Shadows Of Acceptance. Nancy Inc. Rockey

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СКАЧАТЬ and Anger

      One of the most common and explosive anger-producing experiences is the feeling of being rejected. If you experienced rejection early in childhood, especially from an intimate relationship such as parent-child, it becomes a filter through which every other relationship is seen, and it lurks in the shadow of your history. Rejected people look for rejection under every rock and usually find it. If they do not find it, they tend to manufacture it – conjure it up in their minds. Much anger stems from the feeling of being unjustly treated. Rejection is unjust, so when it is experienced it produces anger. The anger can be displayed outwardly or buried deep within the mind. What happens, however, is that the anger usually seeps out in nasty digs or comments directed toward the one who did the rejecting, even if it is buried deeply. One way or another, anger gets expressed, even if it’s expressed in the development of illnesses and in the attitude of an individual.

      Anger can be a beneficial emotion as long as it is expressed in an appropriate manner. It can create healing, harmony, and/or reconciliation if it is not expressed with the intent to cause injury or harm.

      Sadness or Depression:

      If you were the victim of childhood abuse, if you were ignored or unwanted, put down, beaten or sexually violated, it would be normal if you would consider yourself to be the cause of all that happened to you. According to you, you are the problem or you could have/should have prevented the problem.

      Children, being at the center of their universe, either take the blame or the credit for all that comes to them. If you blamed yourself for the abuse you received, this would easily create sadness or depression within you. Depression is basically anger turned inward toward oneself. “If I weren’t so bad, these terrible things would not befall me.” A sense of hopelessness ensues. A black cloud hovers or a shadow follows wherever you are.

      A mother who cannot recognize the needs of her child or fulfill them, is no doubt in need herself. She, therefore, endeavors to fill her own needs through the child. What the child needs to receive, the mother cannot give, and so he doesn’t develop the framework in which he can develop, identify and feel his own feelings and emotions. This can easily be the cause of a child not “being himself” for the rest of his life. It becomes easy for this person to live in the past and to respond to today’s experiences as if they were in the past. Decisions are made based on what his mother would want him to choose. This person can easily lose his sense of self.

      A “poor me” attitude -- feeling despair because the world will not devote itself to making you happy -- keeps the individual-you- the victim. The one who has in the past or currently is causing wounds is in control of the individual and his/her emotions. Living “under the circumstances” or in the shadows, rather than being in control of one’s life and decisions, assigns the power to the perpetrator.

      Granted, a victim of abuse has a right to be sad regarding the treatment received, however each person also has the responsibility to rise above the circumstances, to take control of his life and his future, and to insure that those close to them live in peace. No one else can do it. This is where a decision and a determination to escape from the haunting shadow is necessary, and one has to know what is in the shadow and how it controls the present. Then, and often with help from a professional, a decision to escape can be made.

      Depression is a state like being on a merry-go-round that revolves faster and faster, making one dizzy and totally out of control. The more pondering of the past and the abuses experienced, the deeper the depression and the sense of hopelessness gets. This is why so many people need recovery from the past hurts they’ve endured as well as a determination to move ahead. It is an intervention designed to turn off the tape recording in the brain and to slow or stop the merry-go-round so that your sense of stability and equilibrium can be found. Recovery is the light directed toward the shadow illuminating the darkness.

      Depression hijacks the ability to think in a logical or positive manner, and, sometimes, chemical intervention is necessary to redeem chemical balance in the brain and body in order to return the ability to think logically and positively. Often, a well qualified and experienced therapist can assist by helping someone with clinical depression to regain the ability to think in a realistic and positive manner. In such cases, chemical intervention may be needed for a time until old issues can be safely resolved. In a recovery process, identifying the real causative element of depression and removing the negative emotional charge lurking in the shadow from old memories of pain, brings relief.

      Attachment Influenced by Abuses Received:

      All of the wounds received in childhood, especially in the first two years, carry with them the after-effects of worthlessness, fears, anger and sadness and form the shadow that follows you. The shadow exaggerates your reactions to other abuses received. If you have been abused early on in life, you may avoid close interactions with others or will cling desperately to one who feels safe to you. You may also be disorganized in your attachment, avoiding at times and clinging at other times.

      In the first two years of life, we unknowingly choose our style of attachment, and that choice is powerfully influenced by what we have experienced during the early months of life. The steady or frequent absence of a parent, compounded by abuse, leads a child far away from being able to securely attach and toward one of the three dysfunctional styles of attachment. This choice is a survival technique as well.

      Why do Parents reject their children?

      Mothers:

      1.Maladjusted marriages–the poorer the marriage, the less acceptance of the child

      2.Arrival of another (perhaps more attractive or preferred-gender) sibling

      3.Infant closely resembled a self-loathing parent

      4.Children resembled “the other side of the family” whom the parent resents.

      5.Untimely pregnancies -- infant considered an unwanted or unjust imposition

      6.Child became a “stand-in for the other parent, rather than receiving affection in his own right

      7.Latent hostility was unconsciously displaced from parent’s own rejecting parents to the child

      8.Parents employed a hands-off policy with their children – to the point of neglect - due to being over-dominated by their own parents

      9.Immediate identification of the child with the child’s father – especially true for unwed mothers

      10.Mother couldn’t afford the emotional risk involved in loving a child, especially in cases where another child had been lost in death

      11. Child was viewed as anchoring a couple to a difficult marriage

      12. Viewed the child as an intruder with whom she was forced to share her husband. This is especially true if the mother had experienced rejection

      13. Felt that the child had deprived her of a job or career that she enjoyed – having a child felt like a loss of freedom

      14. Mother had major emotional or mental issues, that have been inadequately addressed.

      Fathers:

      1.Maladjusted marriage

      2.Child was physically or psychologically unattractive

      3.An untimely pregnancy

      4.Close resemblance to their loathed СКАЧАТЬ