Straight Jacket. Adrian Deans

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СКАЧАТЬ relationships as a continuing metamorphosis,’ said Sonia. ‘Derek and I are at Stage 3 … which is married without children. But we’re about to move on to Stage 4: trying for children.’

      She and Derek shared a nice little moment of bourgeois dinner table intimacy. Then Sonia said, ‘Mind you, there’s nothing more exciting than Stage 1: discovering your soul mate.’

      And she gave first Jill, then me, this ridiculous look, which was designed, presumably, to elicit some sort of confession. Jill had the grace to look embarrassed, but shot a glance at me to see how I was taking it all.

      ‘Certainly Stage 1 is exciting,’ I agreed. ‘But sometimes I think it would be more romantic to morph directly from Stage 1 to Stage 9.’

      Sonia looked puzzled.

      ‘Stage 9 … what’s that?’

      ‘That’s when you’re both cremated and your remains are scattered together.’

      •

      Eventually, I stopped laughing.

      I would’ve stopped sooner if it weren’t for the ashen expressions around the table. And from the tingling under my skin and the sudden sense of impossible well-being, I could tell that the acid was at last making an impact.

      The three of them had started eating their antipasto in silence while my snorting and sniggering ran its course. Several times I tried to speak, but as soon as I opened my mouth a great belch of laughter set me off again, until I slumped limp in my chair — my face wet with tears of evil joy, just trying to breathe without giggling.

      At last, I managed some coherent speech. ‘Look … sorry about that. I … I guess it’s been a tough week. I had two lots of bad news today and it’s obviously affected me inappropriately. I know I must seem a bit of a dickhead but it’s nothing to do with you, Jill … it’s just my nervous response to bad news.’

      There were pursed lips and steely eyes about the table, but Jill softened and attempted to explain on my behalf.

      ‘Morgen found out today that his boss has cancer.’

      There was a further silence, broken only by another burst of giggles, which I managed to turn into a sneeze, and then a hacking cough.

      Eventually, Sonia decided to accept my explanation, and, for the sake of Jill at least, allow me back within the fold.

      ‘Cancer is horrible,’ she said, with a tiny shudder. ‘It’s bad enough that a person’s life should be cut short like that … but cancer is slow and forces them to contemplate their mortality. I can’t think of anything worse.’

      ‘I can,’ said Jill. ‘They found another body in Galston Gorge today. That makes three.’

      ‘I heard about that,’ said Derek. ‘Wasn’t there some sort of … mutilation involved?’

      ‘Oh stop it, Derek!’ snapped Sonia. ‘It’s too horrible to even think about.’

      There was a brief pause, but the new topic of conversation had yet to exhaust itself.

      ‘What I’d like to know,’ said Jill, ‘is how does the killer get so many victims without causing a scene. Someone must have noticed something. No one even knew any of these women were missing!’

      ‘It just shows that the killer must have been known to the victims,’ said Derek. ‘Maybe only briefly known to them, but enough to allow him … presuming he’s a man … to get close enough to … to do whatever he does.’

      ‘It’s too horrible,’ moaned Sonia. ‘The poor women were probably just trying to meet someone … and he turns out to be a monster! How’s any woman supposed to meet a man these days? It’s no wonder we’re all so lonely.’

      ‘The only solution is to sleep with friends,’ laughed Derek, glancing at me, and I rewarded his jest with a Mona Lisa smile. I never laugh at other people’s jokes.

      ‘Friends?’ exclaimed Sonia. ‘I’d rather take my chances with the murderer!’

      They all laughed, and I said, ‘What’s wrong with sleeping with a friend?’

      And Sonia was back in her dominatrix mien.

      ‘You must be joking, Morgen! You can’t make love with a friend … it ruins the relationship!’

      I took another huge slug of my sauvignon blanc and emptied the bottle into my tumbler.

      ‘That’s bullshit,’ I said. ‘The transition from friend to lover is immeasurably more fulfilling than the transition from stranger to lover.’

      There was a small silence as they tried to gauge whether or not I was serious.

      ‘I think you’re arguing in defiance of the accepted cant,’ said Derek, raising an elegant eyebrow.

      ‘That’s right.’

      ‘I could never make love with a friend,’ said Sonia. ‘It’d be too embarrassing … like doing it with your brother.’

      ‘That’s the whole point!’ I exclaimed, probably getting a little drug-animated. ‘Sex is pure intimacy … the baring of the soul! What’s the point of baring your soul to a stranger? You may as well do it with a whore! Baring your soul to a friend … to someone with whom you’ve already developed some kind of deep relationship … is to take the path to ultimate intimacy. Getting over that embarrassment … crossing that gulf … is the most fulfilling … life-affirming … vital thing you’ll ever do!’

      This time the silence was profound. We all knew that Jill and I had only recently met and had ‘done it’ on the first night.

      And before I knew it, the drug laughter vortex opened wide and sucked me screaming into its dark, hysterical depths.

      Derek and Sonia finished their antipasto.

      And Jill ran sobbing from the room.

       Psychometric Review, Tape 2

      Bryan positioned the microphone between us and tapped it to make sure it was live. Then he said, for the benefit of posterity: ‘Morgen Tanjenz … psychometric review … Tape Two.’

      He consulted his notes, then considered me a while in chthonic silence.

      This wasn’t going well.

      ‘Tell me, Morgen … how would you define the law?’

      ‘Eh? What is this … a first year tutorial?’

      ‘You were provisionally appointed to a very senior legal position. I thought you might help me to understand exactly what it is that lawyers do. In return, I’m more than happy to explain any of the concepts of my profession.’

      ‘Bryan …’

      I sighed heavily and dropped my head into my hands.

      ‘Don’t СКАЧАТЬ