One Hundred Proposals. Holly Martin

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СКАЧАТЬ the breast department. Some of the breasts, I suspected, weren’t even real – though Harry didn’t seem to mind. I was more in the straight up, straight down department, definitely no curves and not really any breasts to speak of.

      I watched Harry log off his computer with haste and obvious excitement about what Sexy Samantha had in store for him that night.

      ‘I have a hot date too,’ I blurted out, watching for any flicker of jealousy. Of course there was none.

      ‘That’s great Suze.’ He looked genuinely pleased. ‘You haven’t seen anyone since Jack…’ He trailed off. My life was defined into two segments. Before Jack and After Jack. I wondered if Jules felt the same. He grabbed his jacket, averting his eyes from me, perhaps knowing that he had said something he shouldn’t. ‘It’s about time you got back on the horse again. We can swap notes tomorrow.’

      ‘Or not.’ I couldn’t bear thinking about that conversation. The literal ins and outs of Harry’s date would be something I really didn’t want to hear. I’d changed the subject twice that morning already when he started giving me explicit details that would be right at home on the pages of an erotic fiction novel. Sexy Samantha was far kinkier than those baby blue eyes might suggest. Besides, what did I have to contribute to that conversation? My hot date consisted of a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a night in with the beautiful Brad Pitt. I logged off my own computer, keen to show him I also had something exciting to run off to.

      ‘Where did you meet him?’

      I racked my brain as I fluffed out my hair in the reflection of a photo showing me and Harry covered in snow and grinning ear to ear after sledging at the indoor Snow Zone. Before Jack.

      ‘Skiing,’ I said, then wished I hadn’t.

      He stopped in his hasty exit. ‘Skiing? When have you been skiing?’

      ‘I go every Sunday, skiing lessons, he’s my ski instructor.’ I was making it worse.

      ‘You hate skiing.’

      I had said that hadn’t I. Because this photo was taken when we had our first and last skiing lesson a year before. I had spent forty minutes falling on my bum – as kids as young as five glided effortlessly past me – and the last twenty minutes of the lesson, after Harry had been upgraded to the adult slopes, trying to get up and rolling around on the floor with my skis in the air, looking like an oversized beetle stranded on its back. Harry had felt sorry for me that I had failed so spectacularly and had taken me sledging instead. Much more up my street. There was no skill at all involved in sliding down a slope in a red plastic sledge.

      ‘I like it now. I’m very proficient. Obviously just needed the right instructor.’

      ‘Well that’s great, maybe we can go together sometime.’

      I fixed a smile onto my face. ‘Maybe.’

      ‘What’s his name?’

      I cast around for a suitable name and a suitable adjective to describe him, something comparable to Sexy Samantha. I had nothing, no names in my head at all. The only name in my head was Harry and that would be too weird. He was staring at me, waiting for me to come up with a name, the silence stretched on. I had to say something.

      ‘Tim.’ I almost shouted out with relief. ‘Tiny Tim.’

      Great. Just great.

      Harry’s face fell. ‘Tiny Tim?’

      ‘Yes.’

      ‘As in…’ he waggled his little finger at me.

      ‘No, no, of course not, he’s very big in that department. Big all over in fact. Huge. It’s kind of an ironic name.’

      ‘Big like me?’

      ‘Well I have no idea how big you are in that department.’ My eyes cast down to the sizeable bulge in his jeans and I felt my cheeks burn as he clearly saw me checking him out.

      ‘I meant in height,’ Harry said. I’m sure I saw his mouth twitch as he suppressed a smile.

      ‘Oh yes, he’s very tall.’

      ‘Good. That’s good. I have a friend who’s a ski instructor at the Snow Zone, he might know your Tim. What’s his surname?’

      ‘Timmings.’

      I was a terrible liar.

      ‘Tim Timmings?’

      ‘That’s right.’

      A horn tooted outside and Harry peeled back the net curtain to wave at Sexy Samantha as she leaned on the bonnet of her sexy red convertible. I didn’t think I’d ever be so relieved to see her again.

      ‘Well have fun.’ Harry threw me a cursory wave as he thundered down the stairs. A second later I heard the front door slam.

      I peered out the window, hoping not to be noticed as Harry swept Sexy Samantha into his arms and swung her round as if he hadn’t seen her in months. As he deposited her on the floor she waved up at me and I was forced to wave politely back.

      With a wheel spin and the stereo blaring out something young and hip, the red convertible roared up the road, taking my heart with it.

      I’d been in love with Harry for two long, painful years and we were further away today from getting together than we had been when we first met. We were now firmly in the friend zone and there was never any coming back from that.

      Two years was way too long for unrequited love. It was time I moved on with someone else. I would just fall out of love with him, simple as that.

      I sighed as I walked into my bedroom and got changed into my cow print onesie. I flicked through some songs on my iPod until I found something suitably rousing and as Gloria Gaynor started belting out ‘I am what I am’, I turned up the volume, leapt up onto the bed and danced and wiggled my bum in time with the lyrics. I was highly skilled in the playing of air drums and as Gloria reached a crescendo so did my frenetic drum playing. As the instrumental kicked in I leapt off the bed, doing the splits mid-air. I pulled a muscle in my groin and as I flicked my hair theatrically out of my face I saw Harry’s eyes widen in horror as I landed on top of him, one leg somehow hooked over his shoulder as my other foot kicked him square in his crotch.

      He screamed in pain. I screamed with embarrassment as he staggered back and landed hard on his bum, my leg still wrapped round his neck.

      Gloria was still singing loudly in the background as we stared at each other. Finally I managed to speak.

      ‘What are you doing here?’

      ‘Currently, wondering if I’ll ever be able to have sex again. Can you please get off my lap?’

      I quickly climbed off him, kneeing him in the face as I tried to stand up. He slowly staggered to his feet, doubled over in obvious pain.

      ‘I forgot my wallet,’ he said, by way of explanation.

      I swallowed. ‘You saw me dance?’

      He lifted his head and this time there was СКАЧАТЬ