The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde: 150+ Titles in One Edition. Oscar Wilde

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      LORD CAVERSHAM. Humph! Never know when you are serious or not.

      LORD GORING. Neither do I, father.

      [A pause.]

      LORD CAVERSHAM. I suppose you have read The Times this morning?

      LORD GORING. [Airily.] The Times? Certainly not. I only read The Morning Post. All that one should know about modern life is where the Duchesses are; anything else is quite demoralising.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. Do you mean to say you have not read The Times leading article on Robert Chiltern’s career?

      LORD GORING. Good heavens! No. What does it say?

      LORD CAVERSHAM. What should it say, sir? Everything complimentary, of course. Chiltern’s speech last night on this Argentine Canal scheme was one of the finest pieces of oratory ever delivered in the House since Canning.

      LORD GORING. Ah! Never heard of Canning. Never wanted to. And did … did Chiltern uphold the scheme?

      LORD CAVERSHAM. Uphold it, sir? How little you know him! Why, he denounced it roundly, and the whole system of modern political finance. This speech is the turning-point in his career, as The Times points out. You should read this article, sir. [Opens The Times.] ‘Sir Robert Chiltern … most rising of our young statesmen … Brilliant Orator … Unblemished career … Well-known integrity of character … Represents what is best in English public life … Noble contrast to the lax morality so common among foreign politicians.’ They will never say that of you, sir.

      LORD GORING. I sincerely hope not, father. However, I am delighted at what you tell me about Robert, thoroughly delighted. It shows he has got pluck.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. He has got more than pluck, sir, he has got genius.

      LORD GORING. Ah! I prefer pluck. It is not so common, nowadays, as genius is.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. I wish you would go into Parliament.

      LORD GORING. My dear father, only people who look dull ever get into the House of Commons, and only people who are dull ever succeed there.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you try to do something useful in life?

      LORD GORING. I am far too young.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. [Testily.] I hate this affectation of youth, sir. It is a great deal too prevalent nowadays.

      LORD GORING. Youth isn’t an affectation. Youth is an art.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. Why don’t you propose to that pretty Miss Chiltern?

      LORD GORING. I am of a very nervous disposition, especially in the morning.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. I don’t suppose there is the smallest chance of her accepting you.

      LORD GORING. I don’t know how the betting stands to-day.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. If she did accept you she would be the prettiest fool in England.

      LORD GORING. That is just what I should like to marry. A thoroughly sensible wife would reduce me to a condition of absolute idiocy in less than six months.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. You don’t deserve her, sir.

      LORD GORING. My dear father, if we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.

      [Enter MABEL CHILTERN.]

      MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! … How do you do, Lord Caversham? I hope Lady Caversham is quite well?

      LORD CAVERSHAM. Lady Caversham is as usual, as usual.

      LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

      MABEL CHILTERN. [Taking no notice at all of LORD GORING, and addressing herself exclusively to LORD CAVERSHAM.] And Lady Caversham’s bonnets … are they at all better?

      LORD CAVERSHAM. They have had a serious relapse, I am sorry to say.

      LORD GORING. Good morning, Miss Mabel!

      MABEL CHILTERN. [To LORD CAVERSHAM.] I hope an operation will not be necessary.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. [Smiling at her pertness.] If it is, we shall have to give Lady Caversham a narcotic. Otherwise she would never consent to have a feather touched.

      LORD GORING. [With increased emphasis.] Good morning, Miss Mabel!

      MABEL CHILTERN. [Turning round with feigned surprise.] Oh, are you here? Of course you understand that after your breaking your appointment I am never going to speak to you again.

      LORD GORING. Oh, please don’t say such a thing. You are the one person in London I really like to have to listen to me.

      MABEL CHILTERN. Lord Goring, I never believe a single word that either you or I say to each other.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. You are quite right, my dear, quite right … as far as he is concerned, I mean.

      MABEL CHILTERN. Do you think you could possibly make your son behave a little better occasionally? Just as a change.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. I regret to say, Miss Chiltern, that I have no influence at all over my son. I wish I had. If I had, I know what I would make him do.

      MABEL CHILTERN. I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. He is very heartless, very heartless.

      LORD GORING. It seems to me that I am a little in the way here.

      MABEL CHILTERN. It is very good for you to be in the way, and to know what people say of you behind your back.

      LORD GORING. I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. After that, my dear, I really must bid you good morning.

      MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! I hope you are not going to leave me all alone with Lord Goring? Especially at such an early hour in the day.

      LORD CAVERSHAM. I am afraid I can’t take him with me to Downing Street. It is not the Prime Minster’s day for seeing the unemployed.

      [Shakes hands with MABEL CHILTERN, takes up his hat and stick, and goes out, with a parting glare of indignation at LORD GORING.]

      MABEL CHILTERN. [Takes up roses and begins to arrange them in a bowl on the table.] People who don’t keep their appointments in the Park are horrid.

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