Lost. Amber Plum

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СКАЧАТЬ hissed “Be Gone!” he flung his arms up in the air and flew up into the sky. Everything crumbled as he disappeared and all the rubble hit the ground. It was darkness once more but I could feel the debris at my feet. I picked a handful up and held it near the light in my chest. It disintegrated into ash and fell through my fingers. The smell reminded me of freshly laid tar. Slowly it all faded, the smell and the ash until it was no more. The abyss was as it began and I was alone in it as I had started.

      I was so tired I lay down on the dirt. I brought my knees into my chest and wrapped one arm around my legs while the other I used as a pillow. I wanted to sleep. I wanted my bed. I cannot believe he almost hit me. What made him stop? His frustration is making him angrier. This cannot be good for me. I am very afraid of what harm he can cause me in both my worlds. I felt the tears roll out of my eyes. “Lord how am I ever going to survive him?”

      I wept for a long time, my face in the mud. I don’t deserve to succeed. I was stopped by the confident words of my almighty father “lift up your head child. I am not ashamed of you.” I looked up to find Him but He was nowhere in sight. I wiped the mud off my face and sat up. I was feeling anxious and wanted to be in His comfort, but it was only His voice that I heard. It was enough. “Remember my grace Selene. It is not about what you deserve. Have faith.”

      I spent time in silence, no longer weeping. I was neither sad nor happy. I cleared my own thoughts and gave my mind a break. It was soothing and peaceful. I knew my peace was borrowed from the Lord. I have not known peace for some time now. It washed through me and filled me with a sense of ease. My anxiety decreased and I felt like I could breathe better than I had in a long time. With my panic attacks increasing lately, I really needed this peace.

      I was interrupted from his peace by my alarm clock. I was pulled from the dark world to the world that was living. To a world where so many were ignorant to the evil whispering they hear. I was all too aware of it now, I recognized his voice. I knew this was a blessing even though I grew jealous of others. I wanted to be ignorant and irresponsible. I wanted to just talk about and think about normal teenage stuff.

      To make matters worse, I am starting high school. Every part of me dreaded walking into my new school. It had nothing to do with all the new kids or the older kids. I didn’t even fear the larger setting and new locker combination. I should have been intimidated by the work load and higher expectations of educational standards, but I wasn’t. I feared the stares, the label.

      There she is they will say. The girl who’s brother died. I will get the sad looks from those who loved Levi. I will get the “poor girl” looks from those who didn’t. The worst will be the sympathy friends. Girls like Bailey who wanted to be friends with the dead girl. It is all so meaningless. Who can I even trust as a true friend anymore? I don’t really know what all to expect, but I know I don’t want to face it. I want to hide in that little glass room where my soul has been weeping for so long.

      I thought after the battle with Abaddon I would know how to release my soul. I wanted more than anything for her to break free, to be united with her once more. I wanted to be whole, I really did. She still weeps at times, but not as often. She mostly lies in convulsions, silent, numb, and cold. Some days she sits in the corner, almost lifeless. She will hum a tune filled with misery and hope. I don’t recognize it but I hear it in my head frequently. I have not decided if this is progress or the infinite abyss that chains my soul to its darkness.

      Drei

      After my shower I got dressed in my classic tight fit flare jeans and tennis shoes. I threw on a simple thin grey tee and my short sleeve hibiscus flower hoodie. I wanted to go all out so I could feel as confident as possible on that much dreaded day. I did the makeup thing and prettied up my hair. I checked myself over for a long time before I mustered up the confidence to face the day.

      I walked a different way to catch a different bus. I felt like the six month waiting period would drag on forever before I was able get my driver’s license. I was the only one at my bus stop. It was nice to be alone. I listened to the birds chirping and gazed at the trees as the light breeze in the air helped the leaves dance so perfectly on their boughs. For such a beautiful morning, it was still hard to appreciate it in full. My anxiety grew stronger and I felt the tightness in my chest as I saw the bus approaching.

      I needed to calm down. I heard the breaks squeal to a stop and the air from the hydraulics hiss. The door swung open and the loud chatter of teens burst out. I wanted to run back home and never return. My chest grew tighter and tighter. I took a deep breath as I looked up to my bus driver.

      “Well, you coming, I haven’t got all day!” I nodded hesitantly.

      I took a deep breath and walked up the steps and climbed aboard. I went straight to the back to the second to last seat and sat down. I ignored the stares and wished more than anything I could be invisible. The boys in the back seats were laughing and I was not sure if it was at me or not. I practiced deep breathing to try and calm myself down. The bus rolled to motion and I closed my eyes and felt my panic attack slowly decreasing. Alright, bus, check.

      I was staring out of the window. The bus stopped and picked more kids up along the way and I was pleased that no one even bothered to sit with me. That was until we stopped at the outside of a no named addition. It was filled with humble homes and half a bus load. More noise came in with them and everyone filled into the remaining empty seats, including mine.

      I was still facing the window, ignoring my seat mate. I had no desire to talk to anyone today. The boy made a noise like clearing his throat and I knew he was trying to get my attention. I could smell the heavy smell of his spicy cologne; I was a sucker for a good smelling boy. I kept staring out the window.

      “Hey I am Ross.”

      I really didn’t want to respond, or if anything just tell him to leave me alone, but I was raised with manners.

      “Hi.” I said reluctantly.

      I looked at him finally, he was very mature looking. He had a goatee; no kid my age had facial hair like that. He was pale with light brown hair and light carmel brown eyes. He blinked his heavy lashes at me and flashed a bright and wide smile.

      “Uh, my name is Selene.”

      He nodded and it made me wonder if he knew who I was.

      “I like that name, it’s very fitting. Are you Hispanic?”

      Why do people always think I am Hispanic, I just don’t see it.

      “No, German and Italian, How about you, are you Cuban?”

      He was far from Cuban most likely something corn-fed but it gets really annoying that no one gets my ethnicity right. He laughed a little at me and smiled.

      “Got ya, sorry. I am well known as the Crazy Caucasian.” He said it with much pride, like he was a celebrity.

      It was my turn to laugh.

      His face went straight and the corners of his lips dropped ever so slightly.

      “Oh sorry, you were serious huh?” I smiled through pursed lips.

      “Very serious, honestly you should not even talk to me.” He grinned with confidence, nodded his head and lifted his brows.

      I felt my heart rate pick up. He smiled so softly at me and started to chuckle at himself. I could tell he was bad, and he was right I shouldn’t talk to him. I should have ended our conversation, but it was nice to talk to someone, anyone.

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