Help Your Baby to Sleep. Penney Hames

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      • You hadn’t planned this baby

      • You don’t love this baby

      • You feel as though you are abandoning your baby

      • You haven’t been able to grieve for a loss, maybe even a loss that is unconnected to the baby

      • Your baby seems to need you to be there

      • You have marital problems, or there is a lot of tension in your home

      • Something from your childhood still bothers you

      • You have been sexually abused

      • You work outside the house during the day and feel that your baby is missing some important closeness which makes night-time separations harder to bear

      • You feel that you ought to pick up your baby every time he cries, though sometimes you don’t feel like it

      • Every time you leave him he cries, and you can’t bear to hear him cry

      Most sleeping problems do not hide deeper problems, but where they do, a little bit of soul-searching and a lot of honest and open discussion may help. Talk to someone you trust. And be kind to yourself; ambiguity and confusion are often part of the journey to the most rewarding of relationships.

      Some parents find that talking with a child psychotherapist helps. Child psychotherapists understand that relationships can affect sleep and that sleep disturbances can sometimes arise from unreconciled losses in the parents’ lives. Sleep is a form of separation – a temporary loss – and can be a powerful reminder of other losses or separations which still affect us. Such reminders can hamper your ability to let your baby go. (If you would like to find out more about brief psychotherapeutic therapy for sleep problems see the resources section on page 149.) You neither need to hang on to your baby nor push him away. Sleep becomes an example of how you can love him and let him go.

      Loving and Letting Go

      If you would like your baby to go to sleep alone but find it hard to get out of his room, you may find that listening and talking to yourself and your baby in a certain way helps.

      Why Should I Talk Out Loud to my Baby?

      • Because sometimes you and your baby both need to hear how you’re both feeling

      • It helps you clarify what you want to say

      • Things said out loud seem more real

      • It can stop the same old thoughts going round and round in your head

      On putting him down to sleep, try tuning in to how you are feeling and acknowledge that out loud. It’ll sound funny the first time you do it but if you talk directly to your baby it may seem less crazy. If you want to laugh – go right ahead, it could be part of the medicine.

      Describe How it Feels

      To begin, think about how you feel as you are ready for him to sleep. You may feel confused, scared, angry, exhausted, or a hundred other emotions. Put a name to it. Tell your baby. Start your sentence with ‘I feel…’ rather than ‘I feel like…‘. So, ‘I feel … tired and scared’ rather than ‘I feel like … I could sleep standing up and I feel like … a failure.’ Some people find that when they finally say how they are feeling, they start to cry. It’s OK. Let it happen. Who’s to know? If you start to cry, your baby may join in too. Give him a hug.

      Once you’ve identified your own emotions it may become easier to listen to your baby’s protest. Is it sad, angry, tired? Whatever it is acknowledge that that is how he feels and that you understand that this is a big, important feeling for him. You could say something like: ‘You sound sad/cross/confused. It can be really hard to cope with big feelings like that.’ You may feel strong and capable when you can hear your baby’s sadness in this way. And he will be able to hear two important messages from the way that you say it: that it’s OK for him to feel like this and that you will support him while he copes.

      Explain the Deal

      Next, try saying that it’s time for sleep and that you have confidence in his ability to go it alone. True, you may not feel particularly confident that he can do it when you start, but just as you encourage him to feel he can do things during the day, so do the same here. In the day time you encourage him because you know he will do it in the end and you want him to feel good about himself. Going to sleep is also something he will do in the end and feel good about.

      Finally, tell him when you’re coming back. Be specific. He may not understand the difference between ‘I’ll be back in a bit’ and ‘I’ll be back in two minutes’ but you do and it will make you feel more in control when you say out loud exactly what you’re going to do. Your baby will pick up a lot of clues from the way that you talk. But if you don’t like the clock-watching approach, a good alternative is to say: ‘I’ll be here when you need me.’ This is specific, because his ‘needs’ define when you come and go, and you’ve already shown that you are tuned into his ‘needs’ by listening to his cry. You are making a commitment to go on listening to him. Now start the behavioural routine you’ve chosen (see Chapter 11 for a range of options), coming and going as appropriate.

      In this way you won’t be abandoning him, but loving and letting go: a subtle but powerful difference, which will allow you and your baby to move on in your relationship. You will have really listened to yourself and your baby, acknowledged what you are both feeling and been clear about what has to happen now. It won’t stop the crying immediately, but it may make you more able to deal with the tears. For more on listening to your baby cry, see Chapter 7.

      What can I say to my Baby when he goes to Sleep?

      • Tell him how you feel. For example: ‘I feel tired/sad/angry.’

      • Listen to his cry. Describe it to him. For example: ‘You sound tired/sad/angry.’

      • Let him know you care for him. For example: ‘That sounds like it’s a real problem for you.’

      • Let him know what you want him to do. For example: ‘I want you to sleep now.’

      • Let him feel your confidence in him. For example: ‘This is tough but I know you can do it.’

      • Tell him when you’re coming back. For example: ‘I’ll be back in one minute/in the morning/when you need me.’

      Choose your own words if these do not feel right to you. Of course, talking to a baby like this may feel ridiculous. This technique isn’t for everyone. You decide whether it’s for you.

       3 What does your Baby need for a Good Night’s Sleep?

      ‘Esme was born when our boy was five years old. Things had changed since he was born. We were much more relaxed as parents, and СКАЧАТЬ