Vesper Flights. Helen MacDonald

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СКАЧАТЬ sun, a pigeon taking off from a hawthorn branch into the wind. For much of that week the voice of my interior critic is as seductive and honeyed as warm baklava. It tells me I am a terrible person and the worst writer in the world, and I believe it. But after decades of bafflement, these states are now something like old friends, and I greet them with a deal of archness.

      The premonitory symptoms of my migraines are exceedingly specific. Two or three days before my head begins to hurt, my fridge fills with bottles of banana milk. I yawn a lot, become unaccountably thirsty. My joints ache. I shop for dark chocolate and sweet pickled beetroot. There’s dust-and-ashes tiredness, and a bad mood so remorseless that even the sweetest birdsong irritates. I can enumerate them now, yet when the headache arrives, it is always a surprise. I never see it coming. These symptoms are aspects of the migraine’s earliest stages, occurring in its prodrome, that part of it which precedes the pain. It turns out that some of the most infamous migraine triggers are not triggers at all – a desire to eat chocolate is just as much part of a migraine as the full-blown headache that follows.

      After the pain subsides, the migraine’s postdrome begins, and it is a peculiar muse of mine. Though it makes me feel weak, muffled, slow and stupid, it’s inside it that writing comes easiest. Whatever is going on inside my brain makes the words flow, the world sharper; it tips me into days that seem newly forged and prone to surprising beauties. I’m writing at my kitchen table right now in the midst of a postdrome, a heat pack draped across my neck and shoulders to unknot muscles locked after two days of hurt. Just after sunrise this morning, I looked out over the back fence of my garden across a field of oats into the valleys and hills around my house, the sky nacreous and the lower-lying ground obscured by luminous mist. For a migraineur in fear of bright sunlight, the slow slide into autumn’s softer days and earlier nights is an enormous relief.

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