bottle of foundation to stand any chance of masking my wrinkles. And although she was normally the same height as me, in her kitten heels Jenny towered two inches over me in my slippers.

      ‘Ooh, your hair looks fantastic,’ were the first words she said when I opened the door. Good old Jen. She always said the right thing.

      As she, Rob and their daughter, Sophia, stood on the doorstep, I noticed with a prick of envy that Rob had his arm around Jenny’s waist. It was months since there had been any genuine affection between Michael and me. I thought the twins would bring us closer again one day, but for the moment the unexpected upheaval in our lives had driven a wedge between us.

      Michael shepherded everyone into the living room and served pre-dinner drinks. I was already feeling detached from it all, as though I was on the outside looking in. I made an effort to laugh in the right places, but it didn’t sound like my laugh; I attempted to make small talk, but it was stilted, as if I were trying to string together sentences in a foreign language.

      At the table, at least three discussions were going on at the same time and I couldn’t follow a single one. The chatter grew louder and everyone’s words merged into a confused din in my head. Once or twice there was a slight hush and I realised someone had spoken to me and was waiting for my response. It all felt as if I’d walked onto a stage and had to play a part, but I was missing my cues and hadn’t learnt my lines.

      I’d decided against breastfeeding – it just seemed easier not to and I felt too old to do all the nightly feeds myself – so I could have a drink or two, which I’d been looking forward to. I knocked back the expensive wine without even tasting it, hoping it would loosen my tongue, or at least loosen me up. I was relieved when everyone had finished their starters and I could busy myself with clearing the plates and serving the main course.

      Everything was forced – my contribution to the conversation, my smile, which stretched into a rictus across my face. I felt like a fraud. I was faking it, feigning an interest when I had no idea what was going on around me. After a while, I couldn’t keep up the pretence. When the baby monitor crackled, I leapt to my feet, seizing the opportunity to get away for a few minutes.

      But СКАЧАТЬ