Chomp'd. Susan Berran
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Название: Chomp'd
Автор: Susan Berran
Издательство: Ingram
Жанр: Учебная литература
Серия: The Freaky Series
isbn: 9780987607676
isbn:
Dad was just about to order some fish and chips for lunch … until he saw the dead rat frozen in the brick of yellowy fat in the deep fry basket . . . and I could swear I saw it blink. Freaky!
That’s when Mum suddenly piped up and told the shop guy that “We’re just looking” and “a pub meal with meat and veggies was what we really needed.”
Yeah … that was until she saw the pub!
Man, I thought our place was a crap shack, but this place made our place look like the Queen’s palace. WOW! It was like someone had actually taken the world’s largest port-a-loo, shook it like a milkshake and dropped it into the middle of a dry, dead paddock and then shoved a sign on it saying … ‘PUB’.
The owners were even admitting how crappy it was! They’d whacked this great big sign right in the front window that said: ‘TOILET INSIDE - CLEAN’ and they were absolutely right. It did look like the inside of a toilet that needed cleaning. Yep, the pub was definitely the worlds largest port-a-loo.
It didn’t matter how many times or how hard I pinched myself, I wasn’t dreaming. We’d definitely moved from the city to Agnath; from the gazillions of bright city lights, to the blue bug-ZAPPER lights.
ZZAPP . . . ZZAPP! We’ve got them hanging all over the place, like GIANT, blue Christmas lights, because the mozzies around here are the size of chooks … and that’s inside the house! Yep, from awesome skateboard parks to dirt piles, from wicked water slides to cow pat slides, from concerts in the park to karaoke in the paddock. Agnath SUCKED!
Of course Mum reckoned I just needed to settle in, get to know some kids and explore the countryside. FINE MUM! Hmmmmm, should I explore the dirt paddock covered in cow poop, or the dirt paddock covered in sheep poop? Orrr, maybe I should check out the dead grass hill with just one live tree, or the live grass hill with one dead tree. No. No, I think I’ll explore the rock-covered hill, because it has THREE trees on it and that would be waayyy more exciting.
And get to know some of the local kids …
let’s see. There’s RATTY HARRY, his hair is this yucky grey colour and sticks up like bits of tangled barbed wire. It looks like someone has taken a few dead rats and beat the living snot out of them and then glued them all over his head. Then there’s TOFFEE THOMAS, the sookiest and most spoilt kid around. He bullies the smaller kids and then sooks when they tell on him. Mum reckons bullies and sooks have been running in his family for generations anyway.
The other couple of kids that actually live around here don’t talk much, they just GRUNT. Unless you want to talk about cows or sheep, then they won’t shut up. All they ever seem to do is go cow racing, or horse shearing, or sheep tackling. They’re totally WEIRD.
And just as my brain was beginning to go mouldy with boredom and turn into a sludge pit of useless information - like the correct shade of yellowy-green for healthy cow pee and the correct shape and amount of moisture in sheep poop for really shiny wool - Jared and his family moved in up the road.
Jared was forced to move all the way out to Agnath, because his mum was all gooey and crazy about the countryside as well!
What is it with parents … are they all NUTS? YES! Or, are they just secretly trying to totally bore us to death? YES!
At least Agnath was almost bearable after Jared arrived.
Jared and me did just about everything together. His family didn’t go to too many places, or on any sort of good holidays, so when Mum said we were heading to the coast, up near the top of Australia for a holiday, I decided to ask her if maybe Jared could come with us. It took a fair bit of sucking up and I had to promise that we’d help out with Little Miss ‘dung-daks’ Melly, but I finally got Mum to say it was ok. Wicked! At least I wouldn’t have to put up with Miss Pussy-poopy-Pants, Smelly-Melly all on my own.
WE COULDN’T WAIT! City, sand, surfing and swimming. Cairns was definitely going to be the most AWESOME wicked holiday EVER! We knew it’d be pretty hot up there, because it’s really close to the equator, but me and Jared just kinda figured that meant we’d get in heaps more surfing and swimming and stuff.
Soon as we knew we were going, from then on, the days seemed to drag by PAINFULLY. Every minute seemed like an hour, every day seemed like a week. Time was going slower than a DEAD SLOTH on a backwards treadmill. It was taking forever as we counted down the days until it was finally time to rinse the red dust out of our lungs and get out of this flea-infested, butt-scratching, dung-smelling town.
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