Raising a Smile for Northern Ireland Children's Hospice. Brian Boone's Bailie

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СКАЧАТЬ man cleared his throat and began to explain himself, “One sap own a thyme, bee frothy Baby Sea tortoise twos peak prop or lea, pea pill head tear able act scents. Act chew lea, sump able where come pleat alley on a bill two commune a Kate whiff pea pill fro mother plaices. Sew ewe canny ma gin thick on fusion.”

      Claire looked at the man like he had just grown another head.

      He continued, “An dive bean scent hear bathe pry mini stair toad alive are a massage.”

      “You must be from the big island, are you?” Bowen inquired politely.

      “Done chew speck angle lush inn air lend?” the man replied.

      “Yes, but we speak it right, and you speak it like you come from the poshest posh department of the BBC.” Bowen reasoned.

      “Way, ewe ray cleaver light ill buoy. Aye you stew bee abbey bee sea a noun sir, butt know eye min this evils harvest.”

      “He’s from the big island okay, and says he’s in the civil service.” Bowen explained to Claire who was still scratching her head in puzzlement.

      Claire suggested, “You better ask marble-mouth what he wants to be coming here for.” So Bowen kindly interpreted.

      The man answered, “Weave know moon knee leaf tin are ban kiss, soap rime in a stairs end meat two air lend toot hake loud save moon knee fro mew.”

      Bowen told Claire what the little man from the big island had said, and she wasn’t very happy.

      “Tell him he can’t have our money because his prime minister will just waste it on Olympic things, and fighting wars against men who herd goats in the desert, and buying banks that have no money, and super-fast railways that no one can to afford to use,…” ranted Claire.

      “That could take all day to translate into the language of the big island,” complained Bowen. He turned to the man who had come to take money from Northern Ireland, and slowly explained, “Go back to your big island, and tell the prime minister that he can’t have any more of our money. You already took money from my school, and my nice teacher lost her job. So go away, please.”

      “Ode ear,” said the man, “Water my twos hay tomb ape rhyme in a stair?”

      Bowen thought a little, “Tell him to spend more money on teaching children, and less money on silly things. Tell the prime minister that if children do not learn, then they cannot get good jobs; and if they cannot get good jobs then we will all end up working for the Chinese people who spend lots and lots of money on teaching their children.”

      “Eye sea,” replied the man as he stroked one of his chins in thought, “Sew eve wisp end moor moon hay owner chill drain, wheel gated ale bark ark gain beak cores are chill drain while bees martyr. Sow wee dews knead tubby pay shunt?”

      “Yes, exactly,” exclaimed Bowen, “I think he understands now.”

      But the man from the big island still seemed worried. “Eye dent knife pry miner stair well hike meat hoot helm why chews head,” he pondered.

      “Mmmmmmm,” Bowen thought, “Well, maybe you should speak like what we do. Then he might get the point.”

      “Watch humane?” the man inquired with greater interest.

      “When we say something here, we finish every sentence with so it is, so we do.” Bowen explained patiently, “And if you say, so it is, the prime minister will think you’re very clever, so he will.”

      “Sew eye tease,” attempted the man, “Sorry teas,” almost there, “So it is!” he finally exclaimed with joy and delight.

      “That’s it, now go back to the big island and tell the prime minister to stop wasting our money, and to start investing in the future of the children, please.” Bowen asked politely.

      “Grate,” smiled the man, “Aisle leaf toe knight.”

      “....so you will.” interrupted Bowen.

      “So I will,” the man beamed in reply.

      And so he did. And so it was, because of the wisdom and elementary speech therapy of a young Ulster boy, the depressing economy of the big island was reinvigorated, so it was. (And Bowen got his nice teacher back.) (So he did.)

      The end, so it is.

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