Of Human Bondage. Уильям Сомерсет Моэм

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СКАЧАТЬ It was subtly flattering to know that with the whole school to think about Mr. Perkins should trouble with him, but at the same time something else in him, like another person standing at his elbow, clung desperately to two words.

      “I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.”

      He felt himself slipping. He was powerless against the weakness that seemed to well up in him; it was like the water that rises up in an empty bottle held over a full basin; and he set his teeth, saying the words over and over to himself.

      “I won’t. I won’t. I won’t.”

      At last Mr. Perkins put his hand on Philip’s shoulder.

      “I don’t want to influence you,” he said. “You must decide for yourself. Pray to Almighty God for help and guidance.”

      When Philip came out of the headmaster’s house there was a light rain falling. He went under the archway that led to the precincts, there was not a soul there, and the rooks were silent in the elms. He walked round slowly. He felt hot, and the rain did him good. He thought over all that Mr. Perkins had said, calmly now that he was withdrawn from the fervour of his personality, and he was thankful he had not given way.

      In the darkness he could but vaguely see the great mass of the Cathedral: he hated it now because of the irksomeness of the long services which he was forced to attend. The anthem was interminable, and you had to stand drearily while it was being sung; you could not hear the droning sermon, and your body twitched because you had to sit still when you wanted to move about. Then philip thought of the two services every Sunday at Blackstable. The church was bare and cold, and there was a smell all about one of pomade and starched clothes. The curate preached once and his uncle preached once. As he grew up he had learned to know his uncle; Philip was downright and intolerant, and he could not understand that a man might sincerely say things as a clergyman which he never acted up to as a man. The deception outraged him. His uncle was a weak and selfish man, whose chief desire it was to be saved trouble.

      Mr. Perkins had spoken to him of the beauty of a life dedicated to the service of God. Philip knew what sort of lives the clergy led in the corner of East Anglia which was his home. There was the Vicar of Whitestone, a parish a little way from Blackstable: he was a bachelor and to give himself something to do had lately taken up farming: the local paper constantly reported the cases he had in the county court against this one and that, labourers he would not pay their wages to or tradesmen whom he accused of cheating him; scandal said he starved his cows, and there was much talk about some general action which should be taken against him. Then there was the Vicar of Ferne, a bearded, fine figure of a man: his wife had been forced to leave him because of his cruelty, and she had filled the neighbourhood with stories of his immorality. The Vicar of Surle, a tiny hamlet by the sea, was to be seen every evening in the public house a stone’s throw from his vicarage; and the churchwardens had been to Mr. Carey to ask his advice. There was not a soul for any of them to talk to except small farmers or fishermen; there were long winter evenings when the wind blew, whistling drearily through the leafless trees, and all around they saw nothing but the bare monotony of ploughed fields; and there was poverty, and there was lack of any work that seemed to matter; every kink in their characters had free play; there was nothing to restrain them; they grew narrow and eccentric: Philip knew all this, but in his young intolerance he did not offer it as an excuse. He shivered at the thought of leading such a life; he wanted to get out into the world.

      XXI

      Mr. Perkins soon saw that his words had had no effect on Philip, and for the rest of the term ignored him. He wrote a report which was vitriolic. When it arrived and Aunt Louisa asked Philip what it was like, he answered cheerfully.

      “Rotten.”

      “Is it?” said the Vicar. “I must look at it again.”

      “Do you think there’s any use in my staying on at Tercanbury? I should have thought it would be better if I went to Germany for a bit.”

      “What has put that in your head?” said Aunt Louisa.

      “Don’t you think it’s rather a good idea?”

      Sharp had already left King’s School and had written to Philip from Hanover. He was really starting life, and it made Philip more restless to think of it. He felt he could not bear another year of restraint.

      “But then you wouldn’t get a scholarship.”

      “I haven’t a chance of getting one anyhow. And besides, I don’t know that I particularly want to go to Oxford.”

      “But if you’re going to be ordained, Philip?” Aunt Louisa exclaimed in dismay.

      “I’ve given up that idea long ago.”

      Mrs. Carey looked at him with startled eyes, and then, used to self-restraint, she poured out another cup of tea for his uncle. They did not speak. In a moment Philip saw tears slowly falling down her cheeks. His heart was suddenly wrung because he caused her pain. In her tight black dress, made by the dressmaker down the street, with her wrinkled face and pale tired eyes, her gray hair still done in the frivolous ringlets of her youth, she was a ridiculous but strangely pathetic figure. Philip saw it for the first time.

      Afterwards, when the Vicar was shut up in his study with the curate, he put his arms round her waist.

      “I say, I’m sorry you’re upset, Aunt Louisa,” he said. “But it’s no good my being ordained if I haven’t a real vocation, is it?”

      “I’m so disappointed, Philip,” she moaned. “I’d set my heart on it. I thought you could be your uncle’s curate, and then when our time came–after all, we can’t last for ever, can we?–you might have taken his place.”

      Philip shivered. He was seized with panic. His heart beat like a pigeon in a trap beating with its wings. His aunt wept softly, her head upon his shoulder.

      “I wish you’d persuade Uncle William to let me leave Tercanbury. I’m so sick of it.”

      But the Vicar of Blackstable did not easily alter any arrangements he had made, and it had always been intended that Philip should stay at King’s School till he was eighteen, and should then go to Oxford. At all events he would not hear of Philip leaving then, for no notice had been given and the term’s fee would have to be paid in any case.

      “Then will you give notice for me to leave at Christmas?” said Philip, at the end of a long and often bitter conversation.

      “I’ll write to Mr. Perkins about it and see what he says.”

      “Oh, I wish to goodness I were twenty-one. It is awful to be at somebody else’s beck and call.”

      “Philip, you shouldn’t speak to your uncle like that,” said Mrs. Carey gently.

      “But don’t you see that Perkins will want me to stay? He gets so much a head for every chap in the school.”

      “Why don’t you want to go to Oxford?”

      “What’s the good if I’m not going into the Church?”

      “You can’t go into the Church: you’re in the Church already,” said the Vicar.

      “Ordained then,” replied Philip impatiently.

      “What are you going to СКАЧАТЬ