The English Wife. Doreen Roberts

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СКАЧАТЬ firmly. “I just want to get rid of the damn thing.” I pushed the soup away from me, picked up the long dessert spoon and jammed it into my mushy frozen yogurt.

      Val was not about to give up that easily. Once she got excited about an idea she refused to let go. “Well, then, if you’re going to sell it, wouldn’t it make sense to go over there to protect your interests? How do you know if you’re getting a fair price and that everything is aboveboard if you’re not there to keep an eye on the proceedings?”

      I sent her a look that I hoped conveyed my loathing for that idea. It was all very well for her to give me advice. After all, she was used to living on the edge. She met guys through the Internet and dated them. That sounded a tad risky to me, but Val’s favorite saying was “If you’re not risking, you’re not living,” so I kept my thoughts to myself.

      “James gave me the name of a reliable agent.” I reached for my diet soda. “I’m sure the man knows what he’s doing.”

      “How can you be sure? You don’t even trust that creepy lawyer. How can you trust someone you’ve never met?” She leaned forward, her face glowing with excitement. “Just think. You could hook up with a good-looking, romantic young Englishman over there.”

      The idea was so ridiculous I’d have laughed if I hadn’t been simmering with all that resentment. “Val, I’m a forty-six year-old widow. Look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for a romance?”

      She studied me for a moment. Her thick blond hair was cut short, like a man’s. It looked great on her, but it wouldn’t have worked on me. My hair was too baby-fine. I let it hang around my face to hide my wrinkles.

      After a moment, Val nodded. “You look great for your age. Besides, someone told me the young Brits love older women. They call it granny grabbing, or something like that.”

      I choked, almost spitting a mouthful of soda across the table. “How terribly romantic,” I said, when I could stop coughing.

      “Well, I think it is.” She actually looked offended.

      I shook my head at her. “Brandon’s only been dead a month. I’m still trying to deal with that. The last thing I need is another man. Period.”

      She sat back, obviously disappointed. “Well, you can’t say you had a wildly passionate marriage. In all the times I saw you two together, I never once saw Brandon hold your hand or even touch you.”

      I pretended to be interested in the fizzy contents of my glass. True, Brandon hadn’t been into heavy petting. On the rare occasion he’d felt amorous he’d conducted the whole business with his usual precision, and finished up with his customary peck on the cheek.

      I’d reached the stage when it didn’t bother me that much anymore. It did bother me, I was surprised to discover, that other people had noticed his lack of affection.

      “He wasn’t the romantic type,” I murmured. “You know that. He had trouble expressing his feelings.”

      “He didn’t have any trouble expressing them in England, apparently.” She must have seen me flinch, because she hurried to add just the right tinge of sympathy. “Although I’m sure Brandon loved you. In his own way.”

      I almost laughed at that. “Who knows what Brandon felt, and who cares.”

      “You do,” Val said softly. “I’m sorry, Margie. I know how much this must hurt.”

      She was right. It did hurt. On the surface I’d had everything a woman needed to be content. I had a nice home, no worries to speak of, and I had companionship. I could wake up during the night, reassured by the sound of snoring next to me. Even when Brandon left on his business trips, I didn’t feel really alone. I knew he was coming back in a few days. I’d had security, the one thing I valued above all else.

      Security wasn’t something I took for granted. I was still a young child when my mother sank into her depression after my father died. She’d gone back to bartending, and buried herself in her job. I was left to fend for myself.

      I didn’t bother much with friends. I guess I was ashamed of the pigsty we lived in, and the empty bottles of booze in the sink.

      Brandon came into my life shortly after she died. And maybe he wasn’t the prince of my dreams, maybe we weren’t consumed with passion like the characters in my favorite books, but I believed we loved each other and he offered me the security I’d never had. Or so I’d thought. Considering what I’d just learned, my life hadn’t been all that secure after all.

      Determined not to let Val’s well-meant sympathy drag me down again, I chugged my soda. “I’m not going to waste my time obsessing over something that might never have happened. There has to be a completely valid reason for all this.”

      “A reason for another woman to be living rent-free in a cottage you knew nothing about?” Val shook her head. “Get real, Marjorie. Stop making excuses for that bastard.”

      Okay, so maybe I was making excuses for him. Maybe I wasn’t ready to accept the fact I’d been that dense that I couldn’t see what was going on under my nose. I’d thought we were reasonably content with each other.

      True, I’d always known something was missing. There were even times, when his arrogance and insensitivity got a little tough to put up with, that I wondered why I stayed with him.

      I guess it was that security thing again. I had too many vivid memories of revolting leftovers and freezing nights in our miserable apartment.

      How’d that saying go? Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t. Well, Brandon Maitland was my devil and until now I’d considered it a fair exchange.

      “He practically ran your life,” Val said, echoing my thoughts. “Look what good it did you. Here you’ve got a chance to see another part of the world and you’re afraid to take it.”

      That stung. “Hey, it wasn’t that bad. Brandon liked to be in charge, sure, and I was okay with that, as long as I had my job and my own interests. I’m not afraid to go to England. I’m just not that interested.”

      “That’s bullshit. Aren’t you just the tiniest bit curious? Don’t you even want to know what the bitch looks like?”

      “Not at all.” I was lying through my teeth, of course. I was eaten up with curiosity.

      Val leaned toward me again, her eyes willing me to agree. “Come on, Margie. It’s time to start taking risks. You don’t have Brandon breathing down your neck anymore. You’re free, girl! Go for it! Go to England, tell that tramp what you think of her and throw her out of your cottage. Then go have yourself one hell of a vacation.”

      The waiter arrived with the bill just then, saving me from answering right away. This was a mistake, I thought. I should have gone home instead of going back to work. I needed time to absorb all this.

      I wanted a hot bath, perfumed oil, candles, a bottle of wine and a good book. I wanted to throw my clothes all over the bedroom, leave dirty dishes in the sink, turn the CD player on full blast, now that Brandon wasn’t there to frown his disapproval.

      I didn’t want to think about the cottage, or what it might mean. Not now. Not yet. Right now I wanted to be alone, to pamper myself, and give myself time to recover.

      I’d СКАЧАТЬ