Confessions. Sasha Campbell

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СКАЧАТЬ into Big Mama’s gentle brown eyes and fought back the tears. I didn’t want her to see me crying. “You know good and well nothing was stopping me from coming down here to see you. I even brought you a surprise.” I reached inside my purse and pulled out a Granny Smith apple.

      Her eyes sparkled. “I ever tell you that’s my favorite apple?”

      I nodded. “Yes, you’ve told me.” But I never grew tired of hearing the story.

      “I remember I used to clean this old white woman’s house. She had one of those big fancy houses on the north side with a pretty white picket fence. She loved having me work for her better than all her other maids. Ms. Ellie used to call me that pretty colored girl.” She paused for a moment, lost in her thoughts. “Anyway, I was getting ready to head home one evening and I was hungry. She had a beautiful fruit bowl of apples. I asked her if I could have one of her Granny Smith apples and I would bring one in the morning to replace it. Ms. Ellie told me no…I couldn’t have a Granny Smith…I could have a Jonathan apple. Humph! They all had bruises on them, and I don’t care for those apples…never have. I took one look at Ms. Ellie, then walked over to the bowl, took me a Granny Smith and bit into it.” Big Mama chuckled. “I said good night and left the house.” She paused again and frowned at the IV in her arm. I moved around to her right and adjusted the surgical tape as she continued. “The next morning I came back, and when she opened the door, I handed her the prettiest Granny Smith apple I could find, and said, ‘I told you I’d bring you another apple.’ Ms. Ellie started laughing and said, ‘Mildred, you so funny.’”

      I laughed and stared down at my grandmother’s smiling face. That’s just the way she’d always been—a woman with a mind of her own. She didn’t let anyone stand in her way. This was the woman who I could always turn to when I couldn’t talk to my mother. Big Mama never judged. She simply listened, then gave her opinion whether you liked it or not. She always believed in allowing her children to live their lives, because to her the biggest lesson was finding out for yourself.

      “You think when I get home I can get you to bake me one of those coconut cakes?” she asked. Big Mama was lying there, breathing heavily. I tried not to think about the fluid surrounding her heart. Talking was starting to be too much for her.

      I squeezed her hand. “Sure, Big Mama. Whatever you want.”

      She covered my hand with hers and closed her eyes. For the longest time, I sat there listening to her breath. Loving the way she felt. Enjoying the way she smelled.

      “You know I’m not going to be here forever,” she finally said, breaking into the silence.

      I had to swallow to remove the sob that had filled my throat. “I know, but I’m not ready for you to leave.”

      “Hmmm…that’s too bad ’cause I’m ready to go…and be with my Lord. You know I gave my life to Jesus Christ when I was a little girl? I’ve been preparing my whole life to meet him.”

      “I know, Big Mama, but I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.”

      She gave me a narrow look. “I don’t know why not. Everybody has their time. Don’t you know your mother is talking about me moving in with her? Uhhh-uhhh…you know I always said, I didn’t wanna be a burden on any of my children.”

      “You could never be a burden. I would love for you to come and live with me.” Even though I offered, I knew what she was talking about. It was nothing like having independence.

      “That’s worth considering. Only I don’t wanna put anyone out.” She laughed. “Could you see me living with your mother? She would drive me crazy with all that smoking! No…what I want…is to stay in my own house…cook my own meals…sleep in my own bed.”

      I nodded. “I understand. Just know I love you and the offer stands. All the years you took care of me, there ain’t nothing I won’t do for you.”

      “I know, chickadee…but baby…Big Mama is tired. Getting up in the morning is becoming hard work.”

      I knew she wasn’t getting any younger. I’d seen how slow she had become the last year, but I still didn’t want to hear my grandmother talking about dying. I wasn’t ready for her to go. And probably never would be. “I just wanna make your life as comfortable as possible regardless where you live.”

      “What would Donovan say about me…moving in wit y’all?”

      “Big Mama, you know Donovan loves you as much as I do.” I dropped my eyes, but I couldn’t lie to her. “I don’t know if you could tell, but he and I’ve been having some problems.”

      She took a deep breath. “I could tell something wasn’t right…. I figured you’d talk about it…when you were ready.”

      I moved closer. “I thought maybe when he got back we would work on our relationship, but I guess not.”

      She gave me a stern look. “That’s because you young folks don’t know how to talk to each other. Marriage isn’t sacred like it was while I was growing up. When I married your grandfather…I knew it would be forever. He was my first…my only. I didn’t wanna spend my life with anyone but him. When he died…I lost a piece of myself.” A single tear rolled from the corner of her eye onto the pillow. “Yes, Thaddeus was such a good man.”

      “I miss Grandpa.”

      She patted my hand. “And you were his favorite. All he wanted was for you to be happy…have a family of your own.” Her expression grew serious. “Have you been by to visit your daughter?”

      I quickly shook my head and rose. Standing in front of the window, I looked down into the crowded parking lot below. “No. Not since her birthday.”

      “Well…next time you see her…send her my love.”

      When I turned around, tears were running down my face. “I’ll do just that.”

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