Lock Me In. Kate Simants

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СКАЧАТЬ last thing I heard was the front door opening, and then everything went black.

       11.

Charles Cox Psychotherapy Ltd.
Clinical audio recording transcript
Patient name:	Eleanor Power
Session date:	21 August 2006

       CC: So let’s start by checking in. How are you feeling today?

       EP: I’m OK.

      [pause: 32 sec]

       CC: I’m sensing some anxiety.

       EP: No. I’m fine.

      [pause: 22 sec]

       EP: Can you – why do you leave these huge long gaps all the time?

       CC: OK. I’m glad you asked. Sometimes we find that when we’re not rushed, when we’re given the time to go into greater depth, we discover things that really help our journeys.

      [pause: 23 sec]

       EP: I haven’t got anything to say.

       CC: Sure.

      [pause: 35 sec]

       EP: OK, look, fine. She came. Last night.

       CC: Siggy came?

       EP: Yeah.

      [pause: 19 sec]

       CC: Would you like to talk about the episode you had?

       EP: Well I don’t know, do I? That’s the whole fucking – sorry

       CC: That’s fine

       EP: That’s the whole problem. I don’t know anything about it. It’s like I go to bed every night and I’m me but then this other person I don’t know or like or want there, this other me climbs in. She moves me about, says things like she’s me, like I’m, I’m, I’m just this, this puppet. I don’t think you can possibly know what that’s like. It’s terrifying. I’m terrified, and I can’t even think about it without ending up – look, like this – ending up shaking. Do you see that, my hands?

       CC: I do.

       EP: It’s like, and I know that I shouldn’t say this and that it’s not the same thing but having someone else in your body, someone you, you hate, who is there without permission, it’s like waking up and finding you’ve been … I can’t say it.

       CC: You feel … let’s say, you feel violated?

      EP: Yes. Yes. Even if she’s just got me up and walked around the flat. I can’t remember any of it. [crying] Anything, at all. And just – my mum, the way she describes it – I just-I just [crying] I want to just

      [pause: 1 min 6 sec]

       EP: Sorry. I’m sorry.

       CC: OK. Ellie, can you look at me? I know it’s hard, but just look at me just a moment. Thank you. There is no judgement here. None at all. Anything you say will be heard and believed.

      [pause: 56 sec]

       CC: OK. Do you need some water before we go on?

       EP: I’m OK.

       CC: It’s extremely difficult for you to talk about; I can see that these episodes affect you very deeply.

       EP: Yeah. Yeah, they do. I’m scared. I never know when it’s going to happen. Like, I had this fight with my mum last night, because I wanted to try school. I mean, like sixth form. I haven’t had a fugue for, I don’t know, a couple of weeks? She just kept saying I wasn’t strong enough and about how last time we tried, my panic attacks got worse and everything, and we fell out big time because I just want to do normal stuff. Go out and live my actual life, you know?

       CC: I do.

       EP: And then I went to bed and I wake up and this has happened. She said – my mum said – Siggy was really angry last night. Like, she was scary, Mum couldn’t get near her to talk to her without her lashing out. Then she went out—

       CC: Siggy went outside?

       EP: Yeah went out and Mum had to follow me … follow her round the block until she’d agree to go back in again. Here, look this is where she fell over at one point when she was running. Look can you see on my elbow—

       CC: That’s quite a scrape—

       EP: Yeah. Yeah it-it really hurts.

      [pause: 20 sec]

       CC: What I’m hearing is a lot of conflict between you and Siggy. It’s a battle.

       EP: Yeah. That’s exactly what it is.

      [pause: 22 sec]

       EP: The days after the fugues, I can feel Siggy kind of … there, all of the time. Like she’s got to rub it in, make sure I know she’s won, you know? Like last night was her telling me …

      [pause: 27 sec]

       CC: You feel she’s telling you something. Can you say a bit—

       EP: It was like she was telling me to stay scared. Like it was a warning.

       12.

       Mae

      They said nothing until they were back at street level, outside the Powers’ flat. Fine rain sieved across the street, and Mae shrugged up the collar of his pea coat. Kit strode back to the car, heading for the driver’s seat.

      ‘Well that was weird,’ she said, when Mae was in beside her.

      ‘In what way?’

      Kit frowned into the middle distance. ‘I spoke to the guy at the hospital, Leon, right? The dude who called it in.’ She turned to him. ‘And he gave me Ellie’s name as someone who knows Matt and said how he’d said she volunteered there. So I called the HR office and got them СКАЧАТЬ